Very impressive & effective tips for caregiver people.

Tips are very useful for them & can help to increase their best caregiver services.

I believe that this is where we all may need to write up some kind of petition to our Congress or someone in higher power to help those people who are in the middle income bracket. To NOT have to wait until we have to lose all our assets and the family member's assets for the person we are taking care of due to an illness. That way we don;t have to soley rely on the govenment and state funds. If we could get cheaper help but not cheaper quality of services for the person we are taking care and that way we could get a breather break. Tons of benefits that the state and govt would achieve by helping mid class for ex: Lower burn-outs, healthier caregivers, lower homicidies incedence,and better quality of care for the person with Alzheimer's illness.

Lildeb, you are absolutely correct. I've said it before on this forum that the system is stacked against the middle class. If you're uber rich, no problems. If you're poor, you got Medicaid but middle class people are forced to become destitute in order to get care they may need. That's just wrong.

Not sure how to find your posts. Feeling a bit brain dead . . . . .

Just a quick update - my MIL just came in to thank me for the groceries and I told her your welcome and hugged her. She starting crying. It didn't change my mind. I know this MUST happen. I can't do it anymore. I told her 'it will be all right - you will see.' What else can I say? I know I can't continue. It will just me more of the same. I can only pray that she adjusts and will allow us to visit her and will try to be happy in her new home. She isn't going to prison. She is just changing addresses and care givers. We are still her family. That won't change. Am I being hard hearted?

I thank God every day since Senior Life came into my life.


They are always there when I need them. They pick my husband 3 days a week and take him to adult daycare. If I have an appointment they will send someone to stay with him.

They are truely a Blessing.

What is Senior Life? They actually come to your house to pick your husband up n to your house too for that is amazing.

Is it free or is it self pay? I have never hear of it either - is it local to your area?

senior life is an agnecy in pa and wash.it is free for anyone on medacaid. or self pay but i understand the cost is small.
go on line to SENIOR LIFE

We are in the Midwest. We have a Senior Van that will pick up and deliver and my MIL 'complains' that is takes too long and is too bumpy, etc., etc., etc.

Thank you Codger, I worked in a nursing home many years ago and saw a lot of things happen. I am against putting her in a home here because I do not know the reputations of them. She was in one in Tn that was fantastic and I wouldn't have moved her but, when we moved after our house burning I wasn't goiong to leave her in a state all by herself. She has alzhiemers and deaf so you never know what she is going to say. Thank you for caring.

I have a question, at the moment there are no long term beds available in any home around me. It looks like mom will be with me a long time still. she has gone from 124 pounds since Aug to 87 -90 pounds. She is now constantly drinking and I think it's the kidney diesese, but I can't get her to eat much of anything. I've tried everything, Her tastes have changed and when she likes something like cinn , flavored oatmeal she will eat at the most 3 to 5 tsp. i'm giving her Ensure powered so I can mix it myself with milk, ice cream, eggs . Any idea what I can do to get some calories into her? I'm running out of ideas. I worked in the kitchen in a nursing home many years ago but I can't remember what they did, I know grape juice was one thing . Help please. Hospice says its just her body is shutting down. But I can't let her starve to death that would kill me. Also, My maternal grandfather died in November, my dad Dec 4, my paternal grandmom Dec 26 , my MIL dec 28 my maternal grandmom Jan 2. I'm so nervous that I'm going to loode my mom during the holidays too. I'm downright scared and i'm 61 and should be capable of taking this on the chin,

Rusty - not sure if your doctor has given you much info on diet and kidney disease - but there is plenty of info online.

I know that when a person doesn't feel well - the last thing they want to do it eat. How old is your mom? As much as we want and as hard as we try - some thing we can't fix. Do as much research as possible and I hope you find the answer.

I know you have to watch protein intake with kidney disease - but, sadly, that's about the extent of my knowledge. :0(

Rusty maybe there is an appetite stimulate for people? Maybe the doctor or pharmacist would know?

Thank you for your help, had not thought about putting oatmeal in the blender. I do everything else that way. Today she started out at 4:15 a.m hissing, growling yelling in a strange voice. She dug her nails into the back of my hand etc. I used the weighted blanket tried to calm her but nothing worked not even zanax. My husband had taken all he can and he left tonight. Now I'm alone and I will make it somehow. The only support I have is hospice. I've been trying to get her into a nursing home but they have no long term beds available and I don't want to bounce her arround because it makes her more confused. So we are still on the waiting list and also waiting for medicaid. but with the governor that we have I don't know if she can even get on medicaid. If my husband doesn't come back also financial I'm up a wall because the Dr will not let me work due to some problems that i have. But I'll take it one day at a time like I was taught in Alanon. That is about all I can do where I have no family. With mom it's probably just a matter of time she is just skin over bones now and she has been trying to break my husband and myself up now for months. for some reason she hates him. I don't know why becasue they have always been the best of friends.

Talk to her doctor and see if he will find a reason to admit her to the hospital for at least 3 days (Medicare requirement in order for Medicare to Pay for the stay). If he can find a legitimate reason to admit her - then it is easier to get her placed into a nursing home directly from the hospital or at least put on the swing unit for a few weeks to build her strength. Talk to your doctor.

I am sorry your hubby left and maybe he will come back. I hope so. This sort of thing takes a heavy toll. She needs to be placed. Talk to her doctor as soon as possible.

Our moms must be about the same age - my mom would have been 97 this February if she had lived. She died at age 60. She always said if someone wants to see me, come while I am alive and if they want to give me flowers - do it while I can still enjoy them. :0) She wanted a closed coffin and asked us kids not to look. Six kids and I am the only one who didn't look. :0( I can understand why they did and I don't fret over it. I just wanted to remember mom as she was. I still miss her. That was before cremation was as accepted as it is now. We intend to be cremated as will be my MIL - her request. Just a nice Memorial after the fact.
But I think that is something we should remember to do - little kindnesses for those who really need it.

I remember reading once that if we have lost a child or parent - then find someone else to do something nice for. An orphan, a lonely person in a nursing home. I have always tried to do that. Have my hands kinda full now, but my hubby and I always visited nursing homes - even when we were young. I guess we are weird.

I am sorry that things have come to this point in your mom's life. It will be a sad day for you - whether it is necessary or not. But, sadly, people grow old and sick and need care - so much care that it can just get beyond us before we ever realize it. Then one day we wake up and we are exhausted and angry and just can't take it anymore and other relatives or friends can't even SEE what's the big deal. That when you really feel crazy and alone.

Websites like this one are certainly a blessing - because we KNOW what these people are dealing with and we can actually FEEL each other's pain and worry and sadness. Take care. Don't take it out on hubby - he's only human, too.

captainturk1 this is my life we both are living just different houses. Today my mother called me the devil, that I am the cause of all the problems in the house,...she is sooooo mean to me. So I decided for the 2nd time this week, because I had chest pains on tuesday and had to go to the hospital, that I told her , I am done, you are on your own. Hoping she will learn to respect me and all i do for her and my dad with alzehmers. I have been so beaten down mentally, this week, I wanted to take my life, but a friend talked me out of it. My kids, although grown, still need their mom and my grandbabies. I am adopted and have a twin, I am pretty sure she wishes she only adopted my twin, and not me. My twin lives 5 minutes away and will not help, if we see her 1 a month.. and mom adores her..doesn't make sense.... god bless

Twinlaura, I am so VERY glad you did not take your life. You my dear are extremely overwhelmed. You should heed the advice that has been given to you. You ARE very important. You need to take care of you first. Your life and happiness are just as important as your mother's. I do not necessarily think it is meant at you, personally. I think your mother is in dnial of how bad your father is and does not know what to do to handle it and you are her whipping post. I do not know what to tell you to say to your mother but I know you don't deserve her verbal abuse either. Vent, rant and rave on these threads. It may help keep you from being suicidal and going to the hospital. God Bless you for the wonderful care you have given to your parents. But you need to care for yourself, first.

I have 1 - 5. Unless fibromyalgia can count as number 6.

I feel like I want to end my life because of my situation.

@20406080fossil Please call your local crisis/suicide line. Caregiving can get overwhelming. At this point, it is important to ask for help. It may be time for whoever you are caregiving to go into a facility. You can take him/her to the ER and say you can no longer do this. Social Services and the Agency on Aging can be good resources for you, however, in the short term, it is important to get help for yourself. Your doc can prescribe antidepressants to help you over this period. Please let us know how you are.

I most have it easy I have a 64 year old mother that I take care of, for the most part she can take care of hereself, however do to her being an amputee she relies on me a lot, I take care of six cats and a dog, who every 3 to 4 hours I have to take out, my actual job being paid is me taking care of here the money is split so I get about 800 a months, and I live at home.

yet as a 25 year old male, I hate it, I didnt want to be a paid caregiver, becuase I new it would change things, do to certain situations I am unable to get another job (btw this is the the only job I have ever had) something that I have wanted to do since I was 15, she hires people like (one to take the dog out) and has everything shipped to her ( she has not left the house in 3 years), but it frustrate me so ,much, I am the only reguler helper and I dont really get any support other then people saying I should move out (something that really bothers me) and I just dont know what to do, I just want to live my life and not have everyone telling what I should do and what I shoulff be greatful for.
I am sorry I must sound like a whiny ungratful individual and maybe I am.

I have 5 out of the 6 signs time to do something before its too late

I was a caregiver and felt sometime burnout but I have to overcome it. Didalots praying and reading the bible. Also pick my own self up.

I know all of these. I also know ending it all, would not help either of us. I got up, tired from a night of pain in my disabled left ankle,went to work and got into it with boss and lost job, took 5minutes. house might sell wed, who knows, house sells and everything will get 200% better. if not its try to find my bearings and fight back and survive. I am tired-beat down-unhappy-wanna go home, don't know where home is even. She gets worse each month, we are both dying from this now. i am burned out on everything. no money-no sale yet, just pain, which chronic pain and tress will drive to rash decisions etc.

I'm Bi- Polar which adds to the Trama-Drama.Not the way 99% of the population thinks, including My Mother, Brother,and possiblely her Doctor. I'm on and take my medication as directed. I've had the same Doctor for 15 years (Psychiatrist).Moms Sister and best friend died in Oct. 2012.Here problems started then. I called her 3 times a day for a year. I live in Ca. She's in Ohio.I ve done great as a caregiver. Putting things in order Moms home, it was a mess, her diet, hygiene. She was eating chips and Pepsi. I was here 6 weeks, and be cause of my own health I had to return to Ca. I had Catarect Surgery, which I had problems with. I'm here in Ohio again. And my Mom is getting worse. I am getting no cooperation from Brother, Mother, or Dr. Mom won't put me on HIPAA, because she doesn't want me to talk to Dr. Brother won't back me up, She needs to see a Neurologist, at the very least. I also believe she needs anti- depressants and a stronger tranquilizer,as she's been on Ativan 0.5 for years. I'm getting resistance from everyone. As well as living and taking care of a 2 year old teenager. There reasoning and excuse is I'm Bi-Polar. Besides packing Bags and saying Hosta La Viests Baby, and let them deal with this. What can I do?

Yu are suppose take care of the brother not her. When visit she should ask if you need anything or for her brother. Some people arevery self of themselves. In consider of others.

I am 51 years old, after 20 years of being abused in a horrible marriage, I finally summon the courage to get a divorce. along with the divorce I got cancer. After surviving high dose chemo a hip transplant and total reconstruction of a broken neck all do to neglecting my own health and letting the cancer almost kill me, I met and married a wonderful man who is my soulmate and best friend. the month of our wedding coincided with a turn for the worse for my mother who was suffering from Alzheimer's. she was in her seventies at the time and my father was in his early eighties. My mother was a delightful woman, but my father who was her caregiver at first, suddenly realized that my husband was the type that would do anything for anyone. very quickly my husband became my mother's primary caregiver. My father would make excuses about his back hurting et cetera. Trying to raise my teenage daughter, and begin my relationship with my two step sons and our two grandchildren was challenging all by itself, but now we found ourselves caring for not one but two of my elderly parents. all of this while we were running the family businesses. cancer reoccurred, and soon after that my husband suffered a major heart attack. My mother passed away, and now my father expect my husband to spend 100 percent of his time taking him on errands, etc. my father has no friends and refuses to have relationships with his two brothers who love him dearly. He calls them old people and says they are boring. All he wants to do is have my husband drive him around and no matter how many hours a day my husband spends with him, he makes abusive remarks about how my husband never has enough time. he is extremely abusive to me and does not want me anywhere around he just wants to be with my husband. My husband is exhausted and feeling guilty all the time. We have absolutely no privacy. We had to spend thousands of dollars to put up security gates because my father would show up at 7 o'clock in the morning and want to spend the entire day at our house. Of course we would be waiting on him hand and foot all day. He would demand we run the heater while we were dripping sweat in the heat of the summer. He is an extremely abusive cruel man. of interest is, he never spent any time with his father in law or his mother when she became elderly. He told them they were elderly and needed to go into a home for elderly people. He said he had a life to live and it didn't include caring for elderly people. He has long term care insurance that we have been paying for 25 years now. He is 87 years old and says he will go into an assisted living facility when he starts needing help. meanwhile he has not bought his own groceries or done a single thing for himself for the last 5 years. My husband has done a hundred percent of everything for him. he recently rammed another car in a parking lot and left the scene claiming that he couldn't see any marks on the other car. I believe that is illegal leaving the scene of an accident. he is constantly complaining about all of his health ailments, but only wants my husband to take care of him. we have decided to leave the state. We both feel terrible about it, and don't know how to break the news to him, but at this point it's going to kill either one or both of us and we are only in our fifties. we have not had a chance to nurture our marriage, or our relationship with our daughter sons and grandchildren.we don't know what will become of my dad when we move, but we are moving. Does anybody have any advice for getting my dad to listen 2 reason? I failed to mention his gambling habit which gets worse by the day. He spent over $20,000 in one month last summer at the casino. At this rate the entire family will be broke in no time. we have power of attorney and are limiting the money we give to him, pay all of his bills, but he keeps asking for more money claiming he needs to pay his bills. what I am hoping for is some advice on how to get him to agree to move into an assisted living facility. He needs to be around people his own age and he definitely needs 24 hour nursing care. he has insurance to cover this, but still refuses claiming is that my husband is doing a fine job so why would he need to go live with a bunch of disgusting old people. there is no end to the amount of abuse we have been subjected to. He has literally ruined the first several years of our marriage. we live in fear of the phone ringing. We had to lie to him and tell him my husbands phone got taken away by his cardiologist. even when we told him that it would literally kill my husband to continue to receive so many phone calls, my father continue to call 15 to 20 times a day. Now he calls my phone looking for my husband several times a day. When my husband isn't available every minute, my father asks what in the world could he have to do that is so important. he also tells my husband he knows he will just be bored spending time with me, so he should probably just move in so the two of them can spend more time together. it's all so sick and twisted, I just am at my wits end. I never would believe my father would choose my husband over me, but he literally could care less about me. When he heard about my cancer coming back, all he wanted to know was how much of my husband's time was that going to eat up. when my daughter needed surgery, he told my husband to let her go by herself to the hospital. he does not understand my husband caring for anybody but him. Is there anybody out there that has a similar situation? I don't want to abandon him, but I don't feel like we have a choice. please if you're out there and any of this rings a bell for you, can you offer any advice? I would appreciate it. if you're still listening, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-Finished

of course we're better we are all giving up our lives to take care of people who mostly don't even remember, or appreciate, or have the capacity to do either. No one ever told me that after college and finding a wonderful would be all about the thankless job of caring for a mean old man after my lovely Alzheimer's ridden mother passed away. daddy was so old already I figured he would use his long term care insurance he has been paying for for decades, but whenever I bring it up he says I'm not going to go into assisted living until I need assistance. I've ... All he does is sit in a chair and watch television all day and call my husband and me whenever anything goes wrong and something goes wrong every single day. He get so angry when my husband wants to spend anytime with me or our children. it's as though he thinks we are the bother to my husband and that my husband should just want to move in with him. Hell yes I'm bitter. this man has ruined my life. He has ruined my marriage... Almost anyway... I have had cancer I'm sure from all this stress and my husband had a heart attack a few months ago we are only 50 years old. totally stress related his cardiologist said. big surprise!! I too have a useless sibling who is always just too busy. We pay all of her bills, she has no job, meanwhile we struggled to run the family businesses so everyone doesn't starve to death. Daddy has the insurance, he knows the address of the facility, I am truly finished. We have already purchased our property in another state and we are in the process of moving. Yes we are moving away from him. I think what you want, but I deserve a life too. My dad has fifty five years with my mom. My entire adult life has been all about caregiving. By the way my dad put his own mother in a state facility and never looked back. he has a beautiful / plush place waiting for him...but he is so damn selfish he would rather ruin our lives then admit that his needs to change. He called me yesterday trying to track down my husband...asking why he is so damn busy all the time. My husband had been at his house the last two days taking him groceries cleaning up after him. I asked my dad how often he ever saw his father in law. He had no answer. All of a sudden his hearing aids didn't work. The answer to the question was never. He wouldn't even take a phone call from his father in law. He said he had no reason to waste his time talking to old people. Hell yes I'm bitter. I have feelings of hatred for this man that keep me up at night.