I joined this forum when my husband and I began caring for his parents, which opened my eyes to the (very high) value of early planning.
My dad is a decade younger than the in-laws, and has always been on the extreme side. Career Marine, chain-smoker, extreme sports, workaholic, hard drinker, all-or-nothing thinking, certain he'd outlive us all.
He lives a state over from me with his girlfriend, and I'm the only one of his three children he's not currently estranged from. I've brought up late-life planning with him a few times. He laughs it off, says he'll "never go into a home -- that's for people who get old."
Last time I pressed him on it, here's what I got:
He's going to head out into the woods somewhere "out west" and die like (his idea of) a Native American. He might take his guns or maybe just knives (there are plenty of both) and a hunting bow. He'll ride off on a horse (which he'll buy since I pointed out no-one will rent one to a random old guy geared up to attack the wilderness).
The capper: Since he doesn't believe the wilderness itself will be enough to kill him, he came up with the plan to hunt a bear. Which ALSO wouldn't be enough to easily kill him, so in his scenario he and the bear fight to a standstill and die together (in each others' arms?).
On the practical side, I brought up my concern for the poor domesticated horse left wandering alone in bear country, and also asked just when he thought he would be at the point of triggering this glorious end yet still have the mental and physical capacity to fly "out west," find a horse, plan his route, survive the weather, cross paths with said bear, etc. etc.
Really it's both insanely funny and at the same time frustrating. I plan to do some research on his state's policies, try to get him on a VA home waiting list at some point, assess what resources he owns that aren't buried underground, maybe warn his local police if dementia arises in his well-armed house, and continue to make it clear that I'll help in a planning capacity but that he needs to get his ducks (not bears) in a row.
If this sounds like your dad (or uncle or grandpa, or heck, a female relative) share their crazy plan or any suggestions :)
Don't waste your time calling the VA for anything. My gem of a VSO told me a Vietnam Combat Vet he helped had been shot in Vietnam and got a Purple Heart. Yet he tried 30 years to get money from the VA and never did....until my VSO stepped in. If your "Wild West" guy is a combat veteran who survived Vietnam, he's not scared of anything as it is.
The REALITY is the VA (Dept. of Veterans Affairs) does NOT provide facilities anywhere for Vets to live, only the STATES have Veteran Homes. They lie about it on their website and to every family member (like me) trying to get their Vet placed. Better get him on your state's VA Homes wait list NOW, since most are 5 year waits. You have to apply first and get accepted.
The Federal VA is a national disgrace. If you live in a state with low population, you MAY get a dime's help from the state's VA. They talk big and DO NOTHING.
I was devastated at first, now I'm disgusted. Lesson learned.
She has been saying this for years as we try to get her to get her paperwork in order . We told her if she were to become incapacitated , she would need my husband to pay her bills etc .
She would say she would shoot her self first before going to a nursing home . She does not own any guns . A few years ago we finally resorted to saying to her “ how are you going to go out and buy a gun after you’ve had a stroke and can’t walk ?”
She would not answer .
She still lives at home with undiagnosed dementia , very poor mobility , refuses a walker , grab bars etc . Falls alot . We tried and failed at “ unsafe discharge” last month , because she still showtimes well .
www.msn.com/en-us/travel/tripideas/10-states-in-the-us-that-permit-pet-bears-is-it-a-good-idea/ss-AA1wQO2d?ocid=msedgntp&pc=U531&cvid=ca0f299c15294de4d63a5846556f5410&ei=15
10 States in the US That Permit Pet Bears (Is It a Good Idea?)
I think I would want to ask your dad which kind of bears? A black bear might provide that fantasy mutual ending (but a mean thing to do to the bear!). Ask if he’d prefer grizzlies or, even nastier, polar bears. There are lots of videos and descriptions of what those do to humans. Give him something to think about with his “plan.”
FUBAR.
To which I started to reply, "If you continue to say dumba** stuff like that to me I'm gonna shoot you right now."
And she stopped saying that, except every once in a while she'll pull out the old "Just put me on an ice flow and send me off into the sunset" nonsense (since we live in MN I could totally do it and some days I really want to). She's 95 and acts like she's not afraid of dying but totally is. So is your Dad. The more nonsensical BS they spew about glorious endings the more scared they actually are.
Your Dad is now and will continue to be a dumpster fire. Stop trying to insert yourself or rescue him from himself. Let his clueless GF attempt it. When things start falling apart and one of them contacts you, you just look at them and say, "This is what you planned for. Call the VA."
Your Dad's action-movie exit is definitely imaginative. Everyone on this forum knows what genre it really is: a slow-motion train wreck -- and you have a front row seat. FUBAR.
May you receive peace in your heart as you find and defend your boundaries.
There are so many EASY ways to go and this old 82 year old nurse knows them all!
Doesn't waste a horse or feed a bear, either. Hee hee. Sounds like he loves a good story. Best out to him.
Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, a jump from the Golden Gate Bridge is a major fantasy and happens all the time.
If you haven't gotten Dad on CalVet Yountville's Wait List, better do it now. It runs 5 years. I bet those guys can really talk adventure! When they were 19, they were the total bad-asses of the world, as Vietnam Combat Veterans. I've heard stories for years! Heartbreaking and fascinating. My Ex is now a frail old man at 75. I could probably take him on. I'd rather polish his medals for him instead. I'm proud of his sacrifice, just like my own Dad.
My mother insisted for 30 yrs she and my dad would die together somehow. Despite the fact she sat behind him in the back seat of the car so his "body would cushion the blow to her body" in a crash 🙄 They didn't die together, of course, but 7 years apart, dad at 91 of a brain tumor and mom at 95 of advanced dementia and CHF.