The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

@Binkaa

I'm happy for you and your husband that he made the right decision and put his wife before his mother and moved your MIL out of the your house.

I was an in-home caregiver as my employment for 25 years befor going into the business of it. I was also one to my abusively needy mother for a time.
Every person I ever provided care to learned very fast that the tantrums, crying, demands, and verbal abuse got them absolutely nowhere with me. I NEVER waited on any care client hand and foot not even my own mother. I learned early on what the actual job of a caregiver is. It's to help a person. To make sure their basic needs are met and they are safe. This does not include catering to fussy nonsense and stubbornness or being verbally abused by them. This does not include doing the work of a full staff of domestic servants either. It does not mean babysitting an elder without pay because their family wants a break. I had a family pull this one time on me. It was Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the family's secret plan to leave for their holiday plans straight from work and stick me with their "loved one". I tried calling for a couple hours and no one answered. So I called the police and left grandma with the cops. The police reached them.

Families who always say there's nothing wrong with a person and criticize the one who has to take care of them it's because they're in denial. Or they want to make sure they don't have to take on any of it.

Good for you and your husband. He did the right thing even if the family is giving some backlash about it. Any one of them can take your MIL in and take over the caregiving.

Well oddly I didn’t bring it to an end the DH did as he couldn’t handle her anymore and one day he told her you are leaving and that was that. I keep reliving the trauma because I still have to interact with this woman and I have not yet made the decision to go no contact . But on the plus side DH has really seen her for what she is , clearly he is still very attached to, he feels guilty constantly has to call her she has made an unhealthy relationship with her children especially her sons

Binka, thank goodness your awful MIL is now “out of your home”, even though clearly the damage is still haunting you.

The most helpful thing you could do now is to tell us how you brought it to an end, how your husband reacted, and what has happened since.

My DH and his dysfunctional family all of them . Thankfully my MIL is out of my home but the caregiving for a person like herself was even overwhelming for her own son . Her whole family denies they there is anything wrong with her and if you so much as dare to say anything they put the blame on you . Everything from oh you just don’t want her in your home , she’s a sweet person doesn’t ask for anything your the problem you should be watching her catering to her ridiculous needs . Case in point , she was wake up crying every morning , when you don’t run in fast enough she will start pounding the floor with her cane and what does she want ?? She wants tea or honey or cereal , but wait not that honey because that one isn’t good or oh you out too much cereal take it back and give me less milk and more cereal or whatever crazy thing she comes up with . She has everybody I mean everybody on a list to how many times they should be calling her she has ingrained so that if a day should god forbid pass she will tell you .

I'm taking care of my 94yr old father full time with VA respite care 11 hours a week. I'm worn out from everything including the threats of physical violence. Court system doesn't help to protect him or myself.

My daughter,partner and children moved to Cornwall in 2009. My husband and I moved to bungalow around same time. My daughter aged 47 passed away in Cornwall in January 2022 didnt like going to doctors. It was around covid time. She had troubles with menopause and died with blood clot in lung at her home in partners home. At the time I was caring for my husband 78 who was given 6 months to live. I had a phone call from her partner the next morning telling me of her death. My husband passed in March 2022. Difficult year. My son is 48 has living with me for about a year and looking for his own place. My grandchildren are aged 18 and 22years. I havent seen them since 2023 when my son took me there. I myself had pulmonary embolism and given permanent blood thinners after I had visited my grandchildren 2023. My son never married and has no children. My grandchildrens father has met someone and is living with her. I feel I dont want to see her because my daughter should be alive if she had gone to doctors. I go to clubs where there are older widowed women. I feel my life has no purpose and I am just carrying one. I am contacted by granddaughter via whatsapp. I just wonder how long I will carry on.

Thx, nacy. I figure that's it. Just have to rest and avoid stress as much as possible.

My vent for the day as a younger babyboomer who is tired of hearing people complain about my whole generation as if we are homogenous.

As one who is a bit tired of so much complaining about things as if they are the first ones to every see such problems, here's my sentiment.
"Really now, my older baby boobers were saying this for over a decade before I was born and we kept hearing it over and over again plus we said it too, plus the nuclear war drills in school, the race-Veltman-equal rights riots, political corruption, sexual issues, the government killing its own people on college campuses, environmental protests, fake government created shortages to jack up prices for industries, inflation rates peaking at levels not seen in decades-yet we complain today, churches turning their backs on youth-looking down on even the one who did come to Jesus-but didn’t dress, cut their hair, enjoy music like them, assassinations it seemed like 1 every so many years in a row plus, TV stations asked parents if they knew where their children were at 10 pm given the dangerous social unrest in society and whatever else I forgot."

So, with this context, my advice is for those wanting to survive times like these, which appear to be again, but on steroids, as a boomer.

I'm doing OK, thx , nacy.

It was raining here yesterday and I'm almost feeling like I have spring fever - the lazy type.

I think I am just tired from the last few years of house downsizing, moving and the related work and adjustments, R's health issues, and now DD's issues. I want a break.

Re your bro and the PTSD neighbour - I hear you and think you are wise to keep your distance.

Thinking of your upcoming cruise and hope you have a great time.

Anxietynacy, SharynMMarie and others,

I've shared some deep stuff with you but here is something good that is arising out of this due in part to the work of my narcolepsy life coach.

My Narcolepsy life coaching is showing me that beneath the trauma and weeds and undergrowth from my chidhood trauma, are sparks of light that reflects my dad's input and thus the me before all this junk happened to me. The latest DNA analysis from Ancestry dot com says his DNA was from twice to four times as influential as my mom's. This provides a glimmer of hope. That's where the normal me is. Otherwise, I don't and I'm not sure anyone with a past childhood trauma like mine would feel normal. I have not felt like a normal man.

This coach is amazing in how he is able to draw insights into what I share about myself my interests, abilities and experiences with those things. I asked him for his notes from that experience and he did. I must go back over them in more depth and regularly to let them sink in deeply. 

Altogether, but not to sound overly triumphant or unvanquished but given the influence and strength of my dad's DNA in me meant that mom was attempting a biological impossibility in trying to make me not like my dad or raise me on a pink pillow as my dad called it. There are buried fragments inside of me being very much like my dad that mom absolutely did not want true of me like my dad such as growing up as an all-American boy whatever that means. Also, going through the car phase and other phases that my dad pointed out that somehow, I missed.

When I shared these insights with my wife, she was not entirely focus as she wanted to get back to a TV program. She asked who the coach was although she knows that I've been meeting with my life coach now since before Thanksgiving every Thursday night. I think that she missed it when she said, oh so you will stop living in the past which is hardly what this means.

Frankly, there are times when I must deal with the past when these new waves of memories come. Those things happened to me but they don't define me as my clergy friend said in an email response. I believe that what I'm saying here is much more than not living in the past. It's discovering the real me beneath all of the junk and things that have grown over it. Only time will tell if she can handle or not handle the new me.

Yoda, just keep using your cpap machine. You should feel more energetic (not running a marathon), but feel more awake and tuned in.

Hi Nacy - yes, it stinks. I have been surrounded by it - my mother, my sis has some sort of PD, my dd and my dgd. I have no doubt it is genetic. I experience the change of mood too, but in a different way.

Me "Would you like this for a Christmas present?"
DD "Yes, that would be great."

A few days later:
Me: "How is it working for you?"
DD "Oh, I don't need anything like that."

This expensive present will likely go in the trash. It has happened before. I should learn my lesson and stick to just giving money. That's always welcome.

We did fairly well for years in the north when I went over to visit, Over the years I had various of family living with me when things went wrong on their household. Once I stayed with them for a few weeks when the water was off in my house, for which I was very grateful. But this transition where I am further way and not able to visit much or have anyone to stay has upset the balance.

Also, I have set a few boundaries which are not well received. But that's life. I guess. I'm just biding my time right now. I'm not interested in scenes and drama. I'm handling my life as peaceably as possible.

I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has this condition. It must make their life very difficult. While DD is not doing that well, Dgd is doing extremely well. As you say with your son - doing better and better. I am happy for both of you. Long may it continue. Thanks for sharing. It helped.

ali - I'm sorry about your family situation. it's hard seeing loved ones make decisions which are "bad" in our eyes and probably in the eyes of many others. But sometimes, maybe often, we have no influence and our relationships with them are fragile. Embarrassing ? Yes it certainly can be.

Sharyn - thinking of you and your very recent loss. Tomorrow will not be an easy day. Processing it all takes time. I'm glad you have pets and family for support and distraction. Sounds like you are doing the right thing looking after yourself with the exercise bike and stretching.

My dd is showing symptoms of her BPD more since the move from the north started with first me, then her youngest, then, she, herself moving to E'ton. I can't "drop in" as I used to and she doesn't have a car often so we see little of each other. I'm the only one who makes phone calls. Always have been unless she needs something. I think she hoped things would return to what they used to be once she moved down here with me coming to visit but that amount of driving is unrealistic for me at my age.- the better part of an hour and lots of it in the city. I more and more rely on R to drive me places as I am weaning myself off being a driver. I do get to see my oldest son more than I did but again it's me coming to the city, as he doesn't drive and the transportation out to here is not good or expensive. I don't think dd even considers coming to visit me.

My solutions so far are to host family meals for all of us together, so R drives and we all see once another. We had a nice family brunch before Christmas and I will arrange that kind of thing again. It's not the same as dropping in and having girl talk but phone calls and texts just don't seem to be working well these days. DD knitted me a lovely scarf for Christmas - great pattern and soft pink colour which is what I wanted, but the yarn has bristles, which somehow seems appropriate.

SharynMMarie,

Sorry to hear of your husband ceasing to use his CPAP and that he had a stroke as, yes, you guessed right, a result of not using it.

Another amazing night of sleep. 9 h 42 m. I love how I feel when I wake up plus other things as well.

AliBoBali,

Two suggestions.

1. Go outside for a walk or do something outside to get your mind elsewhere for about 15 to 20 minutes.

2. When you come back in do more study on your topic and then try writing.

I think your brain is tired and thus your mind can't kick in yet for writing. I hope this trick works. It does for me and I know others who have done the same thing.

Yoda, glad to hear the changes to your clap are helping. My hubs was suppose to use a clap but he stopped after a few years. That possibly helped to contribute to the stroke he had in 2013.

Ali, I can say from experience as I’m sure you can too, narcissistic people don’t believe they have a problem, only those who disagree with them have a problem. Isn’t it amazing how we can see these things when we are not closely involved with difficult family members any longer.

tomorrow I go back to the funeral home to finalize my husbands headstone. Tomorrow will be one month since my hubs passed away. I still struggle with the reality of it. His committal will be April 11. I have my zoo keeping me company daily, my grandsons 4 days a week after school. I bought a used exercise bike from marketplace to aid with my stretching exercises.

Hey Yoda, I'm so glad you're getting helpful treatment for the narcolepsy! You're going to feel very different for a little bit, I'm sure, since you're not used to getting sound sleep, right? I hope your progress continues and just gets better and better.

Sharyn, I'm thinking of you and yours. Happy New Year. I hope things smooth out with what you're finding out after DH's unexpected death.

...

I haven't been back here to talk about what I witnessed during the Christmas holiday trip. I don't know where to start, and it's embarrassing.

It's one of those moments when I realized that I *must* stay busy with my life. It's not a deflection; it's my lifesaver. There are a couple of folks in my family that I'm not sure I can ever help by giving them outside help. I think underlying issues remain undiagnosed, and folks are too stubborn to gain clarity. No one wants to see your family and loved ones live the way some of mine are, and the three adults (mom, dad, younger bro) together... it's not a good mix of personalities and disorders.

Here's a story about someone who I know.

I and many other United Methodists hear the phrase “means of grace” repeatedly. Most often, we hear about Wesley’s most important list of the means of grace. However, Wesley states there are the prudential means of grace. These are the ways in which God reaches out to us with his love, wisdom, strength, etc. according to one’s needs and circumstances.

Time and space fail to allow for all to be covered. Some are presented here to flesh this article out. I am reminded of a story about a young boy, afraid in the nighttime storm who had the following response to his mom’s comforting words, “dear God is with you,” saying, “yeah, but I want some flesh and blood”. Ever feel like that little boy at times? I am sure one has. All have at one time or another.

Help from the larger Christian and sometimes non-Christian community are the prudential means of how God’s grace comes to us incarnate, that is in flesh and blood. If God can speak through a donkey in the OT, then why can’t he use a non-Christians to give us his grace in our time of need.

I know of someone whose life illustrates the variety, importance, and real-life help of God’s prudential means of grace in their life. Some people were short term means of prudential grace who came for a season and then were gone. Others helped meet specific needs at the time which later either were not needed any longer or others took their place because of moving or something. A faithful few have been continuous means of prudential grace over the long-haul of more than 24 years offering insights, wisdom, a non-judgmental listening ear, offering perspective and even pointing them to where they could get practical help. These people included friends, relatives, sport instructors and family, fellow travelers with guidance about where to find financial help when needed, complete strangers, and more. Not all make it into this quickly told edition, but all are thanked.

Our story beings 25 years ago in a family with a wife and two children. The husband was under extreme professional and personal stress as was the family with one member having severe mental health challenges with repeating hospital visits. After one visit, a nurse offered him a handout about NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) encouraging him to contract the state office to learn more and how they could help. This stranger was the means through which he met new people who already understood his path plus offered their own support as well as free resources for his journey. Their help lasted longer than their ability to keep up with him over the years.

Soon his children spoke of learning a sport that he could learn with them. This meant crossing paths with an unexpectedly helpful person and family with his children in times of emergencies plus other ways as well. Their experience of prudential grace was reciprocal. Learning that new sport together was a great means of stress relief plus a transient escape which we all need at times.

However, well intentioned, he sought to be a therapist for his children since he was trained. It was a great learning experience, but soon his physical and mental health broke down as he found himself experiencing full-time disability in his mid-40s almost a year after completing a doctorate. In turn, it created a personal and professional identity crisis which his therapist and his faith helped him with. He moved his children to the help of real counselors.

His therapist was a woman of very conservative Christian faith, yet not judgmental as he told her his life story. She helped him to feel much better about himself. She helped him learn about boundaries and having concrete consequences for when they are broken. She decided to return to school counseling but closed with a profound insight like a double-edged blade.

To be continued below.

Continued from above

She told him that one day that he would understand much about his life, hoping that he could forgive the person at the center of it all, but understood if not. It was almost 15 years before what was previously hidden became clear as a relative was declining and then quickly dying. He was still in therapy with another therapist, but he could not speak the traumatic memories surfacing in his mind. At first, he used pictures. His therapist understood. He was learning more about the trauma of his younger years than ever before. It was almost too much to process. A person online suggested a private support group for him. It has been a life saver as he’s been totally free to share and receive their gracious input. He was able to put his memories into 2 poems.

Around that same time, another person came into his life that offered an empathetic, nonjudgmental ear to as much as he could say at the time from time to time over the years. This was a reciprocal relationship of prudential grace for each other. Over the years, as the extended family mental health Jedi, the two became more like siblings in their journey as they each kept working on their own, healing and working together on mutual concerns and challenges. More recently, these two moved into a truly platonic ride or die relationship level as defined by country people in West Viginia instead of Wikipedia whose definition is whitewashed and shallow. Around 11 years after that relative’s death, this same person asked him if he could talk about those things now. He could and did so freely. It turned into a healing, non judgemental discussion which is what the ride or die friend had hoped for. This exemplifies what such a friendship means when each is strong enough to reach down into the other’s dark places and lift them out.

Unfortunately, our story moved so quickly that the prudential grace through his sister like friend from high school who with her husband gave him awesome support and other random acts of tangible kindness; two cousins following his dad’s death with practical advice, physical presence plus a suggested book to read; a powerlifting trainer plus good amateur competition experiences retiring with a bench press of 315 at age 43 at 5ft 7 weighing 226; and an online Lutheran pastor who he’s never met in person, but has talked with on the phone since 1996 through today. He’s often been that one thread by which his faith held on, not to mention a secular person encouraging him to not be so hard on himself concerning some understandable coping mechanisms as well as giving him a wise warning for his current and future well-being via other means. He had random mystical experiences of God’s love! He felt the emotional and mental chains fall off from past coping mechanisms due to his traumatic experiences.

Although when his early sister like friend asked what he did to experience such, he had no answer. Eventually, he discovered that often people with a history of deep trauma often have such random, unpredictable mystical experiences of the almost tangible presence of God and his love. They randomly took place, often lasting for days or weeks.

He is thankful to God and to these people for all the various experiences of the prudential means of God’s grace in his and his family’s life down through the years in their journey as they have dealt with their challenges.

He dedicates this summary in memory and honor of those whose description and contributions did not make this publication as a church historian once said in the introductory page of his book.

Continued from above.

Speaking of writing, the prudential grace of God enabled him to author a helpful published book as well as journal articles plus poems from before and since 8 years ago. He noted that because of the support of the larger community, he experienced times of great united mental and emotional clarity, producing written works that were perfect original drafts. Normally, he is not a good speller plus he often needs grammatical correction, but not in those times. His trauma support group powerfully validated his emotions and ideas, saying that he clearly communicated about his traumatic experiences but wrote such pain filled poems with such a unique and excellent writing style, one of which sounded like a rap song. One can read them anonymously published online in order to let others know that they are not alone plus offer encouragement that victimhood can be escaped from as one take responsibility, not for their trauma or their coping mechanisms which is false, but for living now into the future in the hood called adulthood.

It’s crucial to validate the emotions of one with a trauma filled background regardless if we understand them precisely without judgement or even asking for clarity, nor needing to agree or not agree with how they say things which those who have not healed enough, unnecessarily get worked up over which does not help the person nor the whole conversation. Such is a time to be still, fully in the present moment, avoid offering solutions, and listen attentively without expressing any shock outwardly.

Such listening is a means of prudential grace as well. He has experienced this as well.

1

My narcolepsy doctor told me that he was changing the settings on my CPAP to be more sensitive to my needs. Those changes were made Saturday after 12.  

The changes in my CPAP settings must have helped Saturday night because I slept 8 hours and 46 minutes with a total time in bed of 9 hours 4 minutes. Wow. I'm still a bit sleepy but that is such an improvement. However, for some reason my mask leaked some. 

Although I have not slept as many hours, I am still sleeping and feeling better than before.

Here are some recent updates.

2.

My Narcolepsy Academy Life coaching is helping me take better care of myself. 

This coaching is very helpful. For one thing, he asked me to describe my strengths and he decerned strengths from those strengths. He sent me his notes. In looking over them, I see a lot of my dad in me that I thought I had missed due to mom raising me on a pink pillow on one hand and making me her little man, substitute spouse on the other. But no, it's there buried deep underneath.

My updated DNA results from Ancestry dot com show that his DNA was the more influential from 2 to 4 times as moms. Thus, she was fighting against his DNA in me. What an effort in futility. 

My trauma group has suggested to people to seek to regain who they were before the trauma. I have said my memory doesn't go beyond 10 when my trauma began. Now, I have some idea from my discussion with my coach and the DNA information. Maybe my trustworthy relatives can tell me what I was like before I was 10 or even 4 when mom abandoned my dad with me.

My ride or die is glad that I'm focusing on my strengths.

Here are some recent updates.

3.

My Narcolepsy Academy Life coaching is helping me take better care of myself. 

This coaching is very helpful. For one thing, he asked me to describe my strengths and he decerned strengths from those strengths. He sent me his notes. In looking over them, I see a lot of my dad in me that I thought I had missed due to mom raising me on a pink pillow on one hand and making me her little man, substitute spouse on the other. But no, it's there buried deep underneath.

My updated DNA results from Ancestry dot com show that his DNA was the more influential from 2 to 4 times as moms. Thus, she was fighting against his DNA in me. What an effort in futility. 

My trauma group has suggested to people to seek to regain who they were before the trauma. I have said my memory doesn't go beyond 10 when my trauma began. Now, I have some idea from my discussion with my coach and the DNA information. Maybe my trustworthy relatives can tell me what I was like before I was 10 or even 4 when mom abandoned my dad with me.

My ride or die is glad that I'm focusing on my strengths.

Happy New Year Sharyn Marie, and thanks for thinking of us!
You deserve good friends, neighbors, and family.
Your daughter being there for you is the very best thing that could happen.

It is good to hear from you.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope everyone came through the holiday unscathed.

There is still much I’m wading through as I’m sure it is expected even with a trust. I get so frustrated with making phone calls and the red tape just to get a live person. Today in the mail, a citation for $221.50 came in. My daughter looked up the case number. Hubs apparently was pulled over for obstruction of view and no proof of insurance. This happened on December 2. He most likely was driving our daughter’s car or the rental. This was the same day we got the rental. I feel he is kicking my behind every time I turn. Credit card debt I did not know about.

I have been so blessed at the same time as it snowed here yesterday. I made arrangements to pay my neighbor teen to take care of this for me. I looked out the window in the afternoon to see if it was still snowing. Oh my, my neighbors already did it! I cried really ugly, I posted on our community board thanking everyone and what great neighbors I have. My neighbor across the street texted me saying Happy New Year! I have no idea which neighbor did it, I’m so blessed.

Going forward each day I get a bit of paperwork done. While I despise paperwork, it has to be done. God bless my daughter, she is so helpful and patient especially on my bad days.

Tomorrow is another day and looking forward to some sunshine. There is always some sunshine each day. Buster reminds me of that daily.

hugs to everyone!

Momma beans, we all reach this same level when we can take no more abuse. You may want to read some of the great books out there on co-dependency. I will be looking at them myself. Even though my husband recently passed, some things keep kicking me in the behind. For instance I received in the mail ( in hubs name), a citation for $221.50. It is from December 2 2024. He never told me. He was pulled over for obstruction of view, most likely ice on the windshield and no proof of insurance. Most likely he was in our daughter’s car because of the accident he was in November 29. I just want to understand the mind set. Sending you hugs.

Not good. I'm done. I will deliver to mother in the ALF what she needs when she NEEDS it and that is it. I am NOT tolerating her abusive behaviors anymore. I'm an SICK of her starting arguments over stupid things. I'm sick of her complaining. I'm sick of her Faking, and lying, and manipulating. This spoiled brat, that I am now really understanding why she had so few friends and struggled in both of her marriages...I so get it now. And I'm done. Ungrateful, deceitful, manipulator perpetual victim of every mundane and benign anything. And when I say I don't want to hear it anymore...then the "I want to kill mysel,"starts. Fine. Knock yourself out. No, really. Knock yourself out, Mom. See you on the flip side! I'm so done with it!

Lately, I've been exhausted plus not sleeping well. If my sleep record was an elcrocardio-gram, then I'm flatlined.

However, there is much more to this. Two Mondays ago, my ride or die felt comfortable enough and perceived me to be at ease that she asked me to talk more about my abusive experiences with my mom. It was a healing experience given how non judgmentally she both asked questions and listened to my answers with some further commentary. I had never had that experience before. The release of all of that guilt and shame was very healing although I still carry some shame over not feeling like a normal man given mom wanting a little girl and trying to raise me like one plus dress me at home like one while confusingly treating me like a substitute spouse as her little man and the man of the house as she first called me on the second floor of her parents' house all alone.

She gave me a great gift. I've thanked her again today. She's kept her word about keeping this private.

She responded back to my email saying that she had hoped that my talking about the events with your Mom would help me; so she is glad it did.

She hopes my narcolepsy doctor appointment tomorrow will be helpful. She validated that my desperation over this is evident.

Such a sharing experience like this is exhausting. I will soon go back to bed for the second time today.

Ok, I'm out of here to get a piece of sleep.

(((((sharyn)))) hope you and family are doing OK. You've been in my thoughts and prayers.

ali - hugs to you too. I like your phrase "the stew of dysfunction". Very accurate description. Many of us are "fixers" so it is hard to see, but often you just have to back off, and let them do their thing. It's their lives and their choices. Hope you ahd some relax time anyway.

Earlier today, for several hours, I witnessed the stew of dysfunction that is my mom, dad (86 and in poor health), and younger brother now living together in mom's small house. At this same time last year, they each lived separately; dad in his IL, YB in his own place, and mom in her small house. Recently, due to circumstances, they've combined the three single households into one. They don't live together by choice but through life circumstances, and YB has a lot of resentment towards my mom. I wish I knew how to help them. All offers of help (from me and from many other extended family members) have been refused; Mom and YB want to do things their way. It was tough to see firsthand how they are living and the resentment, strife, and muddled thinking.