notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
I hope everyone and everything is going to be ok. Come back and share when you have more time, maybe. This is very sudden... Sending you big hugs
A tragic event and suddenly has stuck me and my family. I reported my husband as missing on December 8. He was found December 9 deceased from a solo car accident. At this time the coroner has told me he was having an allergic reaction and cardiac event. The only thing we know of he has an allergy to is kiwi. We as a family believe he ate a salad with kiwi and he did not know it had kiwi in it. He told me he was going to the store.
many of you know my husband and I did not see eye to eye often. We had many agruments. Yet I love him. My whole family is grieving from Idaho , Colorado, California, Georgia and Kentucky.
we are processing our loss without rushing to decisions. He was veteran and will be place in a veteran cemetery in Idaho. Decisions will be made after Christmas.
Options are basically to turn the folks over for care of the state.
You cannot possible accomplish anything at this point from the other side of the country.
Call APS in their area.
Whatever you do do not take responsibility of guardianship even temporary. Tell them you are not capable of such a thing mentally, physicially, emotionally or intellectually. Don't let them convince you "We will help; we can get you help; we can work out help". They cannot and will not and want them simply off their hands.
Tell all callers that you cannot function for them from where you are and couldn't if you were there and that they need to get social workers busy on state guardianship and protection for them.
My parents did nothing as my moms dementia advanced. Now she's finally in a care facility but it isn't great. Yesterday my 97 yr old dad apparently slipped and fell in the garage and lay there for so long his body temp was 80 degrees. The neighbor found him and called 911. Now he's in ICU.
I've got the facility calling me to tell me my mom is biting people (and then they realized she had a UTI). I've got the dr calling me with updates about my dad- who has no DNR in place so now it's on me to make the decisions.
I am over this. I don't want to deal with this anymore. They put off any plan for their years and now it's another crap pile for me. I am still working full time and am not able to just keep flying back and forth to them.
What are my options?
I remember a distinct moment that occurred about six months into caregiving where, in a conversation, I said to my older bro, "I am so unhappy here (at grandma's house)." I wanted to help my dad and grandma, but I was breaking. My mental and physical health were in a nose dive.
He angrily and sarcastically hissed at me, "Then LEAVE." He pretended the situation was simple even though it was far from that. He did not want to sympathize, which was all I was asking for, begging for, at that moment. I said nothing else to him after that. I knew in that moment he would be the opposite of supportive while I worked hard on family's behalf, work he KNEW was helpful and necessary to straighten out a messy situation, but he couldn't be bothered to say a kind word.
I was broken, crying to my bro, wanting to be hugged and supported... and that was it—that's all I wanted. I got the opposite. It's one of those moments that clearly showed me my family's willingness to kick me when I'm down. Sigh.
My relationships with family are forever altered after caregiving. You can't unsee it.
Take care of yourselves, caregivers, because too often, no one else is going to. Big (((((hugs))))).
“Be the bigger person.”
That’s just (usually) a euphemism for “shut up and take the abuse because the rest of us are comfortable”.
I would call APS. If you have received an eviction notice I have to tell you that we have seen that happen VERY OFTEN here on this page. Unfortunately people do give up their home, their job, their family and move in to care with an elder, and then when the elder is moved to care or dies, there is no home, no job, no job history and often no savings because the person neglected to get a care contract and POA done by an attorney and to save this money.
Sadly I am afraid that you may be down to a shelter. Then a job and saving until you can afford a room. You have years in service as a caregiver. Consider a facility that gives care or hiring on through care.com or Visiting Angels or others.
This is very sad, but poor decision making over some years has led to dire circumstances that mean starting at the bottom. Call APS to see if they can iron out the circumstances around who is POA, your history of caregiving and your current eviction. I am so very sorry for all you are going through.
If patient is unable to sign a POA but can UNDERSTAND it on lawyer examination she can "make her mark " before that attorney who is likely also a notary.
If your mother is no longer able to understand and sign POA over to someone then APS should be called; they can often get emergency temporary guardianship.
If you have a 95 y/o mother who has been awful all this time, and are thinking now to address this, I would say placement in care is likely the answer, with infrequent visits. There is some reason that you have put off this removing yourself from someone abusive for your entire lifetime. Only you can know the reason/s and only you can change your life. Sure do wish you the best and sure am sorry to hear your pain.
Most regular posters are problem solvers – show them a problem and their reaction is to work out the options. Quite obviously, there is no obligation involved. If you just want solidarity, you can talk to yourself – or perhaps to God.
Amen . 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. This site is not just for solidarity in misery. Nor is it to be patronizing towards those of us who have learned from “ the buzz words “.
We can look after our parents without giving up our entire lives to be their entertainment or to make them happy . No one should give up a career opportunity or coffee out with friends to be a constant companion ( surrogate husband ) for their mother . And if someone gives up their own life in this way , that person is choosing to do that . Many of us have BTDT and learned .
It’s also interesting how when this is suggested , the complaints get dialed back in subsequent posts , along with defending the manipulative parent . Seen this here before as well .
I made the mistake of trying to help someone in a bad situation. Sometimes making that mistake , changes someone’s life for the better .
You are experiencing the consequences of putting someone else's welfare ahead of your own, It rarely seems to work well.
Why on earth did you give up your job, your place of residence and your higher education classes to move in with your mom and care for her? Now you are facing a very precarious situation.
If I were you, I would put aside the family dysfunction and do what I had to to reestablish myself. Concentrate on your needs, put them first ,and get yourself set up again with a job, and build your life back up.
Find out what housing alternatives there are for the short term - a shelter if need be to begin with, where they will help you get your life back.
Wishing you all the best.
Exsister - I have seen many reasons for people to be here, not just for solidarity, but for support to keep boundaries, to learn other ways to deal with a situation, to learn about resources available for caring for the aging and more.
Like nacy - I came for support to maintain the boundaries I had established so mother's life did not take over mine. I learned that you can't make anyone else happy - their happiness is on them, not on you. Your happiness and welfare is on you.
I learned that my welfare and needs were certainly as important as those of the person I cared for.
Like way, I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who groomed me to be her servant child. Any woman who depends that much on her adult child is not mentally healthy. It took much work for me to grow away from that role and give my needs priority in a healthy fashion.
I agree it's not either/or though there are times to turn one's back on a toxic relationship. I hung in there as mother's POA seeing that her needs were met - needs being proper care in all ways - but maintained my own life as well. I was not her entertainment. Whether she liked it or not was immaterial. I didn't like many things she did either. I couldn't let her unhealthy "wants" govern my life. She would have had me "on a string" doing everything she wanted. Even as a child she was jealous of my friends. This was not healthy for her or for me, and catering to her would have been enabling her and preventing me from living my life.
So, no, it is not simple. But there are times when "dysfunction" screams at us, and we feel the need to comment on it, because, in many cases we have BTDT, and know we have found a better way.
Wishing you all the best as you try to make your mother happy. Wishing you all the best for the future regarding your home, as I gather that is far from secure. If I were in your situation, I would be spending my time and energy working on making my own situation better in the present and also for the times that are coming as I aged. Your life does not have to take second place to your mother's.
any advice for me out there???
I never said walk away . But you do not have to be fused at the hip . You should be able to go out for coffee with a friend.
I was not trying to be patronizing or facetious at all .
I’m sorry that you are suffering from FOG.
Fear , Obligation, Guilt .( This can be read up on too ) . I’ll leave you alone to be in this situation .
Have you spoken to a therapist about your situation ?
A therapist could help you with the codependency between you and your mother .
You could leave her, go out see friends , ( or yes move out ) , but you think you can’t . Your mother is mentally ill for not even thinking that you should have time out with your friends . You are enabling this behavior .
You tell her “ Mom I’m going out for coffee with a friend , be back later”, and leave . It IS that simple . The fact that you feel you can’t do that is not normal . Stop letting Mom control you .
I am a former servant to a narcissistic mother , who I let manipulate me . After mom dies, You will be angry with yourself for not standing up to Mom and regret letting your life go by . Learn the word “ No” to her unreasonable demands . So what if Mom gets upset . You deserve a life seperate from hers .
Google and read about Codependency .
However, with the time change, she wants to get everything started an hour earlier than normal because she'll have more energy, even though she has little to start with and what she eats before her showers does little to help her.
Stuff like that makes me cringe.
I mean, they don't change the times of football games, TV shows, or, in the case of Election Day, voting hours to accommodate those adjusting to falling back an hour.
“If you really loved me, you’d support my need to be a self-involved jerk!”
is an inside job.
Distancing myself from jerks.
1) You are “an optimist by nature so I look at the positives and inwardly celebrate small wins”. Unfortunately, being a bit too positive can hide the reality from you. Reality is not at all positive and you are compromising your own life. She’s 84, she can easily live another 10 or more years.
2) She “doesn't make sense but this is what she seems to believe”. Either she is already ‘mentally ill’, or she is faking – ie this is a deliberate trap to keep you focused on HER. Whichever it is, you shouldn’t go along with it. It is ruining your life now, and will until you stop.
3) “If I move far away she will lose her mind”. Rubbish. She can look after herself. Right now, enslaving you is her best option. If that no longer works, she will sort out something else. She is “84, healthy, sound mind” and “independent... by any measurable standard”. You are being taken for a sucker.
Start your own thread – you have a lot to work through. Love, Margaret