I’m asking about this because I feel as though I ‘lost’ myself during my caregiver journey. It finally ended for me in November, but I am still processing the last 10 years of being a primary caregiver to my mother.
I recently attended a social event with old friends, and did a good job of pretending to be outwardly normal; inwardly, I still feel like a shell of myself. I didn’t talk about the caregiving much—nobody really wants to hear about it, and people who have never been caregivers don’t really understand its impacts anyway.
And I'll never be as confident or carefree as I used to be. Ever again. Regardless of what comes -- if I won the lottery tomorrow, jet setted off to Monaco, met a handsome prince, and fell madly in love -- I still can't undo the deep changes to my psyche. Nor would I, which is good since it's a moot point.
It's not so much I'm a shell of my former self; I'm just different. It's a new normal now, and I think that's true for anyone who goes through something traumatic that lasts for years.
That's not to say that caregiving is inherently traumatic. We all come to the table with different personalities and abilities, and so do our loved ones. But for some caregivers, it will be a life-altering time: before and after caregiving. That's how it is for me.
Remember this: Stress studies are done on caregivers. It's a HIGHLY stressful thing, so take good care of yourself during and after.
You can do,
or be,
free now.
You have to learn to be an individual again . A caregiver is tied to another person’s life . You need to be intentional about what you want to do . What you missed doing , what new things you want to do . It will get easier .
Yes , caregiving changed me . I learned how to set boundaries , late better than never. I learned and will hopefully remember as I age to be very aware of how my decline affects my children. I do not want to be a selfish , demanding, uncooperative , elderly woman and stress out my children .
Caregiving for family killed my nursing career . I left it at only 55 years old , impacting my retirement savings . I regret that . I should have set more boundaries . My parents had money but would not allow strangers in the home to care for them .
Finally , I fear I will have less patience should my husband need caregiving . I feel my caregiver tank is forever empty .
For whom? For what reason?
As to were you changed? Of course. The one person I had been able to depend upon my entire life had died. I had been forced into learning a whole lot more than I ever wanted to know about POA and about Trustee of Trust and Executor of Estate. I was more anxious and more fearful of the sheer unpredictability.
And in so many ways.
We have many roles in life. They are always changing and we are always losing some and adding others. Now you are in a new role and that will change you as well.
All of this is called normal. This is life. You are not the girl you were when you went to prom. You are someone else. But there are still memories and vestiges of that girl within you.
Take are, Danielle. Try to do things that bring a zen to your mind. Refinish the floors or collage or paint or make earrings. Learn to knit or make quilts. Start a grieving group.
Caregiving is still fresh for you, the wounds and experiences a bit raw. With time you will move forward and heal. I wish you peace
From the sublime to the ridiculous, I’ve started knitting again, after about 60 years! Not something I ever dreamed I would yearn to do, but it works for me now.
I got away from caregiving until my daughter got sick some years later. A few years later, my husband. So, there was no getting away from this for the long term.
Fast forward, I work as a home health aide post retirement. Clients are selfish and do not think of their aides as having a life outside of their caregiving duties. The way they tell it, we work for them even though we are employed through an agency. So, we are treated like servants or hired hands until word gets back to the agency what these people are doing. The clients I've gotten so fat don't need personal care and are looking for maid service.
For me, it's keeping my boundaries in place and reminding these people that I'm there for their personal care.
I have this problem when I answer using my cell phone instead of using my laptop.