I am mid 70's and have always cherished the ones that I have loved and held on to the memories and items that is a reminder of them. Why is it so very difficult for me to get past a loss? It took many years for me to get over my Grandmother's passing. But, I still drive by her old homestead and it makes me so sad. Now, my parents are gone, and it has been 10 years, and I sit and look at my childhood home when I visit my home town. I want to go inside and retrace the steps, but the new owners don't encourage an invitation. I didn't have the money to buy it and it was divided by the other siblings, so not much money left. I drove by the last time I as in town and the old home was remodeled on the outside and it was like my parents died all over again. Why is it so difficult for me to let go of others and even their belongings. I just lost one of my brothers and now I feel like the family tree is wilting away and it is just so hard for me. Others mourn, and move on. I have never been able to. I loved our family connection, the home that my parents worked so hard to own, and the beautiful family we had. My siblings are now all everywhere and don't have that need to be connected. I wish I was more disconnected and colder hearted. What do you think about me after reading this? Thank you.
You aren't being cold-hearted - you had good memories - many do not. Older relative died years ago and every time we visited that part of the family, we all had to troop out to the cemetery and stand there while his siblings cried and carried on as if he had just died. Best I can figure, he died in the 1940's.
I no longer go past my parents home - yes I want to - not to see it but because I was good friends with lady next door - I miss her - but I don't because new owner has trashed the place.
I am the only one left in this immediate family...still working through remaining piles of estate papers. I have to find other things or interests to redirect my time....finding something worthwhile so I hopefully can make a difference. Sounds like that may be where you struggle....what appeals to you? Can you find a volunteer activity - not something that relatives did, but something different - make it yours? Might give you a much needed big dose of self-confidence. And please write back in a few weeks and let us know how life HAS improved for you - it can and will if you just do it. Don't be afraid to get help if needed.
I think that you are very loving.
I think that you are very kind.
I think that you may be hurting yourself through love, which is very sad.
Our loved ones are not a house or a cutglass punch bowl or a photo album. Those things are reminders of their lives, and their treasures.
Oh, how mom loved that garden.
Oh, how dad, in his 90s could STILL lean over and plant those green onion starters. It like scared me to death!
Oh, how Edna loved solitaire, and how great her fruitcake was.
Oh, remember how Helen taught us to give our hair 100 strokes and ALWAYS place the comb inside the brush!
Oh, look at those pines. Dad planted those when they were 10 inches high and now I can't even see the top. I hope the people living there now love it as he did.
I remember my dear brother here EVERY SINGLE DAY I post. I tell stories of him. Full of love and joy and pride. I remember how lucky I was/am to have/had them ALL.
The ways in which we do things are mostly habit. Our brains love habit and are very susceptible to the ways we think forming well-trod paths through our minds. Some times we need help to be reminded that a precious life is precious, beautiful, a treasure that has nothing to do with stuff. Or even places (tho to my bro, his homes were almost sentient beings, and they became so to me).
We're all different. We all grieve in different ways. And if your grief is causing you pain I KNOW that YOU know that is not what your loved ones would want.
If there is pain, do know that the DSM-5 now considers Complicated Grieving a diagnosis. A trained therapist can help you find happier ways of remembering the joy of having had your loved ones.
I wish you the best. I want the great love you shared to be restorative, something that leads you to joy, to love, to returning good to the world. You will find your way. I believe that. Remember that a live is stuffed with joy and with sorry. None of it resides in the cutglass punch bowl. It's all packed tight into you, yourself; let it be nourishing and restorative.
Driving past your childhood home is a bad idea when you know it's going to upset you! Why do it? Instead, focus on enjoyable activities that celebrate your life. Try it out. Also volunteer at a children's hospital and bring some joy to children with cancer who's days are numbered. Giving back brings you a new purpose in life and fulfillment in the process.
I recommend a book by Eckhart Tolle called The Power of Now. He will help you learn how to live in the moment which is the greatest gift a person can have.
Best of luck to you.
It's very difficult. Have you reached out to a therapist to talk? He or she may be a big help in helping you accept what has happened and to move on. Did you at least take one or 2 things from the home before sold? Know that since it has been remodeled it is not the same home that you knew and love, but a home for the new owners to hopefully make some memories of their own.
Seeing that it has been remodeled is a sign to start letting go and to not drive by there anymore; this is a way to let you know it is okay to move on. You do have the memories which can't be taken away from you.
Prayers and Blessings to you. Hang in there, it will get better :}
I will share one of my favorite sayings that someone shared on this forum a while back . It says... "Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love."
Now if you read that saying you noticed that it said that grief is a passage and not a place to stay. You are choosing to stay in your grief for some reason instead of moving through it.
Perhaps a grief support group may help you unpack all that. Grief Share is a free grief support group that meets in pretty much every city in the U.S. so I would recommend checking them out.
It's great that you had/have a family that you love/loved, but those that have gone on before you would not want you staying stuck in your grief for them but would instead want you living and enjoying your life to the best of your ability.
What better way to honor them than to live your life to the fullest?
That is my prayer for you. God bless you.
I avoid going past my parent’s last house .
Do you have friends nearby , an active social life ? This would help .