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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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This Psychology Today article and advice will sound familiar to readers of this forum. Codependency and setting boundaries. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/my-side-the-couch/202103/coping-the-aging-parent-borderline-personality-disorder
My experience - for what its worth - with my FIL - who we strongly believe had NPD, was a severe dependency on and expectation of his adult children to give up everything to ensure that he was taken care of.
My FIL was raised by a terribly abusive alcoholic father and a mother who struggled with her mental health severely (to the point where his grandmother came in to help take care of the family). His father treated him as if he was worthless, and his mother treated him as if he was the second coming of Christ. It is my believe that the combination of those two polar opposite treatments contributed to the NPD early on.
For many years my MIL stood in the gap and covered a lot up. And my DH and his sister, out of self preservation, blocked A LOT of memories. It wasn't until MIL passed away that our reality showed itself.
My FIL was a terrible person. There is no other way to say it. He was entitled, racist, chauvinistic, mean, abusive - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Once they were old enough to cause problems for him - the physical abuse stopped but the emotional and mental abuse and manipulation continued. As his dementia advanced - the physical abuse tried to come back and he certainly tried to take swings at my DH.
My FIL fully believed that all people were put on earth to make sure his needs were met. He would recall stories where people "wronged" him and honestly - they did NOTHING wrong, but his perception was that they intentionally insulted him or denied him something he believed he was owed.
He genuinely believed that my SIL and DH (and honestly my BIL and myself as well) OWED him fealty and life long care. It didn't matter that he wasn't my father. Because I married his son and came into his orbit - it was my responsibility to take care of him. BUT ironically - he didn't like me - because he was not used to people not bowing down to him and also told my DH that he had to leave me (and our kids) and come take care of him. It was his "duty". And also that he needed to "get his wife in line".
Something we pointed out to him was that he put his own mother in a SNF and never looked back. He rarely visited. He was not engaged in her care. And she was there - paid by Medicaid - for over 15 years. He never felt any obligation to take care of her - even though she revered him and treated him like a god.
He was a nasty piece of work - spent all of those years manipulating my DH and SIL mentally so that they had no fight left in them when he decided to drop the bomb that they were 'required' to ensure that he stayed at home until he died.
He had no remorse for hurting his children, he had no remorse for how he treated his grands but pointed out all the time that THEY didn't reach out (he ignored them their entire lives). He didn't mourn his wife, quite literally days after she died we found him on dating sites.
His favorite thing to say was "The phone works both ways" - but he never called people unless he needed something. Or he wanted to complain.
He did not care what other people needed, because to him they didn't have needs. He lied each and every time it suited his narrative. He would look you in the eye and lie to you.
Narcissistic abuse is very difficult to recover from. My DH and his sis struggle every day with their mental health.
And my FIL experienced what I believe was narcissistic collapse when we moved him to SNF - he no longer had a circle to manipulate and you could tell that the dementia just made it all worse.
This may sound heartless - but I have felt nothing but relief since he passed away. The rest of the family shares the sentiment. But my DH and SIL are conflicted over that every day and feel guilty for feeling that way.
Snoopy, this is very true what you quoted, all of it. I'm certain my mother had BPD which is why I told her up front there would be NO cohabitating in their old age. IL AL and then MC was the route, and I'm very grateful they had the $$ (miraculously) to finance it. Living with BPD person once is wayyyyyyy more than enough.
“Individuals with symptoms of borderline personality disorder tend to develop codependent relationships with their children beginning in early childhood. They seek consistent emotional validation while maximizing their reliance on their children in daily life as a way of demonstrating their worth. They don’t seek independence because they experience other people not doing for them as abandonment and hence reinforcement of their worthlessness.
“Adult children of parents with symptoms of BPD dread signs of physical and emotional decline in their parents because they know that their parent will not struggle to maintain independence. Rather the parent will expect their child(ren) to take care of them. And to do it cheerfully.”
Very familiar from the posts we read on this forum, unfortunately.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My FIL was raised by a terribly abusive alcoholic father and a mother who struggled with her mental health severely (to the point where his grandmother came in to help take care of the family). His father treated him as if he was worthless, and his mother treated him as if he was the second coming of Christ. It is my believe that the combination of those two polar opposite treatments contributed to the NPD early on.
For many years my MIL stood in the gap and covered a lot up. And my DH and his sister, out of self preservation, blocked A LOT of memories. It wasn't until MIL passed away that our reality showed itself.
My FIL was a terrible person. There is no other way to say it. He was entitled, racist, chauvinistic, mean, abusive - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Once they were old enough to cause problems for him - the physical abuse stopped but the emotional and mental abuse and manipulation continued. As his dementia advanced - the physical abuse tried to come back and he certainly tried to take swings at my DH.
My FIL fully believed that all people were put on earth to make sure his needs were met. He would recall stories where people "wronged" him and honestly - they did NOTHING wrong, but his perception was that they intentionally insulted him or denied him something he believed he was owed.
He genuinely believed that my SIL and DH (and honestly my BIL and myself as well) OWED him fealty and life long care. It didn't matter that he wasn't my father. Because I married his son and came into his orbit - it was my responsibility to take care of him. BUT ironically - he didn't like me - because he was not used to people not bowing down to him and also told my DH that he had to leave me (and our kids) and come take care of him. It was his "duty". And also that he needed to "get his wife in line".
Something we pointed out to him was that he put his own mother in a SNF and never looked back. He rarely visited. He was not engaged in her care. And she was there - paid by Medicaid - for over 15 years. He never felt any obligation to take care of her - even though she revered him and treated him like a god.
He was a nasty piece of work - spent all of those years manipulating my DH and SIL mentally so that they had no fight left in them when he decided to drop the bomb that they were 'required' to ensure that he stayed at home until he died.
He had no remorse for hurting his children, he had no remorse for how he treated his grands but pointed out all the time that THEY didn't reach out (he ignored them their entire lives). He didn't mourn his wife, quite literally days after she died we found him on dating sites.
His favorite thing to say was "The phone works both ways" - but he never called people unless he needed something. Or he wanted to complain.
He did not care what other people needed, because to him they didn't have needs. He lied each and every time it suited his narrative. He would look you in the eye and lie to you.
Narcissistic abuse is very difficult to recover from. My DH and his sis struggle every day with their mental health.
And my FIL experienced what I believe was narcissistic collapse when we moved him to SNF - he no longer had a circle to manipulate and you could tell that the dementia just made it all worse.
This may sound heartless - but I have felt nothing but relief since he passed away. The rest of the family shares the sentiment. But my DH and SIL are conflicted over that every day and feel guilty for feeling that way.
“Adult children of parents with symptoms of BPD dread signs of physical and emotional decline in their parents because they know that their parent will not struggle to maintain independence. Rather the parent will expect their child(ren) to take care of them. And to do it cheerfully.”
Very familiar from the posts we read on this forum, unfortunately.