Mom said she regrets getting a pacemaker.

It could be that your Mom is just not quite feeling as chipper as you think she is.

Personally, after seeing what my Mom went through in the last 3 years of her life (she died at 101.5 years), I don't want to live that long either.

My Mom was very aware of not being able to remember, the way people assumed she could not hear or understand, she could no longer track the words with TV, she could not hear well. She didn't want to sit around all day and watch TV, she could no longer cook for herself. She was completely dependent upon others for transportation and push her around in her wheelchair. She couldn't be left alone because she was a fall risk. A lot of that independence was taken away as her brain was diseased with dementia.

Yup, I don't want to live that life either.

However, I don't know how close you are to her. Go visit her, go take her out of the house, go on long rides, let her sleep in the car, let her go along with you on your errands, take her to McDonalds or whatever restaurant she would like. That is what will make her days more interesting. My Mom and I took a cruise to Iceland when she was 97 years old. She was able to roam all over the ship by herself (because the porters were always around), and I encouraged her to use her walker and walk at the ports of call. She really enjoyed that trip....and then she fell hard....and that was beginning of the end of her independence. Even in her dementia, she retained some of those memories and it sustained her until her final days.

I wished my 94 y/o mother did not get a pacemaker but my father as her next of kin made the decision that she should have one. I am not sure my mother would have wanted one but she was unconscious and near death in the CICU and did not have a health proxy and my feeble minded 94 y/o father reversed her DNR and insisted she have the pacemaker implanted.

She lived on two extra years with it and she was in a wheelchair, incontinent, had debilitating arthritis, had significant hearing loss and was a mental mess. She was miserable and made everyone else around her miserable too.

In the end she died from heart failure. The pacemaker did not have to be turned off.

It would have been nice if she could have found some joy in living during those bonus years but she didn't.

My mom said she didn’t want a pacemaker and she should just die naturally. I told her don’t be ridiculous! It’s isn’t an invasive procedure like open heart surgery! I really made a big deal out of the foolishness of not doing such a simple thing to improve her life. She got it done and when it finally wore out a decade plus later, she got another and went out to lunch a few hours after it was installed. She’s 95 and still runs circles around me.

ShirleyDot: Perhaps her cardiologist can weigh in on the subject.

You write: "For the past 6 years, I've dealt with her unhappiness, complaining about this and that, acting like a selfish, self-centered child, and generally being difficult for me to deal with..."

It is understandable that you'd feel this way although with her brain changing (and perhaps years of narcissistic personality tendencies/disorder), it will support you to 'step out' of the scenario long enough to separate her and her words - through or by you considering compassion (towards her).

* This exercise isn't for her, it is for you - to feel a sense of shifting out of the automatic 'hurt' you feel when she presents / communicates as she does ... and being unable to consider your own health issues/challenges.

* If shifting into compassion for her is a stretch, at these moments, give yourself some compassion ... from your own internal mother inside you - speaking to the person here now. (I learned how to be-come my own mother to myself in my 40s - as my mother didn't have the ability to provide me what a child needed - as she didn't get it ... so the chain of events continues until someone decides to stop that pattern of behavior).

On another note,
* I am a firm believer in the quality of life vs staying alive or doing what could help an older (or not) person stay alive, while they are miserable.
- While it is hard to do, if it were my mother, I would honor her wishes - for her, even if it hurt me knowing she wouldn't be here any longer.

More practically speaking
* Is your mom of sound mind wherein she makes her own health decisions? What legal documents do you have (giving you the right to make these kinds of decisions?)
* Can you or your mother 'direct' medical staff to NOT put in a new battery? Medical rules may dictate that they have to - I would ask them, which would / could ease your feelings - put the decision in the hands of the medical providers / rules.

And, she could go 'back and forth' with how she feels about being alive / enjoying life / wanting to be here.
* If her moods changes / waivers, I would consider talking to MD about meditation to keep her more 'even' / calm.
* And/or you could simply (not so simple I know) observe her ebb and flow of moods and decisions.

* You could tell her that it isn't up to YOU to not have the batteries replaced. This would somewhat get you off the hook - in her eyes - and lessen the burden / the heaviness of the / her request.

We cannot anticipate how we will feel when a loved one dies, perhaps especially a mother. Listen to your gut. Watch / observe her and see how she is doing / feeling. Decide whether you want to honor her wishes or keep her here longer for you and your family. Personally, if I had even 1% concern for feeling 'awful' if I could change the batteries and didn't ... and had to live with that for the rest of my life, I (may not ... ) wouldn't do it.

Grief / grieving is hard enough w/o adding that mental anguish to it. Although, I would hope to be mindful enough to know that by doing what my mom would want, that my decision was done with love, and not focused on my own feelings / needs. This is the truest, purist form of loving compassion (to me).

Gena / Touch Matters

on the technical side - healthcare can give a magnet that can rest over the heart and prevent the pacemaker from kicking in basically. Maybe she should speak to her doctor and he discuss if thats what she really wants or if shes just fed up and having a feel sorry for me moment. Maybe she needs a new light hobby - easy crosswords - something easy that maybe she had an interest in before. Maybe where she is she sees others decline and its making her feel i dont want to be like that.
Sounds like the pressures have caught up with you. Holiday break time. She needs an interest/purpose i think,

I know that has to hurt hearing that your mom doesn't want to continue living. It goes against everything we know. Most of us try to live, right? I have a friend whose husband had a pacemaker for many, many years and he was so tired of dealing with his heart issues and he finally said I don't want any more life saving efforts to be done for me and his doctor said well the pacemaker is a life saving measure, do you want it shut off? He said yes, and he passed within two weeks of making that decision. My friend was at peace with it, because that is what her husband wanted. I found it odd at the time, but I didn't live with him for all of those years and watch him struggle and not feel well. If your mom feels like she has lived her life and doesn't want to continue, letting her do this might be the best gift you could give her. Knowing this... it gives you time to make the most of what time she has left. Say what you want to say. Take her somewhere she has always wanted to go, etc.

It sounds as though she is appreciating life. My dad decided he only wanted pain meds for his arthritis and stopped all other meds. He was cheerfully asking “am I dead yet” every morning for 3 weeks until the last 3 days where his body began to shut down. It was hard but he was ready.

Bless you for your devotion to her.. The ability to pump oxygenated blood to her brain and healthy social stimulation can do a wonder of good for a person. It sounds at this time that she is able to make her own decisions and her request is not unreasonable. However it is heartbreaking for the people who love her.

Pacemakers can be turned off when they no longer coincide with the goals of care. Allowing for natural death is perfectly acceptable. More and more of my physician friends who work in critical care wish that more patients would decline futile care that only prolongs death. Enjoy the time you have left with her knowing that she's made her wishes clear to you so that you can make the right choices if the time comes.

Hoping this is taken in the spirit it’s intended. Ever really look at the photos and videos of most people at those 100th birthday celebrations? They’re surrounded by balloons, cake, thrilled appearing family members, while the birthday man or woman usually looks just miserable. Not sure it’s what any of us want. I’ve related here before, my sweet grandmother was often asked if she wanted to live to 100, and she’s always reply “I sure hope not”
I’m glad you’re getting this good time with your mom

Well, my dh got his pacer in 2019, and as of last week, it's got 8 more years of life left on the battery. That's with 100% usage 100% of the time in the lower chamber of his heart.

The odds are strongly against your mom living to 100, with or without a pacemaker. If she is wanting to turn her pacer off, that can be done too. I guarantee you the answer will be No if you asked her such a question. I found my mother was chronically "wishing to die" until something hurt her or scared her. Then she was willing to have 911 called to save her life, over and over and over again.

I'd take moms words with a grain of salt if I were you.

Thanks for all of your comments. I am glad that she is acting more settled, appreciating what she has (her little AL apartment), and finally acting more like a mom to me than she has in years. I guess the sad part is that it has been a miserable 6 years until now and I've had a recent glimpse of the old mom who was the fun parent that you could just hang out with, eat out, go shopping, stay up late watching sci-fi or horror movies with. I've been missing that mom for probably 20+ years, frankly, but especially since my dad died and I've had to be the responsible one managing everything, and being treated like the bad guy, never a daughter. But I'm really glad we had the conversation because it will help me feel more confident in making choices for her when the next health crisis hits. I'm really going to try to avoid anymore interventions that will cause her pain or discomfort as much as possible, and, I hope, keep her out of the hospital.

I think many elders when they are tired and ready to go look around at what might be keeping them going. As others have already said, the PM won’t keep her alive.
My mom felt the same away according to my son. She never mentioned it to me but would tell him she wished she hadn’t gotten it. I assumed she just wanted to vent a bit and didn’t want me to suggest antidepressants which she refused to take.
For what it’s worth, my aunt with advanced Parkinson’s had her battery replaced when it was time. Her doctor gave her the pros and cons and she chose to live as comfortably as she could until she died.
‘If a pacemaker would keep us all alive there would be many lining up to get one. Just not the case.

Pacemakers don't prolong life. My GFs father had one and passed at 83. When the heart gives out it gives out.

ShirleyDot,
I wonder if your Mom isn't doing a bit better and isn't more accepting because she now has folks who feel a bit as she does, kind of ready to go, and meanwhile with not a lot left but to discuss how they feel. My brother used to joke that they were all quite happy and comfortable sitting out under the gazebo discussing one another's woes and watching the ambulances and hearses come and go.
I would reassure your mom that her pacemaker really isn't going to prolong her life appreciably but is there to make it more COMFORTABLE and to keep her out of the clutches of the doctors so much while she must live on. Don't negate her feelings. It is great when they can be more ready to go and can wish to speak of that. Often elders aren't comfortable speaking with family honestly about that, and are left to discuss it with their nurse, a stranger. Let mom know the pacer is managing the heartbeat, keeping it from being so slow or so irratic that she feels exhausted, is more prone to strokes and etc. It won't make her heart younger. Like all pumps, eventually it will fail.
Glad that things are on a more even keep for you mom. Best out to you.

Why is the fact that your clear headed mom at the age of 90, decided that she doesn't want her pacemaker battery replaced when it runs out "a sad turn?"
And who in their right mind would want to live to be 100 anyway? Not anyone I know.
Just be grateful that you can now enjoy your time with your mom when you go visit, and that you can leave when you want, and that your mom wants to be able to leave this world on her terms not yours.