My husband is 73 with dementia. One year ago he went to a skilled nursing facility after 3 months in memory care. The memory care was preceded by 12 falls at home requiring fire department lift assist. He is 230 lbs. Currently he is sundowning 5-9 PM. On one second shift the nurse complains all the time about his behaviors and I know they are difficult. The other nurses just tell me that it is part of the disease (which I know). Tonight the nurse texted and said, "It was so bad after you left." So, I am wondering do I try and bring him home? He is safe and well cared for there. I cannot move him at 230 lbs. I cannot afford around the clock help. I get back injections 2-3 times a year now and I know that I will get hurt if I bring him home... but the guilt and worry that he will be asked to leave is overwhelming. Yes, there are all sorts of meds in place and new ones being tried for this. I am just having a very very low moment tonight and found this website. I couldn't believe how it was sent to me when I really needed some support. Thank you.
It would be different if the full staff was united in making recommendations to you and your were refusing the take corrective action or face the reality of the situation. But you are fully aware and working with them in good faith so she is out of line.
If the nurses at the fully-staffed care facility he's in are complaining about handling his difficult behaviors, you certainly would not be able to cope with them at home.
It is extremely unprofessional for a nurse to ever call a patient's spouse or family to complain about them. That is outrageous and if I were you I would report her to the Licensing Board because her nursing license should be suspended for that abusive, gaslighting behavior.
The care facility your husband is in collects a FORTUNE to meet his care needs. They need to do the job they are being paid to do.
The only time they should be contacting you about his behavior is if they want to try a medication and need your permission to do so. Or his behavior has resulted in him injuring himself or another resident. That is the only time. Please remember this, and do not attempt to remove from residential care and bring him home. Look for another facility if you aren't satisfied with the one he's currently in.
I totally agree! The nurse was out of line. The only calls I ever get are about changing medications or when he had to go the hospital.
Your husband's sundowning is not within your power to fix. With time, the professionals at the facility will find the correct cocktail of meds to give him some peace.
In the meantime, talk to the DON about the harassment you are experiencing from this staff member.
Go to the Director of Nursing and ask that unless its an emergency, you want no calls. Why complain to you when there is nothing you can do about it. If the DON does nothing, then the Administrator. Maybe this Nurse does not belong in this type of work.
They are now a fact of his life and yours.
You can certainly speak to the doctor about an adjustment in medications.
And if your visits are creating more problems for him than help, then I would cut them down.
I would speak intensively with the Admin. Call and tell him/her that you are getting reports that your visits are leaving hubby distressed and agitated.
Ask the admins to discuss with his caregivers this week their observations and their assessments as what would help in their opinions. Arrange a personal meeting then for one or two weeks, after said information gathering is done.
Do they think any of the following might help?
1. Medication adjustment by the doctor?
2. Change in visit patterns?
This is NOT about going backward.
You have moved forward because you HAD to, not because you wanted to, and your note to us states clearly behind the lines that you already knew the answer.
Did you simply want our reinforcement? Fine. You have it.
The answer to your question is:
" No. He cannot ever return home again".
NOT EVER.
This isn't a thing for guilt. You didn't cause and can't fix it. This is a thing with NO good answers, a thing about grief you cannot avoid no matter what you do. You cannot afford to mistakenly mix emotion with facts and practical needs now.
I am so dreadfully sorry. There are no good answers at the end of life with dementia. I am so sorry.
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