My mom (88) had a stroke 8 months ago. She has all her physical abilities back but has lingering cognitive issues. My dad (90) has been the main caregiver with daily help the first 4 months. Now it’s him. I don’t live that close and still work so I can only go by once a week. whenever my mom has an episode of forgetfulness or is in a bad mood my dad can’t handle it and says he is not the one to help. So I arranged for an agency to come in and evaluate the situation so we could get some help. But before the came any mom snapped out of her mood they told me they were busy and changed their mind about help. This has happened twice now. I have at least gotten them to the point where they are going to speak with a therapist because my dad gets angry and yells at my mom and then she tunes out and they don’t speak for a day or 2. I am now completely stressed out and dont know where to turn or what else to do. I am seeing them today and having my dad sign the paperwork for the therapist. Any suggestions on how else to deal with his would be so helpful!
You really cannot convince other people to do as you wish or as you think best for them.
The point at which you can intervene is when things are dangerous. APS can be called to evaluate and intervene legally, but here you are talking diagnosis, POA, and all those good things.
I would stop interfering. This is something that will come to what we call "the call" from either hospital, neighbor, coroner, that you WILL be able to deal with.
For now you really have no power. Save your strength for when you do. Good luck!
I am guessing if it is m om then dad goes along since it is "her" house.
I am 70+ and I do not think I could be a full time caregiver for someone. My guess is dad has a bit of burnout.
If you are doing ANYTHING to help them out you have to stop. If you are helping they are going to continue to rely on you and not "outside" help.
Would it help if their doctor "prescribed" a caregiver? that way the order is coming from a medical professional and my carry more weight than you saying they need help.
You might also tell them that if they do not have help and something happens to either on of them they may have to transition to Assisted Living rather than living at home.
Are you POA for them? If the need arose is this a decision you could make? If they are not safe at home without help AL might be the only safe alternative.
Medicare offers a free annual wellness exam. You can make this appointment for your Dad (you can tell him the therapist requires it) and they you take him personally to the exam. Have a pre-written note that you will discretely hand over to the nurse or doc. It will say who you are, and that the concerning symptoms and to please give him the memory/cognitive test. You may be able to request a more in-depth one, called a MoCA, which has 30 questions and measures executive function (judgment). You don't need to say anything to him about the outcome of any testing -- it's to help you gage whether he's really able to remain at home without a significant amount of help.
Have you checked to see if he's paying bills on time and is organized about it? Is he on any medication that is important for him to accurately and consistent take? Is there food spoiling in the fridge? These were all the signs of my MIL's memory impairment. She had to move to AL.
One behavior that comes with dementia is lack of empathy for others, even those closest to the person. They lose reason and logic, so convincing them of anything will be a waste of time because they literally cannot do it.
FYI his primary doctor can prescribe meds for depression after he's had a current physical. My Mom (95) went on the lowest dose of Lexapro and this helped her mood a lot. But he has to remember to take it (or any medication) and take the correct dosage as prescribed.
You may need to sit down with him and lay out the choices and the consequences for taking no action:
"Mom needs a patient caregiver, just like you'd want for yourself, Dad. It's obvious to me her care may be burning you out and I'm concerned for you both. I can't be here to help so for my own peace of mind you need to put some solutions in place:
- medications for depression, anxiety, agitation for Mom and you so you can cope.
- a companion aid for Mom to entertain her, help with her hygiene, and take her out of the house so you can have private time to recharge your batteries.
- help with yard work, maintenance and repairs.
- etc
Here's what happens if you don't put solutions in place:
- someone calls and reports your verbal abuse and the police or APS shows up and one of you gets taken out of your home.
- you stress me out with concern every day and make my life miserable to the point where I don't want to be involved. It doesn't mean I don't love you but I can only take so much. The solutions are for me as well as for you."
Something like that.