I’m63. My mom is 88. I’ma type 2 diabetic and have autoimmune issues. I’m very tired most days. Before mom came I knew what to do to care for myself. My brother had mom for years. She was self sufficient then. Now she can’t even make toast. I do everything. Apparently she can’t make it to the bathroom so she even has a commode that I empty daily. She also whimpers constantly. I think it's out of habit and wanting attention. I’m a very quiet person as I have found that noise can be too stressful. Her sleep schedule is completely different than ours. So I make my husband and I breakfast at 8:00 am, then I make her breakfast at 1:00 pm. I have to make the food that pleases her. I have no freedom out life now. I cry constantly alone in my room. Her medical needs are facilitating the fact she needs either assisted living or a retirement home. She manipulates by saying I want rid of her. I do not want that. I asked for help. I asked her to hire an aide and she refuses. I’m so stressed. I can’t breathe. Please help me see this differently. Peace, Carla
Point out that her constant whimpering and complaints are proof that she isn't happy with you, so she will have a better time in AL where there are staff members to meet her needs and other residents to socialize with and chef-prepared meals she can order from a menu.
If she tries to manipulate you by saying you want rid of her, tell her you want to be rid of the situation in which neither of you have your health needs adequately met, and that you are going to rectify the situation by finding her a nice safe place where her needs will be met.
And don't back down.
So it is time for some honesty isn't it.
That would look like this:
"Mom, _______(insert husband's name) and I have had a long talk. We would like now to live our lives on our own. I am sorry to have to tell you that DOES mean that you will now have to be moved into care. This hasn't worked for us, and it hasn't made you happy and hasn't let you thrive. We don't wish to continue.
We will help you now to find placement for yourself. We will contact ___________(oh, something like A Place for Mom, who by the by runs this site) to come interview you and see what care best fits your needs.
You are a grownup.
You are responsible for your choices.
Caring for Mom is a bad choice and it isn't making anyone happy.
I wish you the best of luck. This won't in any wise be easy, but it must now be done, and you have to have the courage to do it. You didn't cause aging and its problems, and you can't fix them. Throwing yourselves bodily on mom's burning funeral pyre isn't working. It almost never does, in all truth. There is no happy nice way to handle this. It calls to honesty and determination to care for yourself. None of us can do that for you, or we would. Had I a magic wand I would do it all for you in seconds. And everyone would be happy.
But that just isn't life.
Good luck. THe choices are yours.
My mother wouldn’t let hired help in the home either . That does not mean you have to be her servant .,
We don’t owe them ( hands on caregiving ) for taking care of us as children . That’s a parent’s obligation .
Stress also affects your sugar levels. Time to place Mom.
You need to start being honest now. The next time she manipulates you by saying you want to get rid of her, sit down with her immediately and tell her that yes, you do want to get rid of her. That the work is too much for you. That either she gets an aide (that she pays) or she goes to a facility. Tell her that you have already visited some that you're sure she'll like. Fan the brochures of the best three out across her lap, and then you leave the room.
"Oh. but she'll be so angry and I couldn't stand mom being angry at me!" If that's your first thought here, we know that this is another way she's been manipulating you all your life, which is why you got sucked into her quicksand in the first place. Don't blame yourself - you were probably age 3. She's groomed you for this.
She won't change, so you must, unless you want to go to an early grave, and then who would take care of mom? I'm sure you can handle this. You won't go straight to hell for being straight with mom. (But she might, for refusing to do anything to help you, her dear child, when you are sick and exhausted from trying to meet her impossible demands.)
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