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I’m63. My mom is 88. I’ma type 2 diabetic and have autoimmune issues. I’m very tired most days. Before mom came I knew what to do to care for myself. My brother had mom for years. She was self sufficient then. Now she can’t even make toast. I do everything. Apparently she can’t make it to the bathroom so she even has a commode that I empty daily. She also whimpers constantly. I think it's out of habit and wanting attention. I’m a very quiet person as I have found that noise can be too stressful. Her sleep schedule is completely different than ours. So I make my husband and I breakfast at 8:00 am, then I make her breakfast at 1:00 pm. I have to make the food that pleases her. I have no freedom out life now. I cry constantly alone in my room. Her medical needs are facilitating the fact she needs either assisted living or a retirement home. She manipulates by saying I want rid of her. I do not want that. I asked for help. I asked her to hire an aide and she refuses. I’m so stressed. I can’t breathe. Please help me see this differently. Peace, Carla

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It’s not her choice. Place her. You don’t have to do this.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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Multiple posts on this Forum validate that the elderly are so self-absorbed that they, for the most part, are incapable of empathy. People are living longer, which means you've got folks in their 90s being taken care of by adult children in their 50s and 60s and even 70s, with their OWN physical challenges. The elderly parent is completely blind to this. In their minds, we are always their youthful, healthy 'children.'
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waytomisery Mar 6, 2025
I’d like to add …..Some elderly also throw the “ you owe me “ card.
We don’t owe them ( hands on caregiving ) for taking care of us as children . That’s a parent’s obligation .
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You know she is manipulative, and you know she will keep on being that way. It's her way to get what she wants. Something tells me that there hasn't been enough honesty between you and mom for a long time.

You need to start being honest now. The next time she manipulates you by saying you want to get rid of her, sit down with her immediately and tell her that yes, you do want to get rid of her. That the work is too much for you. That either she gets an aide (that she pays) or she goes to a facility. Tell her that you have already visited some that you're sure she'll like. Fan the brochures of the best three out across her lap, and then you leave the room.

"Oh. but she'll be so angry and I couldn't stand mom being angry at me!" If that's your first thought here, we know that this is another way she's been manipulating you all your life, which is why you got sucked into her quicksand in the first place. Don't blame yourself - you were probably age 3. She's groomed you for this.

She won't change, so you must, unless you want to go to an early grave, and then who would take care of mom? I'm sure you can handle this. You won't go straight to hell for being straight with mom. (But she might, for refusing to do anything to help you, her dear child, when you are sick and exhausted from trying to meet her impossible demands.)
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Reply to Fawnby
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Why? Because mother is selfish and knows if she plays the guilt card and the helplessness card HARD enough, you'll cave as you always do, and she'll get to stay put with you as her care slave. FOG is real, fear obligation and guilt, and the perfect manipulation tactic for some folks to use on others to get their way. You are the perfect candidate for mother's FOG tactics, apparently, because she's still living with you in spite of your misery over it.

Check out this website Outofthefog.website for some useful tips on how to get out of this mess you're in and rid yourself of feeling any guilt in the process. Recognize what mother is doing, say ENOUGH, and get her placed so you can focus on your own health and wellbeing before it's too late. Mother's life and happiness should not come before your own.

Good luck realizing that.
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"research indicates that stress can significantly worsen autoimmune issues, as it can disrupt the immune system and potentially trigger flare-ups by causing inflammation and immune dysregulation; many patients report experiencing uncommon emotional stress before the onset of their autoimmune disease, creating a potential vicious cycle where the disease itself also causes stress."

Stress also affects your sugar levels. Time to place Mom.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Time for a facility. We also need a life and to take care of our health. I am 74 ..my mom’s 91. I choose a good LTC facility. My mom adjusted beautifully and likes the attention there. Win win. I feel no guilt..year 6 of Lewy Body Dementia. I am her POA and I visit frequently and spend quality time with her.
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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Home care or a facility, or you'll burn out quickly and into an early grave. Be adamant. Or just leave her be until she decides for herself.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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Nothing will change until you change it
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Don’t expect mom to agree to moving elsewhere or hiring in home help. You will have to state emphatically what’s going to happen and stand firm. Mom has gotten very used to having her way and won’t have any desire to give that up. Be united with your husband to put your well-being first
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Tell Mom that you can no longer provide the care that she needs and she must go to assisted living . Have your husband with you when you tell her.
My mother wouldn’t let hired help in the home either . That does not mean you have to be her servant .,
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Reply to waytomisery
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She's selfish isn't she?
So it is time for some honesty isn't it.
That would look like this:
"Mom, _______(insert husband's name) and I have had a long talk. We would like now to live our lives on our own. I am sorry to have to tell you that DOES mean that you will now have to be moved into care. This hasn't worked for us, and it hasn't made you happy and hasn't let you thrive. We don't wish to continue.
We will help you now to find placement for yourself. We will contact ___________(oh, something like A Place for Mom, who by the by runs this site) to come interview you and see what care best fits your needs.

You are a grownup.
You are responsible for your choices.
Caring for Mom is a bad choice and it isn't making anyone happy.
I wish you the best of luck. This won't in any wise be easy, but it must now be done, and you have to have the courage to do it. You didn't cause aging and its problems, and you can't fix them. Throwing yourselves bodily on mom's burning funeral pyre isn't working. It almost never does, in all truth. There is no happy nice way to handle this. It calls to honesty and determination to care for yourself. None of us can do that for you, or we would. Had I a magic wand I would do it all for you in seconds. And everyone would be happy.
But that just isn't life.
Good luck. THe choices are yours.
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acry4help Mar 4, 2025
You are so right. I need to be firm. I love my mom but it’s time.
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She's scared and doesn't know how to relate that to you, other than trying manipulation to keep things the same. For whatever reason, she's not learned to express her fears otherwise. If you can help her with that, good, but she most likely needs someone else to do that for you both. Would she be open to seeing a therapist or social worker? You could go with her or not. In home help and assisted living are scary ideas. They mean a change and she's having trouble facing that. But you cannot go on like this, so tell her again that things must change and all will be better. She can talk it through with someone else, if not you. Be firm with the fact of your own need to be out of this situation. You will still be there for her, just not her everything.
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acry4help Mar 4, 2025
I agree with you. She’s scared. Sensing that, I have suggested she should see someone to express her concerns to. She hasn’t responded yet. I keep hoping she agrees.
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It is written NOWHERE that we have to sacrifice our lives for our parents' lives. THEY HAVE ALREADY LIVED THEIR LIVES. You have a right to live yours with as much peace as possible.
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waytomisery Mar 4, 2025
This !!
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What you need to see differently is that you have every right to take care of your own life and health and to tell her she needs to move to assisted living, and then stand by it. Tell her she can help you pick out a place, and if she refuses, you will pick the place for her.

Point out that her constant whimpering and complaints are proof that she isn't happy with you, so she will have a better time in AL where there are staff members to meet her needs and other residents to socialize with and chef-prepared meals she can order from a menu.

If she tries to manipulate you by saying you want rid of her, tell her you want to be rid of the situation in which neither of you have your health needs adequately met, and that you are going to rectify the situation by finding her a nice safe place where her needs will be met.

And don't back down.
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acry4help Mar 4, 2025
I love this “If she tries to manipulate you by saying you want rid of her, tell her you want to be rid of the situation in which neither of you have your health needs adequately met, and that you are going to rectify the situation by finding her a nice safe place where her needs will be met.” That is really what this is all about.
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