I was my father's full time caregiver. I can't come to terms with his passing.
Hi everyone My name is Kelle. I'm 47 and have a son who is 17. My Mom passed away in 2020 right at the start of Covid. She died unexpectedly. Not from Covid. Her passing shattered me and my family. I then looked after my son and also my Dad who lives with us. Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2018. He was doing really well and the treatment was working. In early 2021, me and Dad both got Covid. Since he had it , he had gone downhill since. It started with him passing out and being taken to the ER where he was diagnosed with AFib. Then he started forgetting things here and there. Then, comes the UTI symptoms and prostate cancer symptoms again. He goes to the hospital where he finds out his cancer spread. It is now on his bladder and lymph nodes. To make a long story short (I apologize). Over the past two years it has been non stop ER visits for UTI, sepsis, strokes, advanced dementia and cancer. In August they informed me he also is in kidney failure. He wanted no parts of dialysis or transplant. So they told me to take him home and make him comfortable. Which I did. I was his full time caregiver. It broke and breaks my heart to see that strong wonderful man become a shell of what he was. He lost so much weight. Went from eating everything to nothing. Didn't want to drink and couldn't talk in the end. Even though he was declining over a period of time, the last 48 hours were the absolute worst. A week before he was talking, drinking, making sense then just absolutely nothing. I held his hand and kissed it and told him I loved him and he was the best Dad anyone could ever ask for. He looked at me and shook his head yes and mumbled I love you. He then reached up and smiled and I asked Dad , is Mommy here do you see her and he shook yes! I told him don't be scared you can go home with Mom she wants you with her. That was so hard to say because I wanted him too. I had to step out of the room for a few minutes. I went back and he was gone. I can't get over those last few moments. I didn't want him to be scared. I know he heard me when I told him what I did. And I can't get the vision out of my mind of going back and finding him. My heart is absolutely broken. I miss him and my mom so much. I wasn't there when Mom passed. Part of me wishes I wasn't when Dad did either but I didn't want him to be alone. Has anyone else been through this. I'm really thinking of grief counseling. As hard as it was being a caretaker full time I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I'm depressed, anxious, and really missing them. Thank you for listening. Any advice would be much appreciated
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You were fortunate to know dad saw mom waiting for his arrival as he was dying. Allow that knowledge to bring you peace in the fact that life after death exists, and they are reunited once again. As you will be too when it's your time.
I know how hard it is to watch the decline of once strong parents who we considered invincible. I cried many nights myself as I wondered how long my father would last in his deteriorated condition. Or my mother with advanced dementia and CHF. It's gut wrenching, and it's supposed to hurt. That's the price of love.
Please allow yourself some grace as you grieve. Seek out a grief therapist or support group if you feel very depressed or unable to cope after some time has passed.
My deepest condolences on your losses.
I think if you feel like talking to a grief counselor or maybe attending a grief support group (a cousin of mine is doing this, after a kind of similar series of events as you experienced, and told me she was really getting benefit from it), you absolutely should.
I hope you are comforted and encouraged by memories of the love you shared with your parents as you grieve their deaths.
Your father was blessed to have you with him when he was in his last hours. I was not there when either of my parents passed, and that added to my grief. Support groups can be wonderful, since talking to others who have gone thru similar circumstances can be validating and comforting.
We all grieve differently, and we all heal from the grief in different time frames. I cannot imagine losing both parents within a few years. Don't beat yourself up over still grieving. If you feel the need for counseling, then find a good grief counselor. If you belong to a church, pastoral counseling may help.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
My suggestion based on my own experience is to go on a trip with other people. Seeing new things, talking to strangers on the bus, will help you start your own life on a new note. That’s not to say that you should forget your parents or their deaths, but that you should go on and live your own life as best you can – and in their honor.
If hospice didn’t reach out to you (or if your dad didn’t receive hospice), you can find hospice groups (check with your hospitals) and ask them for help in getting grief support for yourself. Caregiving a loved one until death is a high calling and when you pour yourself into it as you did, it both blesses and wounds you at the same time. You’re left with such bittersweet experiences that tear your heart. Don’t rush through your grief. Give yourself time to feel. Get the support you need. Hugs.
Grief is the price that we pay because we have loved someone deeply, so I do hope that you'll seek out your local Grief Share groups that are free.
I cared for my late husband for many years and his dying process was quite traumatic for me, but now over 4 years later I seldom think about his actual death, but instead think about his life, and all that he meant to me.
That is my prayer for you, that you will replace any negative thoughts with all the many good thoughts that you have of your dad, and remember just how very blessed you were to have such a great dad, as many of us were not so fortunate.
May God bless you and keep you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
I as an RN have witnessed many deaths. I have few times heard of one so beautiful as your Dad's. He had his loving daughter and her support through everything, and he was with her until he felt his wife come for him. I can't imagine a person here who could wish for a death any better than that? Sure, we would all as soon skip the cancer, but I, having twice dealt with the big C. can tell you dealing with it is different than fearing it. Dealing with it is often easier than our fears of it.
You have had to stand witness. It is one of the hardest things in life. It is in some ways easier to endure things than to stand helpless witness to suffering and torment for those we love.
Other than to ask you to change out some of the ways you think about things, I have nothing to help you. To me your father's death seems to have been a blessing, a release, a coming of peace, a reuniting with his beloved, and was comforted by your presence with him; I can't imagine something more beautiful to be honest, for we are all heading to the same place. And to me you have so much to celebrate in that they had their long lives and had your love, and are at peace. But until you can FEEL some of that yourself, what I think matters not at all. So do get yourself help.
I will tell you that in the early time of missing my brother so much I couldn't imagine a life without him, it helped me to make a diary in which I wrote him letters. I would decorate them with collage. I would tell him simple things I remembered, or about things I missed, regretted, or about things I remembered of our laughter together. It helped me a lot.
Heart out to you. I thank you for sharing your father's passing with us.
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