My 94 year old father passed last February. My mom is 87 and has been in and out of the hospital with various health issues. It’s only me as her caregiver as my brother has taken the easy route out by just never being part of the family. My mom refuses to believe that she cannot live independently alone and refuses any help in the house. On top of it, she is brutally mean to me if I disagree with her on anything. I am the POA and have taken over all of her finances. She also has a dog and cat in the home that need to be cared for daily. I live 45 minutes away from her and make two trips a day to take care of the pets. The dog is a puppy mill momma who never fully adjusted so I cannot take her into my home with my pets. I am absolutely exhausted and broken. Mom is about to be moved from the hospital to a rehab and is fighting it tooth and nail. I am trying not to pull the POA card too hard. I am at my very rock bottom and want to just drive my car off the road on the daily. But, I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities to everyone else. There is no one else to navigate this with mom. My husband has been supportive but he is more concerned about my mental health. Note, I have never had mental health issues until now. The system is awful and there are no resources available for any kind of help. My life is consumed by doing what’s right for my mom and she still hates me because she says she just wants to go home and be left alone. No other alternative is acceptable to her. The last time she was discharged from rehab she refused the nurse, PT and OT to enter her home and 5 days later social services had to break down her door to get her out to be taken back to the hospital. Another issue is that when she is home she refuses to take her meds, clean herself, put the dishes in the dishwasher, eat or drink correctly and she leaves food sitting out all over the place. She also doesn’t let the dog out or clean the litter box. She urinates wherever she is sitting or standing and acts like it never happened despite me supplying her with pull ups which she doesn’t wear. The house smells awful. I’m really at my wits end and am afraid that I’m going to end my own life as a way to escape. There are no resources for someone like me. I found this site and am hoping that someone can relate and talk me off the ledge or share something that will help me cope. Sorry to be a burden. Thank you for any advice.
Then it's long past time that you pull the POA card, and let the rehab social worker and your moms doctors know that she CANNOT return home under any circumstances as she is now an unsafe discharge, and there is NO ONE to care for her as you can no longer do it because it's affecting your mental health and that you're feeling suicidal because of it.
You tell them that she now MUST be placed in the appropriate facility, no ifs ands or buts.
Keep using the phrase "unsafe discharge" until they get it in their thick skulls that you mean business and until your mom is placed.
And don't fall for the lies they will try and tell you about all the help they will provide if she were to go home as they ARE NOT true.
You matter too in this equation and you now MUST do what is best for you and your mental health, before it's too late.
So talk to the social worker today and get the ball rolling in finding the right facility for your mom.
You will now need to whip out that PoA card and use it bravely because she needs you to do this, even though she is (irrationally) fighting against what is best for her. You cannot allow a person with a broken brain to drive the bus. She'll drive it (and you) right off a cliff.
If she is cleared of a UTI I would talk to her doctor about meds for her agitation because she now cannot control herself like in the past. Then I would ignore anything brutal or negative she says to you, and just concentrate on getting her into rehab or a LTC facility.
As far as her pets go, I'd contact a vet and ask for guidance about who to call (fostering groups, no-kill animal shelters) for a quick solution. If her pets have ever been to a vet, I'd start with that one since they'd have a record of their care.
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work to find a solution that works for both of you.
In the meantime put her pets in a shelter. You cannot be making these lengthy drives to care for them and your mother cannot care for them. She will be angry but it is more humane for the pets to find new homes and more humane for you too not to be doing all that driving.
Try to do one nice thing for yourself each day because you matter too.
Tryto take each day as it comes and try not to look further than that. That’s what I try to do.
Your husband is right, your mental health is priority #1 here. Let him help you with the next steps. Placing your mom, cleaning then selling her house, making calls to find out where her animals can go.
Your mom can’t escape old age and death but you don’t have to and should not sacrifice yourself.
I would keep visits to your mom to the bare minimum. She can feel however she feels but you should not subject yourself to it. Facing reality (when she cannot) is helping her even if she is unable/ unwilling to ever acknowledge that. This is exactly what POA is for. Making decisions when they no longer can. It’s really hard. But it can be done.
best wishes to you.
This means I need to tag our admins to your note here.
Do know that 988 is the suicide hotline and they are there to non-judgmentally help you.
I am here to tell you that this is in no way sustainable.
Your mother is an uncooperative and almost certainly incompetent adult who is over and over again being unsafely discharged home. You are unable to act as her POA. This is a danger for her. And worse, a danger to you.
It's my opinion that at this time Mom needs the guardianship of the state.
She is currently in rehab and that's the ideal place to address all of this with Social Services. We are just strangers with opinions; they are on the ground there for you and can help you.
It is my humble opinion you should resign you POA legally with the help of an elder law attorney and turn your uncooperative and likely incompetent mother over to the care of the state who will manage her placement, finances, and settle all problems including the apparently out of control pets.
The attorney will help you to resign POA before the court; a Fiduciary will be appointed. You will turn all records over to that person and cooperate with their gathering all needs together. They will then be responsible for deciding diagnosis, prognosis, safety, placement, financial and all other issue without the added uncertainty and confusion.
You will be able to continue as visiting daughter, not as a caregiver uncertain how to act in her behalf. She may even end placed more near to you.
Contact rehab social workers regarding resignation as her POA and unsafe discharge home and contact APS for pointers in how to resign your POA.
Then have hubby help you choose an elder law attorney near Mom's area and begin what must be done for your own and you mom's safety.
This is no one's fault. This is about aging in America. You aren't God and you can't control it and sacrificing your life to someone who has HAD HER LIFE will get thanks from no one.
THIS IS NO DO-ABLE.
I am so sorry. Your mother needs care and placement (whether she wishes it or not). You currently are in mental crisis and not up to making these hard decisions for an uncooperative mom.
There are answers here. You must have the courage now to seek help for yourself and to demand placement and help for your mother. Then to let others manage care you have found you cannot manage. There is no shame in this. This is about safety and hard decisions, about loss and grief and pain.
I am just so sorry.
You also need to get help for your mental health . Please call 988. Also set up regular therapy sessions .
Let the social worker know Mom can not return home as it is “ unsafe” for her to do so . You also say that there is no one to take care of Mom . You are not able to provide care and Mom does not allow any professionals to enter her home . Do not have Mom live with you . The social worker may ask if that’s possible . You say that is not possible and that Mom needs to be placed .
You have the option of legally giving up POA and letting a court appoint a guardian to oversee Mom’s care .
You have to take care of yourself . Your mother will be taken care of at a facility.
Placing your Mom is “ doing what is right for Mom”. Don’t doubt that for a minute .
Your Mom’s reasoning , and logic are gone . She will never understand and may continue to “ hate “ you . But she is no longer safe at home and can not return to living like that .
My mother was similar . I was at rock bottom as well . You can place your Mom and work on your own mental health . Again you can always give up POA at anytime and let the courts guardian take over as well . There is a way for you to get through this .
Also keep us updated , as things happen we can give more ideas .
Think about that for a minute. Pull that darn POA card as hard as you have to for your sake and your mother's.
If she's peeing all over hersef and the furniture and has no problem with that and is letting her animals do their business indoors, she has some form of dementia and cannot look after herself independently anymore.
I did homecare for 25 years and now am in the business of it. I had a client years back who was very much like your mother. Lived alone, crapped and peed all over the place along with her three dogs, the house was absolutely disgusting, falling down and hoarded too. I was "allowed" to come in once a week for two hours to clean. Not that it did any good. Her daughter was a social worker yet she couldn't see what was right in front of her. I worked for an care agency at the time and told my supervisor who did nothing. So I called APS and they came. They must have placed the old lady because her house was empty and a for sale sign was on the lawn.
Once your mother gets into rehab have a talk with the facility's social worker. Tell them that she cannot return home and she needs to be placed in assisted living or LTC. They will help you. Homecare will probably not be a workable option for her if she refuses to let anyone in to help. She needs to get placed now for her own health and safety.
It's better if you place her and remain her POA rather than letting her return home and things get so bad that the state appoints a conservator over her. Then neither of you get a say in any matter.
First step: the pets go to a shelter or rescue. Don't feel guilty; as you said, even when she is home, your mom does not take proper care of them. It's not fair to them to be in the neglected environment. You can take them to the shelter, or someone from a rescue might even be willing to pick them up, sparing you that step. If you think it would be too emotionally hard for you, maybe your husband could go along with you, or even take care of it himself.
So that right there saves you three hours of driving plus the time need to take care of them, every day. And it's something you can do immediately. Wouldn't that be a relief, to know that you won't have that burden, and won't be taking that time away from your husband and family?
The fact that your mother is in the hospital now gives you the opportunity to solve this issue for the long-term. Call the social worker/discharge planner who is working on getting her into rehab, and tell him or her the unvarnished truth, as you told us above. No matter what your mother thinks and says and wants, SHE IS NOT CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF HERSELF AT HOME. Ever again.
Look at the facts: she urinates all over herself, her furniture, and her house all day long, doesn't clean herself or her home, risks food poisoning, won't take meds, refuses nursing, OT, and PT care, and neglects her pets. Make sure the hospital staff knows that, that she is an unsafe discharge, so they will have to arrange for a placement for her. Be sure they know that social services had to forcibly enter the house and take her back to the hospital. That actually works in your favor, because there is a record of her instability and lack of safety at her home.
Whatever you do, if anyone suggests that she live with you, just say no!!! She NEEDS professional fulltime care in a facility designed to keep seniors safe.
I suggest you take a step back from talking with or visiting your mother for a while. Do the communication through the staff. Let them bear the brunt of her anger. They are trained to handle it and are used to hearing it from seniors with dementia and mental illness. Let her calls go to voice mail. You trigger her anger because she is used to treating you that way, and she causes you emotional distress, which you do not deserve. Ask the doctors to evaluate her mentally and emotionally as well as physically. There are medications that can help calm her. She's not happy, and sending her back home will not actually make her happy. She needs medication, oversight, and safety, which is what placement in a facility will provide her.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you are. You deserve a happy life with your family. You really can reclaim it.
I suggest - strongly - that you tell your husband exactly what you have told us about your feelings that suicide would be a better alternative to what you are experiencing. Then you might want to voluntarily check into a mental health facility until you can get yourself in a better head space. If you choose to do this, then tell the people at the facility what is going on with your mom and that she is now alone with no support system, and let them, as mandated reporters, notify the proper authorities to get mom into care.
I know this sounds very extreme, but your language is so hopeless - right down to apologizing to a bunch of strangers on an internet support forum for being a "burden" when you come here to vent. Please, get yourself out of harm's way first and foremost, because you matter as much as your mom does.
Everything else - resigning your POA, or forcing it through, and any and all of the other good advice you have gotten - can wait until you get yourself the help you need.
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