My mother went into a Memory Care facility a few months ago. From what I can see, she seems to be getting good care and has had no real complaints. She can still walk with a rollator, but she is a fall risk. She knows she can push a button or pull the cord in the bathroom if she needs to. I do think she forgets this, as is to be expected.
Problem is, she is always stubborn about doing this, even if we are there to tell her to do so. My brother (who is very domineering and controlling) keeps calling me and telling me to call the nurse about various things (why he can call me but can't call the nurse himself is beyond me). My mother will get on the phone and call him (or me) saying she doesn't feel well, has tummy issues, has gotten sick, etc. I keep telling her to tell the nurse, but she won't and likely can't remember what button to push. Today she called him about having tummy issues, and then he calls me saying "Please call the nurse to check on mom." While I love my mother very much, I think this is ridiculous on a number of fronts. She is in memory care to be taken care of. If she is calling him, why can't he call the nurse himself? I do not want to bother them, as they have other patients to take care of, and I do not want to micromanage them or tell them how to do their job. I've made these calls before and while they are nice about it, it's awkward for me. I think this cycle of mom calls him, he calls me, demanding I call the nurse. It has to stop. They (mom and my brother) have always had an extremely dysfunctional relationship. I don't want to sound heartless, but it seems ridiculous to me to call a nurse to say "will you check on my mother?" I'd love to know others' thoughts on this. I am not sure of the details of her care plan and how often they are to check on her, as she put him in charge of everything, and he only shares what he wants to with me. Thank you so much!
He wants you to be seen as the problematic one in the facilities eyes. No. It is a complete sentence.
Your mom made her choice, now she deals with the consequences.
I can tell you that saying "No." gets easier every time you say it. So start today.
Is your brother POA? If do, your brother is responsible for her. I would be telling Mom that she put brother In charge so she needs to call him. I would tell brother, Mom put you in charge so you call the nurse. If the facility calls you, tell them brother is in charge, call him.
Your brother maybe controlling, but you are not obliged to let him control you. Tell him "to handle it". He wantscto be in control, this is what comes with it.
That's your get out of jail free card to just say NO to your brother's requests.
He is the one legally responsible for her. If he wants the nurse called, he can do it himself.
I would call and talk to the Nurse. Tell her you don't want to call them for every little thing. You have told Mom to tell the nurse but she won't. Your brother calls you because Mom calls him.
The whole purpose in having Mom in memory care is so you don't need to deal with these types of things anymore, Mom has people and she needs to learn to use them. You can block them both. Only pick up when u feel like it. Tell brother if Mom calls him, he is to call the Nurse. DO NOT call you.
Your brother should educate himself regarding dementia. I recommend his watching Teepa Snow.
You need to tell him that you will not longer listen to him as regards calls to mother and nursing. It's pretty much that simple. Let him know if his inappropriate behavior continues you will no longer accept calls from him other than a few minutes at a specified hour a few times a week.
What I finally understood was that overinvolvement was out of guilt. She had been his primary caregiver and when he called her - he made sure to remind her that he was there "because of her" (1000% not true) and that she'd "better fix this now". He would call DH with the same stuff but DH would say to him "Dad, see that red button next to your bed on the string wrapped around your bedrail? PUSH IT!"
I had many talks with SIL about the fact that FIL was in the SNF because we could no longer manage his care with FOUR people and that the facility was paid to take care of him and his daily needs so that she could just be his daughter again!
Stop answering your brother's calls or tell him that he can call all he wants, that you are trusting the facility to do their jobs.