Should my mom come to dad's funeral? They were married for 59 years.
I have been caregiving and making care decisions for both my parents for the past 6 years. My dad recently died while in recovery after breaking his hip. My mom is in memory care; she has dementia and is incontinent. We have told her about dad, but after the initial sadness, she promptly forgot. She does still ask for him, but does not mourn him.
I am their oldest child and I made all the funeral arrangements (with input from my sisters). My youngest sister, who lives very close to mom's facility, offered to have an after-funeral gathering of friends and famiy at her house. Initially, my sisters and I all agreed that mom should not attend either event, but now I'm having second thoughts. I will not be able to give my full attention to dad's memorial, if I have to take care of mom too. Neither of my sisters have volunteered to bring her.
Should I hire a caregiver to transport her and attend to her? If so, are there reputable caregivers that one can hire just for a few hours? Has anyone had to make this decision before, and if so, what did you decide?
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With dementia, you never know what the triggers will be. You certainly don't need her to flash back to other funerals, say, of her mom and dad, and think she's there again. She most likely won't recognize her ex's friends and family. She could panic at almost anything, and then what?
I am for those with dementia staying within familiar boundaries once they get to a certain stage. When you take them to activities that they no longer recognize or with people that for some reason may frighten them (strange hat or looming over them or not being able to process their speech), keep them home. Plus no one wants to witness an accident of incontinence. Or smell it.
This is not the time to worry about perceived social norms . Mom should be able to stay comfortable in memory care .
My sister in law brought her mother , who had advanced Alzheimer’s , to my mother’s funeral . I felt bad for the woman . She did not recognize anyone and kept asking to go home . She lived in memory care ..My sister in law is a jerk and brought her mother as a show and tell , to literally say to me “ look what I’m dealing with “.
My mother had vascular dementia and my sister in law felt the need to try to one up at my mother’s funeral . I should not have been surprised , as this is my sister in laws MO .
Had the same issue when an uncle died, and his wife had dementia and was in AL. Their children did not bring her to the funeral. They talked to her the next day and told her he had passed. It never really sank in, which in her case was a good thing. Why, they’d just seen a choir performance that morning and it was nice!😁
My condolences on the loss of your dad.
Don't bring her unless it's for you, and you have an appropriate person to mind her and then return her to her facility.