I wanted to update everyone that responded to my post last week. I also want you to know your wisdom and advice was much appreciated. I did read all your replies and took your wonderful advice. A heartfelt THANK YOU to you all!
Unfortunately,I had the flu so I told my Dad that I needed to rest. I told him I would call him when I felt a bit better. He said he understood, but on day 2 he started calling( every 5 minutes) I let them go to voicemail. They sounded so awful. He was sobbing and saying “Omg why won’t you answer your phone?” When I did call him back I reminded him that I am sick. He said he knows, but I didn’t answer my phone. I told him I will call him back when I’m feeling better. I also reminded him that his physical/ occupational therapist will be at his apartment in 5 minutes. He was still sobbing and sounding distraught when we hung up.
Because my goal is to have him back into AL apartment, I thought it would be a good idea to talk to the physical therapist. I know it would not be her decision, but just to get her opinion. In addition, after he sounded so distraught I wasn’t even sure he had his session.
I called the therapist and was totally shocked by her response. She told me he did great, was happy and smiling. What?? I told her he was very upset 5 minutes before she came. I know it’s not her job to deal with a clients emotional state but I truly thought she would see something was wrong. How he could be totally fine with her was another eye opener for me. You were so right, AlvaDeer to assess him as manipulative. I don’t think there is any other explanation.
I did go to see him in person with my husband. I told him that the way things are isn’t working for me. This is NOT healthy for either of us. I told him first what I will and can do for him. Get groceries, take him and go with him to his medical appointments, make sure his bills get paid, and maybe have lunch on occasion. I also let him know that if/ when he needs more help I will get it for him. Then I let him know that I am not going to visit every day, and that I will call him to check in. My husband spoke up and made it clear that he would call him if anything serious happened to me, otherwise no reason to call.
So far so good. I’m prepared to defend my boundaries. He has been talking to me about his neighbor “Martha” lately. Given his history, not sure where that’s leading. I do know that I am sticking to my boundaries and doing the right thing. No cannonballs are going to hit me this time AlvaDeer! Well they probably will come but I’m ready for them, as much as possible!
Thanks again for giving me the wake up call I needed. You helped me do the right thing for myself and my Dad. Your wisdom and care made a true difference. Love and thanks
What Dad did with therapist is "showtiming". They can , for a short time, become normal. Does not mean they don't have Dementia just means they are still capable of being able to cover it up. Late afternoon, early evening, they "sundown". This is were Dementia rears its ugly head. This maybe the time he calls you and makes no sense.
You are on your way.
This won't be EASY by any means but you will see that it WORKS, and the more you see it works the easier it gets, and the less he will try to work his wiles.
Moreover, this makes YOU and HUBBY a TEAM again. You acknowledge he's right and asked for his help and he let you do the talking, and was there to back you up, to support you. This builds your bonds while it break's Dad's hold on you and the monkey wrenches he throws (knowingly or not) into your marriage.
This is WIN WIN WIN WIN. Even DAD will see himself, eventually, as less a burden, and more someone you see because you love and care for him, not because he insists upon it.
This forum moves all of us from student to teacher, I think. I came here almost 6 years ago reeling and lost and so scared. So you are moving now into being a teacher here yourself.
Thank you for letting us know you're better. So few do. And please stay and help others make these moves.
I am so happy I want to dance a gig for you, but likely will fall on my scrawny 82 year old bottom.
GOOOOOOOOD work. So few try to give any advice even a try.
Habit, even when it works against us, is the "known" in our worlds, and the known is a great comfort.
There's nothing so scary as putting a foot forward down a new path.
I couldn't be happier for you, and I thank your hubby for riding shotgun, and for having your back in such a supportive and marvelous manner. He could teach it!