My husband and I are 55, overwhelmed with our full-time jobs, and visiting mom once or twice a week at her memory care is about all I can handle. Her facility is just over an hour away. She has a come-and-go dementia, so I never know if it will be a clear-headed, friendly visit, or an angry tirade of paranoia and weirdness. She's incredibly fluent, talks like a college professor, and has a good short-term memory, but she intermittently loses touch with reality and has delusions and hallucinations; is a flight risk; blames me for everything she can imagine.
I don't know what to say when she calls me on the phone and demands I give her "THE REASON" for not bringing her to visit our house. Any ideas? I'm about ready to tell her a meteor punched a hole in our roof and it's raining in the living room.
Even if I wanted her in our house, we only have one bedroom, one bed. (Non-typical house, I know. It's an 80 year old fixer-upper. Two old upstairs bedrooms are now crumbling, waspy attic space with no heat.)
She says she'll sleep on the couch, and tells me to "come up with another excuse". I do love her but she's a pushy, aggravating person.
Maybe I should just say, "You can't stay at my house because you're pushy and aggravating." Haha!! No, that would hurt her feelings. I think I need some useful white lies.
They forget we have lives of our own. They forget how jobs and families take up most of our days. And this just isn't those with Dementia. My MIL was 60 when I married her son. I worked full-time. She said to me one day I should quit work. Why, so we could spend time together? When they moved to Fla when she was 68, it was we could pick up and move down there. Really? We had 2 children and a house. That went on for 20+ years especially after FIL passed. She finally stopped when I told her it was never going to happen. I had my girls, my grands and an 80 yr old widowed mother I was not leaving. She thought nothing in picking up and leaving 2 grands behind.
Because the home is being fumigated.
Because your doctor has not cleared you to leave.
Because the Memory Care doesn't allow residents to leave overnight.
Because you have no heat.
Because you have no water.
Set your phone to silent and let her all's go to voicemail.
Pick a time of day to call her for 10 minutes and that's it.
Mom is not in charge, you are.
She has full time dementia which APPEARS to come and go.
She is not a college professor and you have many ways to outsmart her than you think. Use "therapeutic fibs" to get out of any situation you need to.
Visit once a week right before dinner. Then get her seated for dinner and work your way out the exit door.
When the blame game gets started, tell her you're leaving and will be back when shes in a better mood.
Set down boundaries right away and take charge! We've all been in your shoes 😑
You are mistaken in not being honest with your mother. You need to tell her that living with you and hubby is not an option either temporarily or permanently as it is not something that either one of you want.
It is purely selfish for an elder to do this to a child. I am 82 and I know whereof I speak. No responsible, kind and decent parent would do this to their child.
Your mother is justifiably worried now. You need to tell her you will assist her in getting a good diagnosis and placement, but she will not be coming to your home. You need to tell her you understand she is afraid, and admit that you are AFRAID FOR HER.
It is time for honesty now; without it you will end up desperate with your mother, who is in free fall now, made a member of your household by your own actions.l
I know this is tough, but it is the God's truth. This is time for you to take a good look at yourself and husband, and to DETERMINE that the TRUTH is now the only way. If you want to have a social worker present when you speak with her, then see one in private counseling practice with hubby, and arrange a meeting she will help you to manage with your mother.
Be honest and tell her that you can't accommodate a visitor. When she persists, tell her that the subject is closed and that if she continues to bring it up, you will hang up on her, or leave. Then proceed to do exactly that. Calmly, but firmly. If she then keeps calling you back, mute your phone and don't answer.
Talk to her doctor(s) and/or the memory care doctor/nurse practitioner about medication to calm her, and help control the paranoia and hallucinations. Those are terrible things to experience and if you can get those under control, it might reduce her anger when she's lucid.
Don't feel guilty about saying no to a visit. It won't satisfy her, it will just whet her appetite for more, and it could lead to serious consequences if she uses the opportunity to escape or engage in some other risky behavior.
You can always blame her not coming to your house on her doctor. Just tell her that they don't think it's a good idea that she leave the facility, as she is much safer there. Which in reality is true.
Plus someone with dementia does much better when their routine is not disrupted, and taking her out of her safe place for a few days will do much more harm than good.
Your moms brain is now permanently broken and there is no reasoning with her, so stand your ground and if she gets too pouty you just leave and tell her you'll be back when she's a bit more pleasant.
She will see for herself about ‘why why why NOT for a few days’. She’ll still complain anyway, of course, but your 'no' line is easier. And perhaps redefine 'love' in "I do love her BUT". The connection we feel for a difficult parent (like my own appalling father) does not have to be called 'love'. Calling it love just makes for guilt when you know it really isn't like that at all.