My siblings are attacking me for spending my mom‘s money on a privacy fence. They’re putting a halfway house behind ours. She needed something secure. I just wanted her to feel safe in her home. They are accusing me of spending all of her money. They are making up lies about my dad paying me to take care of him. I was there with one of my brothers every single day several times a day lifting Dad on and off the pot. Transferring chairs, grocery shopping, laundry, showers. The three that are attacking me were hardly ever around. They want to question this fence but they never questioned how their dad got clean how mom got groceries how the laundry got done how the gutters got cleaned. Now all of a sudden, they’re concerned children? Why? Do I need to do something to protect myself? I am POA, Executor, and on her checking account. They are being so nasty. I’m concerned their plotting against me for when mom passes. I need advice.
in your situation, I would not hesitate to spend mom‘s money on making mom feel safe and comfortable in her home.
If they want to keep informed, let them quit their jobs, leave their families and clean up the sick person’s messes for several months or years or decades. That way they’ll learn everything they need to know.
I’M JOKING! The complainers and critics would never do that.
Your siblings can see an attorney and pull you into court any time they wish to.
Only a JUDGE can question your actions as POA, so you need careful records of all expenditures into and out of your parents' account. What they are for, and why you are doing them.
So now is the time to STOP THE SIBS. This is step by step how you do this.
1. You tell the siblings that you are the POA for your parents.
2. You tell the siblings that as POA you do not DISCUSS your parents' finances in any way with them EVER. You make decisions and you keep careful records, and those records are accountable to a court only if they choose to spend their money on an attorney.
3. You keep meticulous monthly records or your POA work. Every penny into and out of your parents' accounts is accountable by YOU and you keep that record month by month. I also suggest a diary with the interference and daily actions of you and siblings. A composition book with no tear outs and no erasures (only cross outs of mistakes) is admissible evidence in a court of law.
4. You tell your siblings you will appreciate any help and respite they can provide you but will not discuss your parents' affairs nor argue with them, that you haven't the energy nor the wish to do so. That if they have questions, they should hire an attorney and at 350 to 750 and hour good luck of it.
That's it. Set the boundaries and keep them.
Get Henry Cloud's book Boundaries. It is easy and simple anecdotes about how you set boundaries with trouble-makers.
Good luck.
POA doesn't really come into affect until Mom cannot make decisions on her own. If you have POA now, then get that attitude, your in charge. Mom assigned you to both POA and Executor. Your siblings can do nothing. I would keep very good records. Your Moms bank statement should show the money coming in and going out. When she passes, POA stops. Executor takes over. At the end of Probate an accting is done. Your siblings can contest it. May ask for proof of how Moms money was spent prior to her passing.
Because your Moms representative, you do not share with them anything financially. Medically either. They have no right to know how Mom stands financially at this point.
Make sure your PoA is in fact active. This means your Mom has an official medical diagnosis of sufficient capacity. This needs to be on the clinic letterhead signed by her doctor.
Then, make sure you know how to keep a good accounting/papertrail of every expenditure on their behalf, keeping receipts, with notes and dates. If you are being compensated for your caregiving, this should be in a written contract. If you are joint on their bank accounts, this will be particularly important. Maybe consult with a certified elder law attorney to know how best to do this, and sign documents as PoA.
Also, make sure you are up on their financial landscape so that you feel confident in making large purchases, like a fence. Because it is a half-way house (or group home) I would also invest in security devices, like Ring cameras, motion-detection floodlights, improved door and window locks, etc.
As PoA you aren't obligated to divulge anything to your siblings, but in the absence of information (and perhaps from a point of their greed) they are interpreting what they can see incorrectly. It's up to you how much effort you wish to put into looping them in. It's a no-win situation: if you don't tell them, they get suspicious. If you do tell them, they get opinionated and controlling.
Your mandate is to use your Mom's resources for her care and not to preserve as an inheritance. But this rightly begs the question: do you know how long your Mom's assets will last? Do you know anything about Medicaid? Your siblings cannot plot against you if you do your due diligence in advance and keep good records.
When I was managing my in-laws daily care I chose to send out almost daily emails to my brother-in-laws and step-BILs so they could never come back to me and say, "I didn't know...." I would put every mundane thing I did for them: counted their pills, cleaned up the dishes, took them grocery shopping, reviewed their bills, engaged social services, etc. I never expected a response from them and indeed I never got one because they knew in spades what I was doing -- and they thanked me profusely for it. Some offered to contribute money because they were out of state and couldn't participate. For those local, if they ever ask "What can we do to help?" The answer should be for them to come and give you a break of a full day or several days. Your Mom's funds should be paying for you to do this as is or you will burn out.
I wish you all the best as you provide care to your Mom and peace in your heart no matter what transpires with your siblings -- you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.