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My mom lives with me and has had dementia for about 5 years. She went through a long period of being angry and fighting me on everything. She is pleasant now, but is living in the past. She asks to go home and it breaks my heart because she is home. I don’t really have a question but was just feeling very sad tonight. This forum has been a life saver and I know many on here know how I feel. I actually miss the fighting me on things a little!

I call dementia the "grief disease." It is sad to watch. I've lost two very close friends to it. These were very strong women. Both were nurses. One was a Red Cross volunteer who taught CPR. I took classes from her. She passed from dementia at 94 years old. My other friend worked at Saint Elizabeth's Hospital for many years until retirement. She was at my first Al-Anon meeting back in 1983. During her years after retirement, she helped family members by going home to South Carolina to nurse her mom, brother and sister through the disease. They all had dementia one by one. She kept her home here in DC where she would come back occasionally. When she got old, she started showing signs of cognitive decline. She died a few years ago in a home from pneumonia.
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I went through 6 years of dementia with my mother who also wanted to go home constantly. Home represents a place in time when life was simple and happy, more so than a brick and mortar building. Mom wanted to ride the subway to go see her mama and siblings, which meant she was regressed in time back to when she was a young woman living in Brooklyn. Her parents and siblings were long gone, but she would reunite with them soon, when she passed at 95.

There is nothing good about dementia, it's a lose lose situation for all concerned. My mother was foul and ugly for most of her term with dementia, but then became more loving and easy going as she became advanced. The ugliness I knew how to get irritated with and shut out, the pleasantness was something new and unknown. I had an easier time dealing with the nasty mom than the happy one. Truly a gut wrenching experience for the patient AND the family alike. I didn't leave moms room w/o crying on the ride home even once, I don't think.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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Agree, it is sad. I remember going to see my sweet aunt who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it had been a few months, and I told my husband as we were walking in “this will tell if she still knows me” I’d been close to her my whole life. When I walked over to her, she smiled and said “you sure are growing up to be a good girl” I was in my late 30’s with four children. It made me so sad. Later, I went to a church service with her in her memory care center. She knew far less by this point and was mostly silent. When the songs, old hymns, started, she sang every word of every verse word for word. It made me realize something I still believe, no matter how much dementia robs the mind and memories, something of the essence of the person who was, always remains. I’m sorry for your sadness, your mom is blessed to have your love and care.
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It is very sad. One suggestion I once heard on this is to say “tell me about your home” To get more of the memories flowing.
best wishes to you and your mom.
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Yes like MG8522 said below, when someone with dementia speaks of wanting to go home, and because they now live in the past, it is often the home they grew up in with their parents where they felt safe.
All you can do is try and redirect your mom best you can by changing the subject, and perhaps offering her some ice cream(that worked with one of the gentleman in my caregiver support group).
Dementia sucks, no ifs ands or buts, but know that eventually this too shall pass.
God bless you.
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By "home," some dementia patients mean their childhood home, or the home where they raised their children. They might think their parents or spouse or young children are there waiting for them. I don't have first-hand experience to give you any suggestions, but I have seen this in memory care residents and heard about it from family members. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's hard not to be able to satisfy her requests.
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