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Husband and I planned for this. MPOA and SDPOA signed 2 years ago. After initial diagnosis of Dementia unspecified. My health was deteriorating and we together discussed options. He voluntarily went into Silverado 2/8/2025. He even picked his room! He was adjusting well until MY daughter who met his once before 5 yrs ago (already a much different person) decided to encourage his delusions that nothing is wrong. ALL HIS FAMILY are supportive of me. My daughter has estranged from me withholding her daughter from me (who I cared for at least one day a week for 5 years -this is why we moved here) But wait there's more... she had interfered by helping him file a Medical Review complaint AND Adult Protective Services. The truth will come out BUT HOW LONG? He is going down quickly, refuses to talk to or see me. She has robbed me of precious time that I will never get back. I have to face the reality that I may never have a conversation with him before he dies. The week after he moved in he was calling to tell me about his days and hugging me when I visited... now this.

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Did not mean to post twice. Had a computer glitch
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I am sorry, but I am confused. You first say your daughter met your husband 5 years ago, then you say they first met 8 years ago and then you say they met in 2015(?) if I am understanding correctly. You also say you both moved near her and took care of her daughter, your granddaughter once a week, but your daughter doesn't know your husband. Did they have no contact with each other? If so, how was she made his POA if you divorce? I do not understand what is going on here. Would you explain further?
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I am confused. You first say your daughter met your husband 5 years ago, then you say they first met 8 years ago and then you say they met in 2015(?) if I am understanding correctly. You also say you both moved near her and took care of her daughter, your granddaughter once a week, but your daughter doesn't know your husband. Did they have no contact with each other? If so, how was she made his POA if you divorce? I do not understand what is going on here. Would you explain further?
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CINDERCYN, I feel for you! We are in similar situations alright, except my "intervener" is a friend whereas yours is your own daughter. Money often brings out the worst in people. Still, I think a step-daughter may be less threatening than if she was your husband's biological daughter. You've received many good advice here. For both your sake, please do visit your husband--you're his spouse. You may find moments of clarity and lucidity from him, and they are there. If your daughter is accusing you of gaslighting him, then "gaslight" him with loads of love. Tell him you love him, hug him, and speak non-threatening things. Do not bring up daughter at all. Leave him with good feelings being with you. Take back your precious time with him.
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Below in a response to a participant you said your daughter is "...his POA if I were to divorce."

How is this possible? So, she's not his primary PoA, you are, correct?

Is she a co-PoA? Or a second (back-up)?

The only way she'd be his PoA now is not at all because there's a formal diagnosis of FTD. How does she even have access to him? How can she call his diagnosis into question when it was done by a neurologist? She's not his PoA so how can she ask for a review or second opinion? How does APS get called *into a facility* when there's an active PoA and a formal diagnosis? Why didn't she report the facility? Facilities are staffed by mandated reporters!

This is very confusing. There seems to be a missing piece of info because this situation makes no legal sense.
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Cinder, I think your daughter has shown you who she is, BELIEVE her.

I am so sorry that is where she has chosen to go. To young or to stupid or both to know some things cross boundaries that makes everything different from here to eternity. So unfortunate for everyone in the relationship.

I would encourage you to ensure you have everything buckled up nice and tight for your time of need, God forbid.

Keep on advocating and loving your husband, you may never get to say goodbye to your husband but, he knows somewhere where his mind is, he knows the love and sacrifice this is all about.

Stay strong!
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I'd get a lawyer, a restraining order on your daughter, and clearly show this Witch who is running the show here...legally and morally. Put your foot down and forbid Daughter to visit, WHATEVER IT TAKES.

Protect your relationship you had before this Witch showed up. Who does she think she is, except a "Wanna Be" Lawyer? Why would she turn him (she hardly knows) against YOU (his 15 yr wife) unless she is after money? Maybe have Husband get some psych help to get him back on the track you BOTH selected together, before some selfish Witch chose to destroy her Mother's 15 year marriage. She knew his illness would allow her to manipulate the situation!

This cruel, indecent behavior by his Step Daughter is devastating. This is EVIL worse than I can imagine. Your daughter has serious mental instability. How would she like it if you tried to take her child away?

Don't stand by wringing your hands another day...put your foot down. Take drastic action now. You need to squash her like a bug, plus find another POA for yourself pronto. Select someone from his family as your POA, she must be removed ASAP!

You are 100% correct she is stealing time you will never get back. More valuable than any money! No telling what she will try next. Start fighting back HARD.
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KNance72 Mar 1, 2025
She Is definitely Up to no Good and it Is sad she is abusing Both her mother and step father .
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I suspect she expects an inheritance and doesn't want to see it spent on his care; is that possible? (When one of my husband's relatives first hired an part-time in-home caregiver, her daughter told her, "But Mom, that's my inheritance you're spending," which caused her mother extensive anxiety.)

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 1, 2025
My kid would get nothing, no matter how much was left, for such a self centered, entitled selfish attitude.
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She is his POA if I were to divorce. I do not want to divorce him he is a victim of her manipulation. Facility is monitoring her when she & granddaughter visit. I have this handled I just wondered if anyone else has been through a similar horror of such adamant denial of medical diagnosis. She doesn't want to talk (nor does she has a right to) talk to doctor she thinks it is malpractice.
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JuliaH Mar 1, 2025
If you were to divorce him? Sounds like the ulterior motive! I don't see why you have to wait for APS to conclude the investigation as you are still married and have the POA! Her actions are very insincere and it really sounds like the more you stay away from him,the more her case looks better. You will be charged with neglect and refused to care...you wouldn't even go visit him! I would also look into whether or not he filed for divorce, she could've caught him off guard and had him sign the papers and in his state,it would be thrown out. Sounds like she wants you out of the picture so she can take over. I wouldn't let her get away with it! While you wait,as you stated, you're losing precious time! You should go see him, have an aide with you and you stand out of his sight. Have the aide ask him if he wants to see you? You either get a chance to visit or at least you were there to look in on him. I don't see how they could do anything to you seeing your in the right. I'd be like...go ahead, take me in,lock me up! I'm going to see my husband even if he doesn't want to see me! Could you imagine that for some miraculous moment,he remembers he loves you? Could possibly be the lie that's been going around too? He could've been manipulated into believing that you don't want to see/ love him or that he's not going to see his granddaughter if he sees you? Don't waste time! Is he close to hospice care? Bring your POA information with you!
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This is MY daughter as I said.
We are married 15 yrs she met once in 2015(?) Then asked us to move close when she was having baby in 2020. He has been showing symptoms since right after the move. I fought for almost 5 years with his cooperation before we got a PET SCAN and cognitive testing...which showed decline but doctors would not listen to me the caregiver. We finally got to a Geriatric Doctor last August who said it was some type of Dementia either lewy body or FTD.refer to TOP neuro in area waited 3 months to see and he has no doubt that it is FTD. Husband went into care with Dementia-unspecified diagnosis. All professionals agree this will come to NOTHING.... HE does not want to see me or talk to me since she started this. I talk to staff almost daily which is how I am aware of his decline. I am in controlled supported by ALL his family Brother, sister and 2 sons and yes this relative outsider is stirring things up and wasting what time I had left to be his wife and NOT Caregiver. I just wanted to know if anyone else has gone through this overwhelming heartache I feel. She does of course not let me see this granddaughter I have love an cared for all these years....just need someone to hear me scream.
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KNance72 Mar 1, 2025
My sister Kidnapped my Father from Boston to California 2 and a Half years ago and will Not let me talk to him . He thought he was going on a vacation to Hawaii . My sister hardly Knows My father. This is about Money and her inheritance . It is very sad because I raised My sister since she was a baby and took care of her Over the years and now she has become a ruthless. It is Heartbreaking . My father does not want to be in California and thinks he is still in Boston .
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Please consider what KNance in the comments is advising you to do.
The facility needs to know that your daughter is to be allowed ZERO communication with your husband and if she shows up at the facility, they are too call the police.

For sure she has some kind of ulterior motive. My guess would be that your daughter is looking for a payday and doesn't want to see yours and your husband's assets getting spent down on keeping him in managed care.
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KNance72 Mar 1, 2025
Exactly Burnt .
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She has a Ulterior Motive watch Out for her she is dangerous . You might want to tell her to stay away and let the Place he is staying at Know you dont want her Visiting . People Pull a Lot of stuff when there is a Vulnerable adult . I would report her to APS .
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I'm so sorry you're going through such a distressing thing from your own family member.

So you are the PoA and he has a formal diagnosis of dementia.

Your daughter -- who seems to be his step-daughter who met him only 1 time 5 years ago -- reported him to APS even though he's already in a facility (I'm assuming this is what "Silverado" is).

My first thought was to wonder if she works in the medical field. Sometimes people in the medical field do this (my own Mom was an RN for 40+ years).

Then I wondered if she's having mental health issues.

When did your daughter cut ties? You said you and your husband moved close to her and were watching your granddaughter once a week for 5 years. But you said she only met your husband once five years ago? Can you please clarify the timeline of your information?

You are your husband's PoA. I would ask your doctor to create a letter on the clinic letterhead with the diagnosis of cognitive incapacity sufficient to require the active decision-making of the PoA. I got this for my Mom and it helps a lot. You can then have this letter printed and on hand if APS comes to you with any further investigation (and maybe you should consider consulting with a lawyer).
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CINDERCYN Mar 1, 2025
Daughter met him once 8 years ago before symptoms were apparent. We have been near at her request to help with the grandchild when she was born 1/2020. His symptoms started getting bad a few months into 2020 so her interactions (masked by him) are ALL SHE KNOWS
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I'm sorry that you have to go through this, I'm surprised that knowing he's being well cared for in MC that APS is involved at all! You're the one with the POA's and should have every right to see him and be involved with his medicinal care. Is there a restraining order against you? Did you sign him into the facility? Why does the facility say to you? You say you have the support of all his family, what are they doing to help you? If the daughter is telling him stories and him in his state of mind, the family should find out what's going on with him for you. I'd be asking the family if he even knows if you're alive? Personally, I would think you have the right to go to the facility and show proof of POA and have the daughter banned from the facility. If there's some kind of court order against you, his family should be able to defend you. As you mentioned, you both worked this out a couple of years ago so why would this take such an unsuspecting change? Sounds like daughter is in denial and needs to grow up. He's in MC for a reason, they've ESTABLISHED his occupancy because he needs to be safe and cared for.
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CINDERCYN Mar 1, 2025
Yes daughter is former Medical Malpractice paralegal I think being a full time stay at home mother is not enough for her. Silverado Facility says no worries this is not their first rodeo. I do have an attorney who says the same just let APS do their investigating and they will wind up charging HER. She and graddaughter can no long take him out to play ..staff supervised visits only. My heart does not want to deny him the granddaughter he dearly loves.

What is MOST gut wrenching for me is that he is at end stages going down quick and these games daughter is playing has taken the precious time away from me before he is gone...that I will NEVER get back. Truth will come out in 6 months? A year? I don't think we have that long.....his "mask" is slipping and it will be most evident she is wrong. He was an EXTREMELY brilliant man before FTD.

Finances are secured by POAs. So I am handling things.
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This isn't an outsider.
This is your HUSBAND and DAUGHTER.

The first thing I need to know is EXACTLY whose daughter is this madwoman. Is she YOUR daughter or YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND'S daughter, or your HUSBAND's daughter. Because I have never in my life heard of such a thing. And I am confused here.
#1. This isn't and outsider. It is your daughter? Am I right? YOUR daughter? (or is it HIS?)
#2. Your daughter doesn't believe the diagnosis of demenia?
Do you have letter of diagnosis of dementia? From whom?
Was daughter shown the diagnosis from a doctor?
#3. YOU are his LAWFUL POA?
#4. You are his lawful WIFE?
#5. Your daughter has contacted APS and filed that he doesn't have dementia and can leave care, and APS has seen him and AGREES? And Silverado agrees that he has no dementia, and that he entered privately by his own will. Does Silverado have his diagnosis of dementia? Does Silverado have you listed as his POA?
6. You care currently not allow to see your husband? By LAW? There is a restraining order? Or is this because APS examined hubby and said he is competent and HUBBY himself has refused to see you?

I must tell you I have never in my life heard of something like this.
I need to ask you now if you have an attorney, a hearing date, and I need to hear why your attorney thinks it is OK that a wife and POA be forbidden from seeing her husband when he has a diagnosis of dementia and she is his legal POA?

WHAT IN THE WORLD is the MOTIVATION of your daughter? Is she INSANE?
IF your husband does indeed have dementia, and he is indeed released, then I suggest to you a legal separation and division of an attorney, and leave hubby (if indeed he is diagnosed with dementia, to Darling Daughter's care.
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CINDERCYN Mar 1, 2025
I am beginning to seriously think she has a mental heath issue
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