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Hello,My parents are in their early 70’s. My mother has become extremely abusive both emotionally AND Physically towards my father. This has gotten increasingly worse the past two years and all stems from an affair he had early in their marriage. Her knowledge of the affair is not new. They have been married over 50 years. It is my belief she is in cognitive decline, possible dementia but we have no official diagnosis. She cancelled all her dr appointments. She gets agitated easily. I am concerned for my father’s safety. The abuse she is doing could be felonious charges if he reported it, but he is refusing to report it to anyone. I am torn on how to help. Ive offered assistance in resources, calling authorities for him, to stay with us for a few days for reprieve. I am at a loss of what to do when he is not willing to go against her. If I call and he isnt honest to authorities, it could become even worse for him. I’ve thought about calling her doctor, but it is a similar concern. He does believe and understand that she is unwell.I just needed to vent and thought this may be a relatable situation to others on this platform.

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My mother blamed my father for something he did as a serviceman in WWII that she never forgave him for. He felt guilty, I guess, and decided to be her scratching post for the next 68 years of their marriage. She was always mean and ugly towards dad, but when she developed dementia and her filter dissolved, she really became unbearable. They'd fight a lot and dh and I would be called to their AL to help them sort it out. Yet dad would take her side every single time and I'D be the Bad Guy for getting irritated with Mom! This happened many times until I decided dad was a Big Boy and could fight his own battles. HE chose to stay married to this ugly woman, then let HIM deal with her. I'm out.

That's my suggestion to you. Bow out. If you call APS or get involved in THEIR issues guess who's gonna be The Bad Guy?
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Nellie1389 Mar 5, 2025
I am so sorry you experienced that! In hindsight my mom has always been passive aggressive, but this is an entirely new level. I do agree that my dad needs to be the one to make a move and if he doesn’t, I don’t want to make it worse. I don’t think he’d be fully honest with adult protection, feels guilty and genuinely loves her. plus all the other thoughts and feelings he is having as he is trying to process it all. And she is very cunning at the moment, so she can control
it when needed. It almost appears to be domestic marriage issues if you didn’t know better.
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If you live in the area, if you can catch her in the act, then you can call 911 and send her to the hospital for a uti check.
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I would call APS, Adult Protective Services in your area to discuss with them how to proceed in this instance.
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I want to be careful how I say this. I know you feel bad for your dad, and I do as well. But keep in mind that if your mother has dementia/alz/cognitive decline- she is literally not in her right mind. The fact that she is bringing his affair back up after all of this time may be a good indicator that decline is happening. She may be behaving as if it is new - because she is reliving learning that information. If that is what is happening - she literally cannot help it.

When a person is in cognitive decline - everything is exacerbated.

I wholeheartedly agree - an intervention with APS -for BOTH of their sakes - is a good option, especially if you can't get her seen by a doctor. I agree he isn't safe with her. But she may also be very unsafe with herself - dementia changes so much - she may forget how to do basic things like use the stove/oven and leave it on for example.

So getting more eyes on the situation is probably necessary now.
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Thank you. Yes, my first step in determining where I am on the HIPPA. Ive also scheduled to meet with a therapist myself, and am currently gathering resource information for my dad. It is so sad to see. Im scared of what that event will be.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 5, 2025
If you’re not listed on HIPPA forms it means medical professionals cannot talk to you about your parent’s medical care. It does not mean you can’t communicate with them, you can send information and concerns, it just won’t be responded to directly to you. It may or may not help in their care
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I would call Adult Protective Services and report what you’ve witnessed along with dad’s reluctance to admit the abuse. This will put them on their radar. I would also contact mom’s doctor and report the same, no emotions, just the facts of what you’re seeing in her behaviors. You can do so through a patient portal or by letter. After that, it’s time to accept waiting for an event that forces change. It’s the unfortunate situation so many of us have found ourselves in. The event always comes, just no fun waiting on it. Your parents have a long marriage, it’s no wonder neither of them wants change, even if it’s to their detriment not to change or be honest. I wish you peace
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