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Mom lives with me and has been experiencing dementia symptoms for about 5 or 6 years. She has been in denial about it and therefore has refused to be evaluated. The last few months she has quickly deteriorated. She started talking about going home which is the home I grew up in. I know it’s more about the fact that she misses my dad who has been dead for 30 years. Last Friday morning I woke up to her screaming at 5 am that she wanted to go home. She had been up because she took every picture off of her bedroom walls, started packing her stuff and taking it downstairs. I tried everything to redirect…nothing worked. When she finally found keys and was going to take my car, I called 911. It was determined her blood sugar was high…she agreed to let me take her to the er. They did CT, checked for infections she was clear. Her kidney functions were high and her blood sugar was wildly out of control. They admitted her to get her kidney functions in the normal range and get her on a good schedule with her insulin. While in the hospital she experienced delusions and this was the first time she ever hit me.She was released Sunday and all was good for a day and 1/2. Today she has suddenly started distrusting me. I have a feeling she didn’t take her morning pills because she keeps thinking I’m trying to do something to her. She said she thought I killed my dad and that I brought her to this house she doesn’t know because I was hiding out. I’ve been watching her blood sugar like a hawk and made sure she did take her evening pills which included 25 mg seroquol. I called her doctor and they are adjusting meds. My question is how do you all deal with the roller coaster? I never thought I would want to put her into memory care but don’t know if I can keep handling this. What led to your ultimate decision to place your loved one? I am an only child and I feel like I’m going crazy. How do you deal with feeling so bad for her and hating her at times…or hating this person she is now? I know she can’t help it but she gets so very nasty.

It's time for her to be placed where she has a 24/7 team to take care of her. Her issues seem to be progressing rapidly, and you need to start looking at memory care facilities right away. In reference to the roller coaster, it's not up and downs anymore. It's going to be going straight down. When they start getting violent, they - and you - MUST have help.

Most of us think we will learn to cope with our dementia loved ones, but we find out that it was an unrealistic hope. Then we become grateful that there are places where they will be understood, managed, and cared for by people we would have once considered strangers. My husband is in memory care now. He's made friends there, and they all have difficulties similar to his. They enjoy each other, look after each other, and stimulate each others' interest in what's going on around them.

Memory care is not perfect, but it is better for everyone than fighting an ongoing battle at home. That isn't the best care for our loved ones, nor is it good for us.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You should have had mom tested for dementia while she was hospitalized, that was your perfect opportunity. Unless she already has a diagnosis and I've missed something? In any event, it's time for Memory Care Assisted Living when YOU can no longer handle mom at home. I never wanted to do any hands on caregiving for my parents so I made that clear early on. They went into AL after dad needed more help than mom could provide, and after he died, mom stayed on in AL. Then I had to move her into their Memory Care building when her dementia got bad. There was no way I'd have been able or willing to deal with her incontinence, delusions, wheelchair, constant falls, and all the rest of the chaos that goes on with dementia. I visited her often and was her advocate for over 10 years. She did very well in both AL and Memory Care and passed at 95+.

Do what YOU have to do to make life bearable. Dementia only gets worse with time, never better. Mom got excellent care from "her girls" in MC and if I had it to do over again, I'd do it the same way.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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waytomisery Mar 5, 2025
Since the mother does not live alone , it’s quite possible the hospital would have refused to test for dementia .
This happened last year when my nephew ( in PA ) , asked to have my sister tested . They told him , he would have to do that as an outpatient at a neurologist office , which my sister had already been refusing . The hospital didn’t care that she had been refusing . Nor did they care that my nephew was having to leave her home alone so he could go to work .
The hospital’s goal is discharge them home when they live with someone .
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My Mom lived with me for 20 months. Her Dementia getting worse by the month. I am an organized person. Everything in its place. I don't do chaos well. Get overwhelmed when too much comes at me at one time. I deal better one thing at a time. Dementia was too unpredicatable for me. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Respite care so I could go to nieces wedding 8 hrs away, turned into Mom remaining at the AL. The first night was so nice, I got to sleep thru the night. Still had responsibilities but not that 24/7 being on my toes all the time.
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My wife has 2 Seroquel prescriptions that she takes very night at bedtime. One is a 50mg tab of extended release Seroquel. The other is for fast acting Seroquel. The fast acting script is written for up to four 25mg tabs daily. She currently requires 3 of those 25mg tabs, when she gets worse I'll be able to give her 4. She started out a few years ago taking a single 25mg tab.
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Tynagh Mar 5, 2025
Seroquel literally saved my life. Mom was unable to sleep and keeping me up for hours and hours on end because she was terrified of something during the night. Seroquel before bed let her have a good 6 hours of sleep at a time. 75 mg at bedtime.

Also, the OP will have to give mom her insulin/diabetic meds to keep her level. That will also help a lot.
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When the physical violence starts it is more than time to be placed in MC.

Start looking for a facility, in the meantime if she hits you again call 911, people with dementia can do most anything.

It is up to you to bring peace back into your life, she will continue to get worse, do what is best for the both of you.

Sending support your way,
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Reply to MeDolly
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Look up diabetic delirium. It can have long-term effects, especially if she doesn't keep her sugar levels under control. Neither you nor she are safe in the state she has reached. She needs a memory care placement. The staff are trained professionals who give her the extensive, regular care she needs to be safe and under control. It's the caring solution.
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Reply to MG8522
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Your mother needs a complete evaluation.
When you had her at the hospital that was the perfect time to address that.
Next time, do so. You will need to refuse to take her home unless she is evaluated by neuro psyc.

I would call her doctor tomorrow and discuss this, and discuss ways to get her in for evaluation.
Are you the POA because if her descent into dementia is now complete you won't be able to get POA.

Time to call APS if you cannot get her into hospital for evaluation.
You may need to make her a ward of the state and have them take over so she can be evaluated, placed, and her funds managed, as this apparently has not been done in a timely manner. To get guardianship would be both costly, complex and difficult, and no judge would ever let you out of it should you want to resign in the future, so I highly recommend against being her guardian.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m so sorry. You don’t hate your mom, you’re exhausted and in over your head for this level of caregiving. So many here never thought they’d have to seek care in a facility setting, yet found themselves in impossible circumstances like yours. I hope you’ll have mom sent back to the hospital at the very next opportunity her actions get out of control and from there moved directly into a memory care center. My aunt moved to memory care after escaping every added lock and wandering her neighborhood one late night dispersing her jewelry all over. We felt blessed to rest knowing she was safe and had a team to care for her instead of one burned out, exhausted daughter, my cousin. Your feelings are normal, the mom you had has gone and been replaced by someone unrecognizable, that’s sad and worth mourning. Time to care for you both by seeking another living arrangement. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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When my mother slapped me . I knew I was done for sure . That and Mom was uncooperative with bathing , changing clothes , incontinence care , eating , medications, as well as argumentative and distrusting of me .

My mother’s geriatrician was more worried about me than Mom . She told me there often comes a time when a parent with dementia can no longer be taken care of by family , They don’t want to be told what to do from their ( adult ) child .

You don’t need permission to place your Mom . I also think you already know you are done . Start lining up memory care .
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