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Hello all. I have no idea what is going on with him, but it feels so isolating and exhausting.


He has end-stage kidney disease and today before I left to work he kept getting lost from his room to the bathroom and vice versa (the bathroom is literally as you exit his room on the right side). And his cognitive decline is just worse. He had blood work done in him but we haven’t heard the results and I keep nagging my husband to get them now that he is authorized to do so. He’s also been falling more lately. He’s only 67.


My marriage started with him in our place for 3 years when he was still able to care for himself and we just got him back 6 months ago in this state, and he is also going blind. I am not sure what to do since my husband should be in charge, I feel. We have a 2 year old as well. We wanted to grow our family, but my husband is always in a bad mood since his father came back to us. He is also waiting for an asylum decision since 2017. We live in Washington state and he has an ailen emergency insurance.


I feel so helpless. Thank you for reading and just listening.

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Your fil’s asylum claim is highly likely to get rejected if it hasn’t been already. State claims could go the same sooner than later. So his costs like his presence there will be increasingly on you as the current admin is dead set on removing taxpayer funds from migrants/illegals/asylees.

I doubt ice will be coming to your house. But I think ice will be involved if you pursue more taxpayer services.
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light1989 Mar 7, 2025
um ok thanks for your very unhelpful answers. Calling my FIL illegal when he was actually escaping a political situation and due to his status at a university in his country, he had to leave. I pray you never have to deal with leaving your country, especially how that this administration is dead set on making themselves richer. Anyways when you tell me my husband and I should have thought about this, you don’t think we did? How inhumane of us to leave him just like that. And it’s too late to send him back to his country if that’s what you’re after. He looks like he doesn’t have much life left, and unlike the people that call themselves “pro-life” who want a baby to live but not help it out once it comes, because sometimes moms abort due to many reasons, but current administration is making women have these babies, we will care for this person since his children have already helped. Your answers were not helpful at all and do not respond to me any longer.
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light1989: Speak to the social worker again.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Does your FIL hold a greencard or is that the problem?

Sounds to me FILs kidneys have failed. The toxins are entering his system and causing dementia like symtoms. If I am right, he is dying. He needs hospice care. Does he have health insurance?
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light1989 Mar 2, 2025
i think the same. However he just had labs done and they tell us they are “good?” It almost seems like the medical staff don’t point us to more resources.
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I had to look up alien emergency insurance because I'd never heard of it before:

"Alien Emergency Medical Programs...An emergency medical program for individuals who do not meet the citizenship or immigration status requirements of other Apple Health programs."

I'm hoping your husband isn't dragging his feet because he's worried about him being deported... he should go by ambulance to the hospital and then go directly into a facility. He needs LTC and from what I read with this insurance, he should qualify. You need to discuss this with his caseworker, assuming he has one.

https://www.dshs.wa.gov/esa/community-services-offices/alien-emergency-medical-programs
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light1989 Mar 2, 2025
Thank you! There is a social worker at dialysis but no one tells us anything. They only tells us to let them know when he has any falls. But I will let my husband know to speak with him.
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Clearly this poor man’s needs are beyond what you can reasonably provide in your home, especially with a little one to raise. Make this clear to your husband, even telling him when you agreed for FIL to return it was underestimated how much more he’d declined and the greater degree of help he’d require. Make it clear this is more than you can handle and raising a child and having a successful marriage is the priority. Counseling is a great idea. I hope you’ll not be taken advantage of and FIL will get the care he needs
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Wow, light! We haven't heard from you since 2020? I just looked and that was the last and only time you wrote us, and FIL was already ill then.
Diabetes takes every single system out and is notorious most of all for stealing sight and for ruining the kidneys.
It sounds as tho FIL is there now and you have been caring for him all this time. I hope to HEAVEN your hubby is his POA and in all these 5 years you have got to an attorney with dad to get a care contract in place.

Now you have a child as well.
This you write us now of seems a SUDDEN turn? If so, it needs now to be checked as far as the possibility of a sudden UTI. Because that will make EVERYTHNG go wonky. In all this time have you learned to do the urine dip sticks? They are cheap and over the counter in a pharmacy, simple and easy to read.

Your FIL has PROVEN his staying power. He is alive with his diabetes 5 years since last you wrote us. I think this is a marriage decision that is primarily driven by your hubby, who is the son, but the problems for hubby puts him smack between a new child he is responsible and a Dad he has ALLOWED to become his responsibility.

In all truth I think the two of you, you and hubby need marriage counseling now. You are not going to be a patient having a new babe to protect; hubby is at rope's end. And the two of you need a good counselor you sit down eye to eye and discuss how long this is sustainable. I think that you need now an honest approach to dad. That you have a child. That you need a life of your own. That he must go into care.

That would be MY position, but of course we all here know I would never have taken this on.
My heart goes out to you. Get a good mediator to discuss this together. It is crucial to your child that you are a united front in defense of this next generation. Good luck to you.
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light1989 Feb 26, 2025
Thank you for your response! Yes it’s been a while! This forum has been a great resource for me too! So FIL was with us from April 2018-May 2021. After pushing for him to leave with his other children thag live 3 hrs away. We had our child in 2023. And at the start of 2024 hubby started bringing up to bringing his dad back with us. I told him I would support it since 3 years had passed, but that he wouldn’t be our responsibility forever. It took a while but he came back in September and ever since then his kids from 3 hours away have not visited or been involved in his care. He always wants to call them and they never ask us about him. One day he was on the phone with them and then I got an urgent message to call an ambulance (I was not home). I rushed home and he was just lost in the room in front of the bathroom, also next to his room. It made me mad. But yes we did have a break from FIL but you’re right, hubby let this become his responsibility. Now one of his sons has left to Florida just like that. I see a counselor for this reason but hubby doesn’t even want to get a hold of Aging and Adult care to see if we qualify for help! Yes we really need to sit down and have therapy about this. I hope I can convince him.
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