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My mom is 91 and in decent health on paper. We've been to the ER twice in the last week, but after all of the tests they've run, she's simply dehydrated. She won't drink enough, or eat enough, on her own to feel better, and gets very emotional and upset if I try to get her to drink more.


She can't get herself out of bed anymore, and she tells me every morning that "she doesn't want to do this anymore" or that she just "want's to die." How long can this go on? Might she come out of it?

Get moms doctor to write a hospice referral for her. If she's ready to go, then she needs comfort meds on board and to stop going to the ER.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My dad had years of congestive heart failure. For most of that time he lived life enjoyably. When it’s long progression made life miserable, added to the continual losses he’d endured of family and friends, and no longer being young enough or energetic enough to do things he once loved, it definitely made him want out of this life. I’m pretty convinced he willed himself out, with some help from CHF. He often told me that despite having family and church he loved, none of it was enough anymore. When we’d discuss upcoming events he’d comment that he wasn’t going to be there for it. With time, I came to really understand. His last week on home hospice he’d often say “how much longer?” as he so wanted to be done. Maybe your mom has reached a similar point. As for how long it can go on, none of us can predict such a thing. And coming out of it seems unlikely. Hold her hand and tell her you understand, even when you might not. It’s okay to have had enough. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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My father was very honest with me in his 90s, but I was an RN and that's likely why. He had always loved life, had lived a good life, was still very in love with my mother, but he told me he was "exhausted with it all" and "longed for the last long nap". He admitted he tried to eat "for your mother" and tried to get up out of bed "for your mother" but really he just want the last rest. He and I talked long and long about it. As to any heroic measures? "Stand between me and the docs with a shotgun, Kid. Don't let them touch me".

It is very common to want to go and be ready and my patients often expressed this and then would sadly say "But my family won't listen, can't hear it, want me to be positive". What an injustice to the dignity of an elder!! They were left with sharing how they felt with a TOTAL stranger.
It is a TORTURE and a TORMENT to try to push food on someone who cannot take it, doesn't want it. Truly, it is selfish, in my humble opinion, and it denies basic human dignity and choice. I am sorry to be so brutally honest but I feel VERY STRONGLY about it, and as I am now 82 even MORE strongly.

I have given you my opinion. You are free to kick it to the curb. But please, this is about your MOM now, and her choice. Please allow it to be so.
As to predictions? Nah. Most medical folk won't make them. You can live a very long time on miniscule amounts of water in many cases.

Good luck. Please let Mom speak her truth if she is able. Please honor her truth and her wishes. I promise you you will feel easier the rest of your life for giving her that last blessing and dignity.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Jacquelinezr Mar 7, 2025
I agree with everything you've written. It's about respecting their wishes and forcing them to eat or drink is, I think, not thinking of them, what they want and what their body is asking for. My mom is almost 90 and I've learned this. Let her eat what and when she wants to eat and drink however much she wants. My goal is that she be comfortable, clean, and safe. I'm 61 and I'm sometimes done and done and ready for the long sleep. I imagine by 90, you are more than ready to move on.
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I would contact a Hospice of your choice.
Failure to Thrive is a valid reason for Hospice to get involved.
also
VSED is also a reason to contact Hospice.
VSED is Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking.
If this is what she wants to do she should have the support of Hospice as well as family.
If you do contact Hospice they will talk to her and if this is what she truly wants to do they will support her.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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JuliaH Mar 7, 2025
I'd just like to ad,hospice told me to keep paying medical premiums incase there was a turn around in my mom's health. I did use it because I sent her to the hospital with C19.
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My dad ate and drank less and less during his last couple of years and the last six months or so, barely anything. He was also very dehydrated. The kind of dementia he had often brings with it swallowing problems. He was also skeletally thin, very weak, low blood pressure, slept a lot, not really interested in anything.

He went to the hospital after some falls and while there, kept telling everyone he wanted to be euthanized. They diagnosed adult failure to thrive. He went on home hospice from there and lived another four months. He was 80 when he died. But everyone is different.

I would recommend hospice and comfort care. Taking care of people like your mother is exactly what they do.

best wishes to you.
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Reply to Suzy23
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ElizabethAR37 Mar 3, 2025
Yes, it's probably time for palliative care and/or hospice, IMO. I'm 88 and sometimes struggle to decide whether or not I want to continue. I'm in pain daily and keeping up with essential tasks for my 95 Y/O spouse and myself takes essentially all the energy I can muster. If I become seriously ill and lose what little get-up 'n go I still have, I most likely would be ready for my Final Exit. I cannot imagine existing day after day in dependency on others with total loss of autonomy, privacy and dignity.
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Everyone is different. When it's their time, it's their time.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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Dehydration affects a lot of different things in the body, and can be the cause for her wanting to give up since she feels so poorly because of it. So if she won't agree to drink more there really isn't much you can do other than bring hospice on board.
Perhaps just having the discussion of bringing hospice on board might make her look at things differently and agree to drink more, if she's really not wanting to die yet, but if she is ready to just call it quits hospice is your best bet, as they will keep her comfortable until she dies.
At 91 I am sure she is tired of it all. I perhaps would be as well if I get to live that long.
And only the Good Lord knows the day and time that He will call your mom Home, so for now just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I have nothing but respect for all who replied to your situation with your mother. Those who deal directly with loved ones and who truly love them, will understand regardless of what they themselves think. When you love another person, you put what they want first. You are supportive and just there for them. Read the Winnie the Pooh stories about loved one’s who just want someone to sit with them when life gets difficult. No one wants to live by someone else’s rules. You cannot ever know what another person really feels or wants. We spend our lives trying to protect others from our true feelings or trying to make other’s be positive because that is what WE need. Dying is the last act of life. Give your loved one deserved control and support. It is not about you or anyone else. Do not judge. Be happy they have found the peace to accept the end. Let them go on their own terms. Just sit with them and hold their hand. Find the peace that passes understanding.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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Is this a real question or is staff rephrasing?
110% of us have experienced a loved one 'simply' giving up.

I sense the question is how are you going to cope / manage the grief you will feel, whenever your mom transitions.

I ask you why you are wanting her to - or concerned with her 'come out of it?' in other words, what is your motivation or emotional/psychological pull to keep her alive at 91, esp if she says she is ready to go.

No one of us can know how a person feels inside when losing their facilities, their independence, in pain and feeling miserable day after day, moment after moment. (I believe) a person KNOWs when it is time to go. They may be intensely afraid of the transition or they may will it to happen.

While hard to write and hard to hear ... There comes a time when family needs to put their loved one first and honor their feelings vs wanting them 'here' with us for our own needs. Clearly, it is one of the hardest experiences in life to lose a parent - to grieve this huge loss. And, yet. It is the most respectful, loving gesture / mindset we can have - let them be at peace - let them go ... if this is what they want.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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My Dear Friend, I greatly appreciate your situation. I took care of my mom for the last four years of her life on a full time basis and the day before my mom passed, she stopped drinking. Although I was trying to get her to drink, she was pushing the straw away and was not interested. I should have realized that the end was near but I was so wrapped up in the moment that I felt bad about her not wanting to keep pushing on.

To answer your question, in general, once a loved one refuses to drink, the body usually can't survive more than a couple of days. I wish you much peace at this time.
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