My mom is 91 and in decent health on paper. We've been to the ER twice in the last week, but after all of the tests they've run, she's simply dehydrated. She won't drink enough, or eat enough, on her own to feel better, and gets very emotional and upset if I try to get her to drink more.
She can't get herself out of bed anymore, and she tells me every morning that "she doesn't want to do this anymore" or that she just "want's to die." How long can this go on? Might she come out of it?
Best of luck to you.
It is very common to want to go and be ready and my patients often expressed this and then would sadly say "But my family won't listen, can't hear it, want me to be positive". What an injustice to the dignity of an elder!! They were left with sharing how they felt with a TOTAL stranger.
It is a TORTURE and a TORMENT to try to push food on someone who cannot take it, doesn't want it. Truly, it is selfish, in my humble opinion, and it denies basic human dignity and choice. I am sorry to be so brutally honest but I feel VERY STRONGLY about it, and as I am now 82 even MORE strongly.
I have given you my opinion. You are free to kick it to the curb. But please, this is about your MOM now, and her choice. Please allow it to be so.
As to predictions? Nah. Most medical folk won't make them. You can live a very long time on miniscule amounts of water in many cases.
Good luck. Please let Mom speak her truth if she is able. Please honor her truth and her wishes. I promise you you will feel easier the rest of your life for giving her that last blessing and dignity.
Failure to Thrive is a valid reason for Hospice to get involved.
also
VSED is also a reason to contact Hospice.
VSED is Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking.
If this is what she wants to do she should have the support of Hospice as well as family.
If you do contact Hospice they will talk to her and if this is what she truly wants to do they will support her.
He went to the hospital after some falls and while there, kept telling everyone he wanted to be euthanized. They diagnosed adult failure to thrive. He went on home hospice from there and lived another four months. He was 80 when he died. But everyone is different.
I would recommend hospice and comfort care. Taking care of people like your mother is exactly what they do.
best wishes to you.
Perhaps just having the discussion of bringing hospice on board might make her look at things differently and agree to drink more, if she's really not wanting to die yet, but if she is ready to just call it quits hospice is your best bet, as they will keep her comfortable until she dies.
At 91 I am sure she is tired of it all. I perhaps would be as well if I get to live that long.
And only the Good Lord knows the day and time that He will call your mom Home, so for now just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her.
110% of us have experienced a loved one 'simply' giving up.
I sense the question is how are you going to cope / manage the grief you will feel, whenever your mom transitions.
I ask you why you are wanting her to - or concerned with her 'come out of it?' in other words, what is your motivation or emotional/psychological pull to keep her alive at 91, esp if she says she is ready to go.
No one of us can know how a person feels inside when losing their facilities, their independence, in pain and feeling miserable day after day, moment after moment. (I believe) a person KNOWs when it is time to go. They may be intensely afraid of the transition or they may will it to happen.
While hard to write and hard to hear ... There comes a time when family needs to put their loved one first and honor their feelings vs wanting them 'here' with us for our own needs. Clearly, it is one of the hardest experiences in life to lose a parent - to grieve this huge loss. And, yet. It is the most respectful, loving gesture / mindset we can have - let them be at peace - let them go ... if this is what they want.
Gena / Touch Matters
To answer your question, in general, once a loved one refuses to drink, the body usually can't survive more than a couple of days. I wish you much peace at this time.
See All Answers