My 92 yr old mother in law has dementia and is unsafe to stay at home. I have power of attorney for her. My husband is her only child and we are her only family.
We had in-home health care coming for a few months, but she refused to let them in. We have cameras in her home to help us make sure she is safe, but we are realizing this is no longer safe for her. She is very distrusting of anyone, won't let anyone in, and refuses to leave her home.
She has been evaluated by several health care workers — her primary care doctor, several nurses, and a rehab facility she was in after a fall — who all say she needs to be in memory care.
How can we get her there? She is very angry with us for telling her she needs help and will not let us come into her home anymore, so now she won't let us assist her at all. I pay all her bills, have groceries sent, etc., but I am unable to physically help her.
She can talk a good talk for a little while and can easily convince someone she is fine until you start asking questions. Then it becomes obvious. We had an appointment with a neurologist to determine the severity of her demintia, but we could not get her to go. We live 3 hours away from her.
You could let her live at home as she wishes, until an emergency forces her to be taken to the hospital. You could set up cameras in her home, just to check on her, in case she falls or is incapacitated in any way and can't get to a phone to call for help.
If it was up to me, I'd choose option 2. She is adamant about not leaving her home, and it will end badly, but it is her choice. An emergency trip to the hospital will get her out of her house, and from the hospital, she can be discharged to a suitable care home.
* I'm assuming that's the trouble, that even though you have POA, and arrange for her to move to memory care, she simply won't go, and you can't physically force her into the car. Forcing her into a car against her will could be dangerous for everyone involved. Not only the physical scuffle of getting her in the car, but once inside, she could open the door and try to get out while the car is moving. She would. Believe me.
My husband with dementia has done it several times. Unfastens his seat belt and opens the car door on the freeway. Fortunately, he has not fallen out! But I learned just how loud I can yell!
I pray and hope you can work through this and if so, please post your success stories…in fact, I need to search this site (which has provided SO MUCH HELP, THANK YOU - side note) to see if there is a Success Story section that can maybe give me hope because I am losing all hope quickly.
Be strong and good luck, and bless you!
At some point their self-will weakens but until then a person's choices should be honored.
We did have access to an Alexa machine (monitor not audio) where I could see and talk to her. From a distance you can see and talk to her directly.
What my brother did since our mother was increasing in short term memory he had TWO doctors agree and gave him the complete POA medical control for our mother. Of course, my brother wants to keep our mother in the house and she wants to stay until she dies.
Does your mother-in-law have a button necklace to press in case of falling, etc.? Of course she'd have to remember to use it in case of a fall. But if you had direct contact through an Alexa machine you could always call AND/OR encourage her to press the button.
You aren't in an easy position but be as proactive as you can.
Yes, APS stands for Adult Protective Services. Caregivers often come across other abbreviations too, such as ADLs (Activities of Daily Living), POA (Power of Attorney), DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), and SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility). If you ever need help understanding one, feel free to ask!
So, you don't take them there, the facility takes them there.
For your situation; consider all options before the MC. It is a lonely place where there are many people who cannot communicate or communicate jibberish. If your mom is not that advanced, she may act out, get medicated to not get kicked out and it will be hard on you and on her. No matter what you are told it will change in the facilities. My mom move from Al to MC and before she moved there because she was a flight risk, I had private caregivers to be her friend. She is introverted and doesnt socialize much but when she did in MC, she told me “these people are a lot of work”. No ability to have a friend or companion. Mom has been in 2 MC. One didn’t allow cameras in her room and I spent a great deal of time there to find no one checked on her, she was getting UTI’s, she was very isolated because the population were unable to communicate. The private caregivers were there 1/2 days. It was all she could afford. The second MC is much better with a camera in her room and prompt responses to my texts if I need someone. Mom could not live on her own but in the wrong MC (agonizing guilt) it is a bleak existence. Mom took to her bed in the 1st MC that ignored her and the second MC, while much better has the same level of isolation for her. She has lost her words but understands what is said. Her best companions are her caregivers who talk to her and engage her. Then she sleeps when they leave. They are with her 50 hours a week.
I called EMS and told them she had fallen and she can't live on her own. They came to check her out and told me her vital signs were good, and as far as they could tell, she was doing well. She refused to go with them for further evaluation, and they told me, "Listen. we cannot make your aunt go anywhere if she refuses. It's her right".
I got totally frustrated with her and the family who live close to her and I got rid of the POA. She's hot mad at me, and the family who live closer to her have left me alone, and no longer want to be "besties" (Sarcasm here).
I felt I did all I could and was tired of butting heads with everyone. EMS was no help at all to me despite me begging them to take a look at her. Someone told me to call them, but they were absolutely no help. She looks horrible and isn't in her right mind at all. How can you tell me she's doing fine? How could you see the condition of her home and say she's doing fine, as far as you're concerned?
What I had to do was walk away, as cruel as it sounds, but it was for my own sanity. I refuse to prop her up with false independence and be at her beck and call.
She's still home, and my cousins tell me, "she's doing fine, coming along" and deep down I know this isn't true at all.
i had to take a back step with my father when he was refusing food
it was as if he was being extra perverse ignoring family. But would listen to someone else
id reach out to health specialists to see if they will talk to her
or offer some kind of solution
this isn’t a novel behaviour sitter. So they shd be qualified to help
mat w they or someone else can talk about the benefits of always having someone around and arrange a day/night stay where she can see they’re not the enemy
so many feel that’s the walk of death for them
she needs to be persuaded by someone that it’s actually a nice place and she’ll still have her privacy
I think family to family - she won’t listen
seek healthcare specialist
end of day if she remains stubborn and is a danger to herself she will be involuntarily removed from her home
even a day visit when she ca. see others
maybe speak to a centre and see what they can offer
mother prob is quite afraid of the concept and what she has heard about them in the past
Good luck
When a person has dementia, you do not 'listen' to them in terms of what is in their best interest / welfare and safety. They do not know and 'make' decisions based on 'in the moment' and fear and do not want anything to change. This is their world. They do not want it changed.
A person with dementia should never be living alone. Google TEEPA SNOW, watch her webinars, You Tubes, buy her book(s).
You and your husband need to take control of this situation.
* You expect her to not want to move.
* You realize she is confused and scared.
* You tell her you're taking her out to a garden, the park, lunch - or whatever will get her into the car and you go.
* When there, you tell her you are 'visiting a friend' there.
* You do not engage her when she makes her feelings known. In other words, you say "I hear you." "Okay, I understand, you xxx (reflect her words back to her).
Finally, you will need legal and medical authorization / authority to move her, which sounds like you already have that. You make arrangements ... get a room prepared (bring in her own pictures, furniture - as you can to make it more 'familiar' to her).
Of course she won't want to go to a neurologist! If you were scared and confused, would you want to go to a neurologist to be tested for (the) dementia (you have)? No.
This is why you tell her she is going out for a nice outing that you know she'd enjoy.
You must realize that you and your husband need to make decisions for her. She is cognitively unable to do that (as you know).
You 'show' respect by helping her get her needs met (safe place).
I realize you want to respect her as if she doesn't have dementia. She does.
You do not communicate the same way with a person who has dementia.
If you do not get her out of the house... you will need to wait for another fall wherein she is taken to the hospital and then goes directly into a memory care unit. (This is what happened to my client; so fell and someone on the street heard her screaming ... it was then the hospital and then to memory care). She was very well cared for there. I visited her weekly for two years. She knew who I was ... she spoke gibberish. "KNOW" that even if a person's brain is scrambled, they know inside that you care. Learn the non-verbal communication(s) through Teepa's website or others.
Gena / Touch Matters
hood luck!
You can also call the police on a regular basis to have them do a wellness check, and they too after so many times having to check on her will report her to the proper authorities.
Call your MIL’s County Area Agency of Aging . They will send a social worker. Ask them to tell you when they will arrive . You can sit in your car just out of sight . When the social worker arrives you can use your key and let him/her in the house . I’m assuming you have a key .
Actually when I did this , I did not think my mother would let the social worker in the house either . But the social worker said she has a way to be convincing. She did and Mom let her in , without me there ( the social worker preferred I not be there for the first visit ). The social worker told me that she interviewed Mom . She asked Mom “ What would you do if…..,? For several scenarios . The social worker said that Mom could not “ come up with a plan “ regarding the emergency scenarios . Mom was deemed unsafe to live alone .
The social worker scheduled to return in 2 weeks with a “ strong man “ to persuade ( physically remove if necessary ) Mom from home and bring her to a facility that I had previously chosen . The social worker arranged the day and time with the facility .
Before the 2 weeks was up though Mom ended up in the hospital . I told the social worker at the hospital what was to occur . She spoke to the social worker from the Agency of Aging . Mom was discharged to her assisted living facility directly from the hospital . The AL was able to get her room ready a few days early . I had Mom taken via medical transport van because she would have refused to get out of my car if I had taken her .
1) You call 911 and tell them she's "not acting normal" and may have an untreated UTI (because they won't come for "dementia" since that's not treatable and not a medical emergency). Once in the ER you tell the she lives alone, is paranoid and won't let anyone help her. Even though you're her PoA you've tried to get her other help, to no avail. She is an "unsafe discharge" to the Discharge Planner. Do not take her back to her home under any circumstances, even if the hospital makes promises or even threatens you. Say no and do not take her back to her home. Then ask to talk to the hospital social worker. Tell her you'd like her to be discharged directly into a facility. Or, the hospital moves her to their psych wing where she'll stay until compliant with meds for her agitation/anxiety/paranoia
2) you stop helping her at all and allow things to collapse. Then call APS and tell them she won't let you help her. They will help get her into a facility.