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I take care of my boyfriends mom full time, I am also a RN. She lives with her son and I. She declines so often now (Dementia) her care is constantly changing and we are adjusting as necessary. Her other son and daughter law live about 7 hours away so do not see her often. We have asked them on occasion to take her for us ( He was having surgery double knee replacement, my daughter had been in an accident and needed me for care and Dr. appointments, and at the time i was working 3-11). I had my hands full to say the least. Anyway they agreed and we brought her up to them and handed her off with instructions of care and all that goes with that. To keep this short they did not follow any instructions and basicaly did what they wanted. and brought her back 10 days later stating she kept saying "I want to go home" (which she does all the time with us as well).We have a trip coming up and they again agreed to take her, only this time we will be out of the country and they wont be able to just bring her back when it gets hard with her. I again have a list of instructions for her care but I am so worried that they wont follow it and something is going to happen to her while there. ( they did not listen or follow instructions last time)I understand its HIS mom and they can so as they see fit, but I do not want what could go wrong, the avoidable, preventable things to happen.I need help as to how to approach them to help them understand the importance of the precautions that are in place and to follow through with keeping her as routine as possible and follow the listed instructions that are there for her safety and health.She is near end stage. She does not know anyone anymore and can't voice needs, unaware of needs and safety.
Any helpful advice is appreciatedTIA

You can't control what anyone else does.

You could use the mother's money to pay for a caregiver to come into their home for a few hours a day while she's there, if you think they need help with things like showering and dressing her and sorting out her medications.

But sometimes you just have to let go of the reins and put it out of your mind so that you can relax and enjoy your well-earned time off.
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Reply to MG8522
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Accept the help you’re provided or use her money to pay for other help. You cannot change or control the actions of others. So many questions here begin with some variation of “how to convince someone” to ……. and the short answer is “you can’t” I hope you can find the plans that works best for you and mom
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I think that you either have to come to acceptance of knowledge you already have from past experiences or come to acceptance that you cannot return her where you already know problems may occur with you out of the country and helpless to address them.
There's just no way around the facts here. As far as I can figure this out you have two choices:
1. Place mom with relatives hoping that past experience won't repeat itself
2. Place mom in respite and pay for that care.

Wish I saw a third option. I just don't. You cannot predict what might happen. I would hate to think it ruined your vacation. And on the other hand, even in care, you cannot predict what might happen. There could be a fall, an injury, just about anything. The future is just an unknown, even at best.
Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Many years ago I was a nanny to my nephews and when I took a holiday I provided several pages detailing our daily routines for their grandmother, today I look back at that and cringe!
When I was a full time caregiver for my mom I had to be out of the country so I placed mom in respite care at a facility and it was a sh!t show and not because the care was poor, the simple reality was that by the time everyone got to know each other and figure out what worked best for everyone it was time to go home.
Be grateful you have family willing to help you out, so many do not. Just because your routines work for you doesn't mean they will be appropriate for them, trust that they are competent adults and they can figure out. I get that you feel protective of her but the world will not end if there is a little chaos while you are away.
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Reply to cwillie
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