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She has no savings. Has to pay caregiver. $20/hr, $300/mo visa bill, groceries utilities, taxes. She hasn’t found a skilled nursing facility she likes. She planned on selling her home to pay for that. She is very particular. So I’m loaning her money every month and she normally pays it back but recently it has been more borrowing and less paying back. What to do?

Since she has options for where to go and an ability to pay by selling her house, you can stop lending her money without guilt. That will actually help her by prompting her to made a decision and get the long-term plan underway.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 10, 2024
Thank you!
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Please stop lending her money. As you can see it is unsustainable and you will probably never see that money again -- no matter what she promises.

She's the one that needs to take the risk, not you. She needs to find a place and then sell her house. Do not give her another penny.

She is 75 yrs old and should know how to budget by now. You can help her find out what social services are available to her. If she's bedbound and cannot use a wheelchair then she probably is a candidate for LTC which can be covered by Medicaid plus her SS income. She needs to first sell her house and go into a good facility on private pay. Then, when her money is a few months from running out she applies for Medicaid and can stay in the same facility as long as she checked first to ensure they accept Medicaid recipients.

I feel sorry for her caregiver because eventually she won't get paid, either.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 10, 2024
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I think that you as an adult can decide what best to do about someone you loan money to, who doesn't pay it back.

Please refer this woman in need to APS or family members who might be able to help her with future needs.

Best out to you; clearly you have a good heart, but your head needs to tell you that it will take you a LIFETIME of careful saving and good luck to be able to afford not to be in this poor woman's position in future.

Good luck.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 10, 2024
Thank you. True.
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Stop enabling a user. That is what you do.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 10, 2024
You’re right!
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What does your cousins weight have to do with you loaning her money? She can join the club since 40.3% of adults in the USA are obese, and 12.9% are severely obese. Americans sure love super sized portions, drive thru windows and grazing on snacks.

Stop loaning your cousin money she's not paying back. That's giving her money when she owns a home she can sell. That's my suggestion.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 10, 2024
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
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IMO you need to stop supporting this untenable situation. She needs to get on with the next phase of her life, which is finding a facility where she can be cared for and selling her home to pay for it. I am mystified as to why you started loaning her money in the first place. It just puts off the inevitable.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 14, 2024
She inherited her home from her mom and $300,000 from an aunt so she decided to remodel the home. Unfortunately she was scammed by the contractor and it took five years to finish. She had to borrow to pay a new contractor. When she moved in, I was happy for her then health emergency , hospital,& nursing home. She had physical therapy and it was dreadfully painful. The staff said she shouldn’t live alone. I don’t have any say over what she does and she went back home. You’re right. I never should have loaned her money. It did delay the inevitable. Thank you for your response.
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Lending her money is allowing her to say ‘no, not good enough’ to the only options she really has. Start asking her to repay the existing debt. Almost everyone will grasp any excuse to avoid going into care. Your ‘loans’ are her excuses. Putting financial pressure on her will speed up her making a sensible choice.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 14, 2024
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Thanks for the update.

I am hoping you've gotten the loans in writing (and signed by her) so that when she pays you back from the sale of her home, it doesn't look like gifting. If not, I'd do this immediately. Leverage any future help if she doesn't want to sign anything.

In fact, you should rent a storage locker and have her pay for 2 or more years in advance for it. No way should you be storing her crap in your garage of continue to be her lackey. Start using the word "No".
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“I’m resentful, unappreciated even used” Yes, you absolutely are, and only you can put a stop to it. Stop dancing to the tune of a bed bound manipulative person. Her demands are not your commands. Don’t store her stuff or meet her expectations for more help or money. She’s in this position for a reason, a reason you cannot and should not attempt to fix. I’m sorry you’ve been used and hope you won’t choose to be again
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You might consider going to a therapist to find out why you need to keep obeying and "rescuing" this cousin at your own expense. This is a codependent relationship and therefore not healthy. You are very enmeshed with her and it's costing you a lot in several ways, I don't mean to be unkind but rather, realistic.

She seems to be sucking you in more and more. Your best course is to stop enabling her and set firm boundaries as to what, if any, help you will give her. She won't like it but then you don't like what is happening to you, and you are every bit as important as she is. Your job is first and foremost to look after yourself. No one else can do that.

There are very good suggestion in posts here. You need to protect yourself from this person who is taking advantage of you. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Time to put a stop to that and put yourself and your needs first. Take steps towards that and take care of you.
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