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This woman. Dementia. Not her fault, she can't help it. Dementia. 3 hours ago, she went on facebook and said her daughters are cruel to her. So, I called her and asked what my sister and I have done that she feels is cruel. She denied saying it at all. Several times. Then said, my sister said terrible cruel things to her, calling her stupid. So, I said, okay, when I come to see you, I want to see those messages. She then said, well, I just erased them. Sooooooo, the truth? My sister did NOT say those things. This is just Mom looking for attention again, and turning to facebook to get that sympathy by lying about her children. Can she really "not help it?" Because this is just CLEARLY bold faced lying. I've told my sister from now on, we just have to completely ignore her facebook posts. Let her pity play all she wants. What do we care what the people on her friends list thinks? But, What part of dementia makes them Bold faced lie and say mean things about their family, that they know takes care of them, and is not cruel. Sorry, no. This is not confabulation. This is lying. And intentionally hurtful lying at that. So, what part of dementia is this and what kind of dementia is this, because this is so very different from what all the literature says. This is not misplacing something and accusing someone of taking it. This is not filling in gaps in memory. This is 100 percent intentional telling lies that are 100 percent meant to be hurtful. What is going on here? What kind of dementia makes them throw their children under the bus so maliciously?

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I have experienced the same with my mother. Lots of confabulations but some are clearly calculated lies. Extortion.
I see her dementia as not just losing how, but also why. If she has a goal (getting attention, getting me to comply) there is no limit to the depths she will sink to in order in order to get way. No societal filter. No remorse. She has used threats of lying to the police to have one of my children arrested if I didn’t do her bidding. And couldn’t see (or didn’t care) why my husband and I were outraged. In her mind, it was simply another weapon in her arsenal.
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lkdrymom Feb 9, 2025
This is so true. My father loved his trips to the ER. It was an outing for him. His favorite illness was constipation. But his AL would not send him to the ER for that so he would tell them he fell and hit his head so they would send him.
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I know people say it is just a broken brain and to not take it personally but that is just too hard to do. It still hurts. Broken brain or not. Unfriend her on Facebook and if you can adjust her settings so that no one can see them. My feeling is that if she is able to navigate Facebook her brain can't be that broken. She just wants to stir up sympathy for her.
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Unless your Mother told lies before, this is part of her Dementia. Its weird the thoughts they have. The things they say they never would have said if they didn't have Dementia. And in her dying mind, she may think you don't help as much as she thinks you should. They have short-term memory loss. She may not remember 5 minutes after you left that you were there.

You can read all the books you want but Dementia is a unpredictable thing. No rhyme or reason to it. Your best bet, chalk it up to the desease. Just let it go. As things worsen, Mom will be in her own little world. Reality, dreams and the TV will be her reality. She will not be able to know the difference between them.
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Some of these folks are just nasty pieces of work, dementia or no dementia.

I have an older sister who has been conniving all of her life. She would tell horrible lies on me. When she went to the rehab, she wanted me to be POA. I was like; no way! Her two daughters went on facebook sending off handed comments through my brother's page. I blocked all of them. I didn't defriend my brother. So, I guess they can see me through his page. They've always had this dynamic.

Block her and don't defend yourself against her accusations to people. It's not worth getting yourself upset over her nonsense.

I've heard of family members taking telephones away from these senior brats because they can cause such a ruckus.
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mommabeans Feb 23, 2025
If you blocked them on Facebook, they can't see your posts or even your comments on your brother's posts.
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It hurts. It is awful, and I feel for you. I know how that feels.

But… my mother’s last Mother’s Day, I couldn’t go up to see her. I sent her flowers. I sent her chocolates and a card. I called her and we had a wonderful conversation. She was pleased with the gifts. It was all good.

A few hours later she called another relative, sobbing, saying I had come to her place (assisted living apartment), and screamed and swore at her. I hadn’t even been there!

Which was real to her? Was she lying? Or did she really believe what she said?
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mommabeans Feb 23, 2025
Honestly, I think she was purposefully lying. Of course, I don't know your mom, but it sounds just like mine and I KNOW she does this kind of thing to make people feel sorry for her. You didn't visit her so she's hurt about that, so to get sympathy from others she tells a fantastic lie that paints you in a bad light. I think it's "normal" projection and deflection, that all humans do, to some extent. I think some part of their brain recognizes that someone else might ask what THEY did to cause their family to not "want to visit." They take it as a personal insult. A statement of their self worth. But to protect their very damaged ego, they make up the lie that YOU hurt THEM to justify in their minds why you wouldn't want to visit.
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I would post under her FB post that mom has cognitive issues and that the post isn’t true.

If you can gain access to her FB account, you can change her privacy settings for her posts to her only so she will think she is posting to all her friends but no one except herself will see the posts. So she will think she is posting.
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ShirleyDot Feb 8, 2025
I agree. Log into her account and change settings. It's hard to ignore and it is slander against you. I might be tempted to lock her out completely but I think changing her settings as suggested here might do the trick.
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I truly feel your pain!! I don’t know how it happens but it’s happening to my mother right now, My mother has not been formally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or Dementia, but at 88 she has become an unbelievably mean spirited tall tale teller. We try to ignore it, but my husband and I hear her on the phone telling all kinds of untrue stories — even about he and I. Mind you, she lives with us. When asked about something she said or has done, she doesn’t tell the truth or she makes up an another story blaming someone else.

Thank goodness your sister knows the truth. In this day of attention seeking, I’m just thankful Mom is not on the internet.
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Because she can. And she gets major attention from you being upset and trying to defend yourself.

Seriously, just "Unfriend" her on Facebook, so she can't see what you do, and you won't read her lies and get totally upset.

Why care about her friends (and what they think) on Facebook? If she keeps it up, then start pulling back on doing so much for Mom. You don't reward bad behavior.
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Was she always this way, even before dementia? (You said, "looking for attention again.") Or was she kind, loving, and appreciative before the dementia?
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mommabeans Feb 23, 2025
To a certain extent. She's always been such a victim. She's always been "so incapable of being wrong." She had this weird thing where she would apologize profusely for things that weren't her fault or just things she didn't need to apologize for, but if it was something that was her fault and/or she should apologize, she was now being treated so badly to expect that from her. Things that were her fault were never her fault. OR she just couldn't/wouldn't see why what she did was such a problem. And she has never been able to tell a straight story in her life. She has always added in details that didn't happen, or changed the details, even if the story wasn't about her. You couldn't trust her to keep a secret. And you couldn't trust her to tell that secret in the way it was told to her. She always made everything a bigger deal than it was. BUT, she didn't do these things anywhere NEAR as often as she does now. "It's always something with her" use to be once a year, once every two years....Now, it's EVERY GD week. And it wasn't blatant lies. Just exaggerations. Just a twisting of the real story. Now, it's BLATANT lies.
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Could have nothing to do with dementia, some ppl just get nastier with age, my mother being one.
She does not have dementia, just normal age-related issues. She has been a nasty, narcissist all her life, she is just worse now.
I no longer have anything to do with her, nor does anyone else in the family except my brother, who had to step in when I went MIA. I do support him behind the scenes as he is getting the brunt of her meanness.
Fortunately, she does not know how to use a computer or cell phone, if she did we would have to take it away from her.
She is in AL, 99 years old, they say "Only the good die young" might be true in her instance.
Might be time to back away from her she will not change.
Sending support your way.
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Lisabee63 Feb 8, 2025
I feel your pain. I am so glad I found this forum. I have started looking for support groups in my area because I knew there had to be someone else who is dealing with the same issues my husband and I are related to caring for aging parents who are living in your home!!
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All kinds of dementia make them do it.
Any kind of dementia makes them do it.
They have broken brains.
Now if you are telling me they were ALWAYS cruel and awful, then I would wonder why you are still standing witness to their chaos.
Because honestly, momma, Dementia is the REAL DEAL with get-out-of-jail-free-card. And that card is bought at an AWFUL price.
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mommabeans Feb 23, 2025
I don't know why I'm still standing witness. I love my mom. That's probably the answer. Despite all the of the lifelong chaos and manipulation tactics, the victimhood, I still love her. But, I'm starting to understand why so many Dementia Unit residents at Memory Care facilities and SNFs don't get visitors. I've spent nearly 17 years complaining about these families who have "abandoned" their loved one. And I'm starting to realize now why they have. I think the Silent Generation and Baby Boomer Generation that are the people living with Dementia now was just really messed up people as generations anyway. And families are no longer willing to sacrifice their own health and sanity, after so many years of it, only for it be so much worse now.
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