My 84 yr. old mom lives in isolation, struggles w/trauma related to her childhood has become abusive towards my brother and I. At a loss.
My mom has become consumed with anger & hatred towards her dysfunctional parents ,certain people in her past & now my brother & I who are respectively 57 & 61. She lives alone in a house that is around the corner from my brother. He moved her 3 yrs. ago because of the misery she felt living in our home town. I have dedicated the majority of my life trying to fill the emotional void & pain in her heart. She just completed chemotherapy after a splenectomy related to endometrial cancer she had 13 yrs. ago. Our relationship has always been highly co-dependent but I love her with all my heart & would do anything to help. In the past year, she has lived almost completely isolated with the exception of one neighborhood friend, my brother & myself. My brother has a very stressful job & is not able to fulfill her needs on a daily basis. I live 2 hrs. away.
The best way to summarize the situation is that she absolutely no longer wants to live. The things she once loved, she is no longer able to do. She still drives but only to the grocery & drug store. She has had a little dog since 2017 when her husband died who is her only companion. She has been consumed with grief her entire life because of her childhood & the fact that my brother left home early to pursue an aviation career. She is obsessed with trying to form a bond w/him before she dies. He is a private, somewhat emotionally reserved individual who does not provide her with the relationship she yearns for. He has tried throughout the last 3 yrs. to the best of his ability to pacify her but it's not enough. My love & presence have never been enough. I have listened to his shortcomings, have made every effort to distract her continual preoccupation w/the way he lives his life, to no avail. Since the recent completion of her chemo, she naturally has felt weak but for an 84 year old, w/the exception of cancer, she has been exceptionally fortunate for her mobility & ability to do many things the average 84 yr. old person is unable to do. This has slightly changed since her recent bout w/cancer. She has no gratitude.
Until recently, I spoke with her daily...sometimes for hours. As mentioned, she is entirely unhappy with my brother but is now expressing complete rage when she speaks to me. We don't know how to proceed. It is obvious that she needs someone to assist two, three or four days a wk. w/general tasks that cause great distress...such as making appts, going to the grocery store, taking care of veterinarian appointments, using the computer etc. She is definitely in need of a mood stabilizer, anti depressant or both but is resistant. She attempts to justify her anger & entitlement to act out because of her age & because she was always a 'good mother.' We don't know if this extreme anger & pre-occupation with death is a sign of dementia...or if that matters. Her cognitive ability to communicate & formulate logic & everyday decisions does not seem impaired...her memory & forgetfulness only slightly.
I'm at a loss as her daughter because I can no longer communicate with her. Her anger & hatred towards her brother, my brother, her niece & other people who were once a part of her life is intolerable. She screams over my voice, says vile & disturbing things that would mortify most people & is entirely resistant to therapy or adapting any kind of perspective that might provide some sense of peace in her life & for those around her...namely my brother & I. Perhaps she is uncapable.It has been extremely difficult to see her approach the end of her life w/so much grief. I've dealt with treatment resistant depression my entire life so I thankfully have a therapist to confide in. The last 2 wks. have been nothing but unbearable rage. This has caused problems in my marriage & effected my mental health. My brother is now experiencing difficulty going to work. He is a pilot. We don't know what to do. Any advice w/b extremely appreciated. I feel the situation is getting dangerous.
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You are and never were responsible for her happiness , no matter what trauma she went through, or the fact that she is grieving the losses of aging and impending death , which we all experience should we live long and decline slow . I learned this the hard way .
Your mother has no right to try to make others live their lives the way she sees fit , including your brother. My mother was like this too , complete with guilt trips .
I suggest you step back and call and let APS or your mother’s County Area Agency of Aging deal with your mother’s care needs . Your mother is stubborn . I, myself am absolutely fed up from/with stubborn elders in my family . Let the government deal with her . She will continue to make your life a living hell . BTDT with my own lifelong mentally ill mother . Save yourself . And tell your brother to step back and save himself too . You and your brother need to set boundaries .
My mother also thought she was entitled to act out and demand I obey her because “ I am your mother “. Do not take on POA for someone like this . Trust me , it’s a mistake , while you are so vulnerable to her controlling you .
Your brother can deal (or not) with her insanity. He needs to focus on himself and his career, despite his Mother being "mad" (jealous) of him about it? Her toxic behavior could be a UTI, a mini-stroke, brain anuerism..or just plain attention seeking drama.
It's not your fault she has eventually gotten old and sick. None of us like aging or welcome it. The situation can get dangerous if you continue to enable your Mother with her obsessions and toxic rage. You may need to contact her county APS to report a mentally ill senior with terrible rage and obsession with dying. Possibly even the police do a wellness check?
Back off, don't answer the phone. Hang up when the tirades start. You are not her solution, or her punching bag. Nobody is forcing her toxic behavior, she is manipulating you and your brother. Stay strong.
Talli, you have this.
You know this.
You are stuck in habits that suck at you like quicksand. You can do this and you have a caring supportive hubby to help you.
You will be so proud of yourself. Trust me. The first time you stand for yourself it feels really awkward, and I remember the first time I stood for myself word by word. But it gets easier and easier and easier and finally it is natural and a new GOOD habit.
Thanks for letting us know anything we could say in support might help, and for being so participative in the Forum. It makes you REAL to us.
Good luck! Update us if you will?
She clearly needs psychiatric help, and as you said, medications. Tell her you will no longer be treated with anger and abuse, and that you will not visit or talk with her on the phone until she does so. The minute she starts to rage, politely say goodbye and hang up. Every time. Don't answer your phone when you see that it's her. If she leaves you a civil voice mail, call her back. It not, then don't.
If she sounds like she's having a dangerous meltdown, call 911 in her city and tell them there is a senior who is a danger to herself. Let them take her in for a psychiatric evaluation. Don't go. Let them update you by phone.
After spending your whole life trying to placate her, you deserve some happiness with your husband and friends.
https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-mother-types
Labeling one child as “golden” or “savior” and the other as “devil” is common with BPD mothers. And also the labels can switch. Acting helpless and being paranoid and isolated are both common with BPD as is general manipulation. Now that she’s old, it seems more “real” but I bet it was always there.
The vast majority of BPD stems from trauma. Whatever the nature of her problem, your mother in turn shared trauma with you. Not necessarily consciously or deliberately.
good luck!
There isn't a BPD mother type, no matter what this blog states.
BPD is a recognised mental health condition, like any other. People dealing with this are diverse and not of a type.
How you can stand to even talk to your very mentally disturbed mom, after all she's put you and your brother through is beyond me.
You say you have a therapist which I'm glad to hear, but I'm not sure they're doing their job if you are still enmeshed in this toxic relationship. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean that you owe her a darn thing.
And how sad that you say that you spent the majority of your life "trying to fill the emotional void and pain in her heart." What about the pain and emotional void in your own heart???
Please just stop the insanity already, and tell your brother to move far far away so his job isn't jeopardized because of the mental distress he's under. And you need to stay away as well.
If your mom wants to die, let the woman die.
The fact that you admit that you have a "co-dependent" relationship with your mom, forces me to ask the question why? What has she done that was so wonderful that she deserves you other than give you birth?
Just because someone gives us birth doesn't mean that they deserve anything from us. And then throw in abuse and it lowers the bar even lower.
Until you are willing to step away, nothing will change, and the fact that you're sadly co-dependent with this woman leads me to believe that things will continue as they are now. And that to me is heartbreaking, as you deserve so much better. But I don't think you believe that.
You aren't responsible for mothers and brothers and everyone else; you are responsible for you, and that's where I think you should now concentrate.
As someone who has dealt twice with cancer I have to tell you that your mother's determination to be unhappy has little to do either with her childhood or with her current disease and familial relationship problems. Her unhappiness and determination to burden others is a world of her OWN construct, and it is working very very well for her.
Your own enmeshment in this is also something done by choice. You are a grownup now and responsible, no matter your childhood grooming, for making a good life for yourself, and for any you bring into this world.
My own personal opinion is that my old-sage advice of moving 1,000 miles away from a parent after you come of age is GOOD advice, and would do a WORLD of good in this case.
I suggest therapy for your mother.
I suggest therapy for you.
Your mother is using everything to her satisfaction; I guarantee she will decline that advice for therapy. In her own way she is doing quite well; this is working fine for her.
If you are unhappy, however, I suggest a good cognitive therapist, one who will shake you up and stop your traveling habitually traveled paths that are self harming for you and leading to your own pain.
You are an adult, and will have now to make decisions for your own life.
I hope that they are good decisions, because to think of YOU, four decades forward, complaining that YOUR childhood is the reason for your own woes? Let's just say I think you will get little sympathy.
And to be honest, the sympathy and platitudes and "thoughts and prayers" of others is about the only upside, the only reward in family trauma drama that travels generationally.
You deserve more. Go for it.
It will be hard work. No matter how much misery we live in our "known worlds" of our own creation, it is misery we KNOW, and there's nothing so frightening for the human animal as change and the "unknown".
If you make progress in therapy to remove yourself from this snare it is tantamount to chewing off your own leg in order to survive. Talk to the fox. But you will survive. And remaining where you are may make a good novel, but it sure doesn't make a good life.
I may sound unsympathetic now. But I think the last thing you need to gather up enough courage to disengage from this cycle is sympathy. I think you need bravery. I hope you have support of loving friends. They can be crucial to change. I truly wish you the best. I wish you enough self esteem that you don't need this problematic people in your life, with their approval subject to change. You can become whole and all to yourself. Embrace the hard work to get there, would be my advice.
And remember one thing, the day you want to LEAVE your therapy shrieking and swearing? That's the day you can be pretty certain it's starting to work.
Who has her DPOA? She obviously has mental issues as well as dementia.
She has affected both you and your brother's mental well-being, when is enough, enough?
Time to stand up and be counted, next time she rages call 911 and have evaluated from a mental standpoint.
Sending support your way.
Good luck.