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My mother is having open-heart surgery and lives in unsanitary and dangerous conditions (house is filled with mold). My nephew cares for her, has taken over her finances, spends all her money, and refuses to clean or take out garbage, and she is unable. She is having bypass surgery in 3 weeks and the home inspector said the home is unsafe for her to live in.


She is obsessed with my nephew (24), talks about him constantly, and refuses help or to leave. She has not let anyone in the home for years and the report I just got from the mold inspector — even called him on the phone — confirms the conditions are far worse than the last time I was in there in 2022. She can barely walk and he has her cook for him, parks in the driveway so she has to park on the street, and has destroyed the house. He leaves the doors open and lets his dog go to the bathroom all over the house and won't clean up.


I have begged her to leave but she wants to stay with my nephew. The nephew has had her will him everything she has. Everyone is telling me to walk away and let her die there, but it's breaking my heart. They're saying it's her choice. What should I do? Rather, what can I do? Just let her die there?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you contacted your local Adult Protective Services office? Also, if the house is dangerous to live in, contact your city or county housing inspector. They can have the house condemned, declared unfit for habitation. Also look into your local laws regarding elder financial abuse.
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Reply to txdocdaughter
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Just curious, whose house is this?
Does mom own? Does the nephew own? Or are they renting?

What did the mold inspector do? Just provide a report? Aren't they obligated to take some action, notify county health inspector or housing authority?

I agree with calling Adult Protective Services.

Other than that, there is not much you can do, if she chooses to have this grandson live with her. I only hope she is not lying to protect him because he is threatening her.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Your mom isn't being abused and neglected, she's making choices about her life.

This is a good time to figure out what, if any, help you are willing to provide in the event she tries to make you suffer the consequences of her bad choices.

These are hard shoes to be in when we love someone and want to protect them from themselves, the problem is we can't but, we can make ourselves very unhappy finding that out.

Take care of you and avoid the train wreck, getting taken out yourself helps nobody.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Send her to rehab. Have the house condemned or have nephew evicted to so you can clean/repair the home.
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Reply to Taarna
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You can call the APS, but there is little you can do. Your mother has decided to live in her mess with her nephew, so let the chips fall where they may until her scheduled hospitalization. Or, an emergency lands her there. A facility appears to be her next route whether she likes it or not; ombudsman to talk with her, please.
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Reply to Patathome01
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wendiT: Contact APS posthaste.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Here is where you can strongarm mom into care. Once she has the surgery and before discharge within 3 to 5 days, ask to see the social worker, especially if upon discharge they say home or rehab. This is the moment to spring your documentation for an unsafe discharge other than rehab. Even if mom refuses it, the staff will be obligated to send her to rehab. Once she is there you do the same thing with social workers that her home is not habitable. The state can take over from them. O yes. play the APS reporting as well once she has surgery
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Reply to MACinCT
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I'm sorry your mother is living in such awful conditions, but sadly it seems to be her choice. You don't say if you live near your mother or if there are many miles between you. Do take the advice given by the experienced voices here -- contact APS, the doctor, the hospital, the social worker.

I'm not clear on whether this is your mother's house and the nephew lives there or if this is the nephew's house and your mother lives there. And I also wonder what kind of hold he must have on her to cause her to become so subservient to him.
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Reply to graygrammie
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Contact Adult Protective Services and let them know what is going on, in detail. The more factual detail, the better. Have them do a home visit to see the situation for themselves. They may take emergency guardianship of her and move her out if they believe she is not capable of making rational decisions and being abused and neglected. Then you can go to court and apply for guardianship.
Also contact the city or county health inspector and file a complaint ASAP. They will send someone out, and if the place is deemed too hazardous for occupation, he will have them leave the premises until it is safe for habitation. It will be condemned.
When she is in the hospital having surgery, tell the social worker her home is an unsafe discharge. Show them pictures if the mold and feces.
Please, for your Mom's sake, make the calls TODAY.
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Reply to JanPeck123
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I’d seek legal advice hopefully you have free legal advice centres where you are and report him
i guess your mother is reliant on His company - loneliness and feel vulnerable can drive people to accept lots of bad behaviour
we had a neighbour in our lad years ago
she lost full mobility and was reliant on her granddaughter to look after her
so agreed to pay her
at tines you’d hear screaming as you passed the house
the grand daughter used drugs and was a head case character
she was reported but nothing. And if it because the elderly woman was too scared to live by herself
she was the most unhappy person ever but thought her options to have someone around was better than being alone
Eventually she went into a home and I bet thanked god
bit agreed the price for it

she needs to be placed into care

bet he wouldn’t bother to visit her then.
even her doctor I’m sure coujd offer some advice
its Prob more common that we could imagine

Good luck
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Reply to Jenny10
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After surgery, bring mom to your house to live. Or tell her you are picking her up for lunch or dinner and take her to your house and tell her she is with you now, because her house is being condemned. Then have all the power/utilities cut off to the house. When you call the utility companies act like you are her.
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Reply to Evonne1954
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Igloocar Mar 6, 2025
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Don't forget to include all the information regarding the nephew's financial exploitation of your mother. APS will most likely investigate that issue too.
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Reply to Morris64
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1. Get papers from the inspectors. Get them to condemn the house until repaired.
2. Report to APS and give as much information, including inspector's numbers as you are able. Tell them about impending surgery. Tell them Mom is seeming to you to be incompetent in her choices, that you believe she will return to the home after surgery and that you believe she may die of that decision.
3. After that understand that your 75 year old mother MAY, in not adjudged incompetent, make poor decisions that MAY lead to her death. And given she lives with a negligent caregiver nephew it could be a certainty. But other than calls to authorities there is really very little you can do. We are free citizens and we are free to make decisions that kill us, and that's the honest truth in the end.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If it's bad for he, it's bad for the nephew as well.
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Reply to cover9339
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This has been going on for how long? You haven't been to your mom's house and/or seen your mom since 2022? Contact the APS.
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Reply to Gero101
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Contact adult protective services where she lives and report a vulnerable senior living in unhealthy, unsanitary, and dangerous conditions.

Also, contact the surgeon's office and ask where she will be sent for rehab. Tell them the same thing -- that your mother does not have a safe home to return to. Then contact the rehab facility's discharge planner/social worker and tell her or him that this will be a problem.

If the doctor's office staff tries to shut you out, remind them that they are mandated reporters and now that you have told them about the unsafe, unsanitary conditions, they are obligated to investigate or ask APS to.
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Reply to MG8522
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MissesJ Mar 1, 2025
YES—and take photos, if you can, mailing (delivery confirmation) and emailing to the doctor to establish a paper trail.
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Report the situation to Adult Protective Services in her area. If they deem the situation unsafe changes will happen. If they do not, you will have done all you can to help. You can also let her doctor and surgeon know the home cleanliness state through sending a note or using the patient portal. I’m sorry it can’t be different or better
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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