My mother is having open-heart surgery and lives in unsanitary and dangerous conditions (house is filled with mold). My nephew cares for her, has taken over her finances, spends all her money, and refuses to clean or take out garbage, and she is unable. She is having bypass surgery in 3 weeks and the home inspector said the home is unsafe for her to live in.
She is obsessed with my nephew (24), talks about him constantly, and refuses help or to leave. She has not let anyone in the home for years and the report I just got from the mold inspector — even called him on the phone — confirms the conditions are far worse than the last time I was in there in 2022. She can barely walk and he has her cook for him, parks in the driveway so she has to park on the street, and has destroyed the house. He leaves the doors open and lets his dog go to the bathroom all over the house and won't clean up.
I have begged her to leave but she wants to stay with my nephew. The nephew has had her will him everything she has. Everyone is telling me to walk away and let her die there, but it's breaking my heart. They're saying it's her choice. What should I do? Rather, what can I do? Just let her die there?
Does mom own? Does the nephew own? Or are they renting?
What did the mold inspector do? Just provide a report? Aren't they obligated to take some action, notify county health inspector or housing authority?
I agree with calling Adult Protective Services.
Other than that, there is not much you can do, if she chooses to have this grandson live with her. I only hope she is not lying to protect him because he is threatening her.
This is a good time to figure out what, if any, help you are willing to provide in the event she tries to make you suffer the consequences of her bad choices.
These are hard shoes to be in when we love someone and want to protect them from themselves, the problem is we can't but, we can make ourselves very unhappy finding that out.
Take care of you and avoid the train wreck, getting taken out yourself helps nobody.
I'm not clear on whether this is your mother's house and the nephew lives there or if this is the nephew's house and your mother lives there. And I also wonder what kind of hold he must have on her to cause her to become so subservient to him.
Also contact the city or county health inspector and file a complaint ASAP. They will send someone out, and if the place is deemed too hazardous for occupation, he will have them leave the premises until it is safe for habitation. It will be condemned.
When she is in the hospital having surgery, tell the social worker her home is an unsafe discharge. Show them pictures if the mold and feces.
Please, for your Mom's sake, make the calls TODAY.
i guess your mother is reliant on His company - loneliness and feel vulnerable can drive people to accept lots of bad behaviour
we had a neighbour in our lad years ago
she lost full mobility and was reliant on her granddaughter to look after her
so agreed to pay her
at tines you’d hear screaming as you passed the house
the grand daughter used drugs and was a head case character
she was reported but nothing. And if it because the elderly woman was too scared to live by herself
she was the most unhappy person ever but thought her options to have someone around was better than being alone
Eventually she went into a home and I bet thanked god
bit agreed the price for it
she needs to be placed into care
bet he wouldn’t bother to visit her then.
even her doctor I’m sure coujd offer some advice
its Prob more common that we could imagine
Good luck
2. Report to APS and give as much information, including inspector's numbers as you are able. Tell them about impending surgery. Tell them Mom is seeming to you to be incompetent in her choices, that you believe she will return to the home after surgery and that you believe she may die of that decision.
3. After that understand that your 75 year old mother MAY, in not adjudged incompetent, make poor decisions that MAY lead to her death. And given she lives with a negligent caregiver nephew it could be a certainty. But other than calls to authorities there is really very little you can do. We are free citizens and we are free to make decisions that kill us, and that's the honest truth in the end.
Also, contact the surgeon's office and ask where she will be sent for rehab. Tell them the same thing -- that your mother does not have a safe home to return to. Then contact the rehab facility's discharge planner/social worker and tell her or him that this will be a problem.
If the doctor's office staff tries to shut you out, remind them that they are mandated reporters and now that you have told them about the unsafe, unsanitary conditions, they are obligated to investigate or ask APS to.