Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum but I’ve been reading other people’s problems and responses. I always like AlvaDeer’s good and caring advice! As well as others. Hope you have some for me as well.A little background on my situation.My Mom passed away 4 years ago. My father told me that he couldn’t live where they did anymore so I made arrangements to have him move to my state. It’s been nothing but stressful ever since. I found a nice independent apartment facility for him. Shortly after he tells me he’s going to get married to a woman he barely knows. I did try and tell him that I didn’t think it was a good idea. I suggested that they could spend all day together, every day and get to know each other better.He was adamant and said everyone living there would be disappointed. I tried accepting the situation the best I could. He was 86, she was 93. He ended up being her caretaker until he told me she was too much and he couldn’t do it anymore. Because he moved into her apartment my husband and I moved all his belongings into storage for a year. Then emptied it out because he wanted everything donated. My husband and I did that which was quite a project because he saved SO much stuff. A few months later he tells me he wants to live alone. I started looking at other facilities when he broke his hip. He had surgery, and rehab. I did find a new assisted living apartment and had to buy new furnishings. He was unhappy with being in assisted and the nurse there evaluated him and said he could be in independent. So my husband and I moved him again. Same facility but independent apartment. He fell again recently and I found him naked on the bathroom floor. He hit his head so called paramedics. I just got him an emergency pendant before this happened but he didn’t push it. I’m feeling so burnt out. I blame myself for putting myself in this position. If I could do over I would have made different decisions. He’s very needy and panics if I don’t answer my phone right away. My life was pretty calm and drama free before he came here. My husband has been helpful, but says he worries about me and all the stress it’s caused. I think he’s becoming resentful also. I also am aware that a lot of people have it worse than me. One lesson I’ve learned from this is there is no way I will ever put my son in this position. It has made me get my things in order so that he doesn’t ever have any responsibility for me. I’m not sure how to handle this going forward with my Dad. Any advice as to how to get a better balance for my life is appreciated! I do appreciate this forum and all the experienced advice.
You’re absolutely correct—the priority is to get some needed balance back in your life. I like the suggestion below of you and your husband sitting down together with your Dad to clearly and firmly re-set his expectations. There are other wise thoughts that other members have shared also.
All best.
Just putting this out there so that you have appropriate expectations. Even in MC he can get up and out of chairs, or his bed, and fall. Nothing to be done about it until he has "The Big One", which will either be a fall or some other health/medical crisis.
As others have pointed out, you need to have a filter, or decision tree, so that when (not if) he has a future problem, you'll know who to call, what to do, and who to blame (NOT YOU).
Falling and balance problems occur for all sorts of reasons in elders: muscle weakness and stiffness, changes in vision/depth perception, vertigo, dizziness from dehydration or lack of enough food, Menieres Disease (hearing problem), etc.
Please don't blame yourself. There are plenty of participants on this forum who were not at all involved with their elderly parents' lives only to come upon a similar situation. It's commonly said here that you didn't cause the problem of age-related decline and you cannot fix it -- you can only mitigate it within reason.
The way you get balance is to make sure you and your immediate family (if you have a spouse and young kids) are the priority, always. This doesn't mean you don't care about your Dad, but his solutions are limited and he's lived a long life and has the blessing of a concerned daughter like you. I'll bet he didn't take care of his aged parents, right?
Do lots of self-care and spend lots of time with your immediate family. Your Dad's emergencies are not always as urgent as they seem. May you receive peace in your heart as you find and defend your boundaries.
Where my FIL was though they would not let him go to independent living from the get go because they felt his gait was so bad that he was too much a fall risk for independent living . They wouldn’t accept him unless he was in assisted living where there was help when he fell .
He kept asking to go to independent living while he was in assisted living . The facility kept saying “ No “.
Chelsea , tell the facility that Dad did not push his button when he fell . That may make the facility back you up that he needs assisted living .
Let the facility be the bad guy that tells him he has to move to AL .
My father lived on his own until he was 89. I took him shopping once every other week and called a couple times a week. That was all I could handle. He was often mad I couldn't come and leave work to fix his remote (the one I fixed three days ago). At that age they do want someone who will be constantly there for every little thing....which is why assisted living is the best option. There is always someone around to calm their anxiety. He then wanted me after work but I had to be home to get my kids and he couldn't understand why someone else couldn't do that for me. Like who? If I went on vacation he wanted to know who I got to check in on him. I told him to ask his friends to do that and he said he didn't want to bother them. You know, people who are retired and live near him. The better choice is his daughter who lives 20 miles away and works full time and has kids at home.
The best advise you can take from this board is to set boundaries and keep them.
I have a few questions here. And what I write is dependent, pretty much on your answers.
#1. Did the marriage to the woman in her 90s ever occur? Or is that (hopefully) something was WAS considered but a disaster happily avoided.
#2 Are you the POA. Are you currently in charge of all finances and record keeping?
#3. What is the status of your Dad's mentation? Is he competent.
Now to my advice for either which way. Just understand the mentation here is key.
Start with the supposition that DAD IS COMPETENT:
#1. You need to be HONEST that this whole ridiculous situation is NOT working for you, that it is endangering your entire life and relationship. You need to make it clear you are now FINISHED WITH IT. Period.
To be honest, if he is not incompetent this is one needy, selfish and cruel and manipulative man making godawful decisions and getting your help with them.
I was POA for a man who was kind, organized, agreeable and it was STILL somewhat a nightmare. What you are going through is hampster wheel that doesn't stop.
#2, If you are POA and he is competent you need to resign the POA. Refer him to/take him to an attorney who will help to get a Licensed Fiduciary to manage his affairs, his placements, his moves and his finances and health decisions.
#3. You need to keep the boundary that you are his loving daughter ONLY.
He gets referred to his doctors, his social workers, his fiduciary and etc for his financial, living and placement concerns while he remains competent to choose them.
IF HE IS INCOMPETENT:
#1. Much more complicated is currently incompetent. If so he isn't properly diagnosed and place in care of either ALF or MC according to the best guesses of his medical team of doctor and Neuro-psyc.
#2. If he is competent then these things are not in his control, but in yours, and you will have to TAKE CONTROL OF THEM. You cannot listen to he wants this and he wants that because he cannot now make decisions and what he wants is utterly irrelevant.
He either is WITH IT and ON HIS OWN
or NOT with it.
If he is not with it and will allow you to manage his care you need to "take the reins" and taking those reins means you better be ready, willing and able to steer the wagon. You may need the help of medical team and attorney and fiduciary, but there cannot be any wishy-washy DAD riding shotgun. That is hubby's job.
What is going on isn't sustainable.
You cannot continue this way or you will lose everything.
You've jumped directly onto the burning funeral pyre of your father, and this is one SLOW BURN.
You will be consumed, and there'll be no thanks from him.
You already have taken yourself out of the definition of DD (darling daughter) into CAREGIVER. No one likes caregivers. They are bossy, whiney, complaining, take-over party directors who NEVER DO IT RIGHT. They are there to "take the blame".
This you have described is a three-ring circus that should have been stopped DEAD in the first ring. This man should have been told "NO! And if you DO this I will be no part in your ongoing care needs" on day one. Remember in the old circus pictures the guy with the top hat and whip? That needs to be hubby.
I can't tell here where your dad is at "mentally" but wherever he is, he is one loose cannon spinning around with everyone trying to avoid the cannonballs.
I'm an old RN. Way back "when" we had these O2 cannisters, green in color, and often in unstable stanchions. Every once in a while, they would go over and start spinning all over the floor out of control.
That's what this thing reminds me of.
Listen to hubby. I have a feeling he has good advice you need to take.
If not, see a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice who deals with life transitions work. Both of you. You need boundaries to protect your own life, and options, and to learn to speak with honesty and certainty to this gentleman, your Dad.
Good luck, hon. I hope you'll update us.
To answer your questions 1) Yes, they married but I learned in November that it wasn’t legal. They never went and got a marriage certificate. The CEO where they lived performed a ceremony. He said they should leave the government out of it. My Dad told me he wanted a divorce and that’s when my husband started asking questions and we learned it wasn’t legal. Thank goodness for that but still a nightmare!
2) Yes, I pay his bills and I’m joint owner on his checking account.
3) I don’t think he’s competent. Definitely makes crazy choices for sure. Last year his doctor said he had some mild dementia. When he just went to see him I brought up the last few months and how I felt he should be back in assisted living. The doctor asked him “what do you think about that?” Of course my Dad said no.
Thank you so much for your opinion and support. You described it all so well. O2 canisters and a three ring circus says it all! Made me laugh because you are 💯 right. I truly do admire you and all your wisdom! Thank you for giving me the courage to do what I know is best. All the advice is invaluable.
You need to set boundaries. "Dad if you want to live independently, then you need to be independent. I can't be there for you 24/7." Explain that was why an AL is good for him. He will have staff and socialization. He cannot expect you to be his wife. You have a husband and a home to care for of your own.
The phone, set a time of day you will call him. I say 7pm because its after dinner and before you sit down to watch TV for the night. Maybe take him out to lunch or dinner once a week. Do not take his calls in between. Would really try to get him back into an AL. They will call you if an emergency. And tell them they are only to call you in an emergency, falls fall into that category, or if they have some concerns.
I would tell him he will no longer be allowed to live in independent living . He is too much a fall risk .
Talk to the facility and have them back you up on this regarding the fall risk . Tell them how Dad is relying on you and panics if you don’t answer the phone. Your Dad is no longer independent .
My father in law was also a big fall risk , kept asking to move to independent living . We and the facility told him he had to stay in assisted living .
You can not blame yourself because your crystal ball was broken
And he was "independent" and not in "need" of help so from the looks of things you did everything right.
Your dad should be in Assisted Living. Sure he can do many things for himself but with AL someone would be coming in and checking on him at least 1 time a day. More often actually since they have staff going in and out of residents rooms.
(I do have to ask is he still married, where is his wife and does he have any fiscal responsibility to her?)
Start backing off the things that he asks you to do. If you do things for him it should be on YOUR timeline not his.
I also think the next time he has a doctor appointment that you should ask him to have cognitive testing done. MME to start and if needed further testing. Your dad may have some cognitive issues.
In regards to his wife, she passed away last month. She was 96. When my Dad was in the hospital for his broken hip he talked about wanting to get divorced. My husband started asking questions about the marriage and my Dad said they didn’t go to the court house to obtain a marriage license. The CEO where they lived performed the ceremony. Apparently he told them they should keep the government out of it. I thought it was a legal marriage and that since she was spouse she had legal rights. Grateful to not have that legal mess to deal with but all along I thought they were.