Hi. I have a parent that does risky stuff like going on long walks over an hour early in the morning when it's dark in subfreezing temperatures with just a light jacket made like a sweater.
There are other things we're constantly arguing about. They say I don't know anything, he knows everything and people side with him because I shouldn't argue with Dad. He is constantly in an arguing mode that he can turn on and off at any second, except with me. I took pictures and identified mold on a window, he said it isn't. He always knows more then professionals.
He has heart issues and can't live alone. We leave in a cheap place with constant noise and it's unsafe because we can't afford to move, but he refuses to go to the doctor anymore. He doesn't want senior care or to be put in a nursing home. He refuses anything that would give him a better quality of life than the constant noise day and night, when he can't even sleep 6hrs a day.
Both of us are on SSI and I doubt I can get power of attorney. He has no one else other than me. I'm stuck because, for me, I wish he could go to a nursing home or something then I can go to a homeless shelter and try to get a job and get a place to start my own life. I have heart and lung issues, but don't want to stay in this place because of the mold.
If I go and something happens I will feel bad. I personally have no idea what to do and I don't know if I have any options. Thank you for your help and time. Sorry for the long post.
1 - be his advocate and have him placed somewhere that takes SSI and Medicaid.
2 - ask social worker at free clinic that he needs to have a legal guardian appointed by the courts. This person will make arrangements for his care and be the one to address his needs.
Mold is a funny critter, it needs water to grow, clean it up and stop the water, presto, no mold.
Don't waste any more of your time arguing with your dad, or trying to change him. Tell him you're leaving, and wish him well. If he doesn't have enough money on his own to pay for the cheap unsafe place, then when he runs out he can go to a shelter as well and get help with a new place.
If you think he is not competent, to the point of being unsafe (meaning incapable, not just stubborn), call Adult Protective Service and tell them he is a vulnerable adult. They will evaluate his situation and assist him. This will actually work out better if you are no longer living there, because they will see that he truly needs the help.
You deserve better than this extremely limited life. Make yourself a priority and do what you need to do to improve YOUR quality of life and financial circumstances both now and for your future. Enable the professionals to evaluate your father and help him. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
My first recommendation is that you stick around on the Forum for a while and read posts here. They will be enormously helpful to you.
First of all, you are worrying things to death, and you are infantilizing your father by trying to become his parent. This enables his growing feeble.
There is mold and mold and as an adult you should know that. Most mold is a matter of dampness and condensation in the inside windows, sashes, bathtub surrounds, and etc that simply occurs with too much humidity in the air. BLACK MOLD which so scares the whiskers off folks if a "thing" but it is rare, and is often not a problem. The internet is FULL of advice on how to get rid of mold. So do it or hire someone to address it if this is your home. And if this is Dad's home, leave him alone. He has got well up in years without requiring your cleaning tips.
As to how Dad dresses on his walks? That is up to him. He has a wardrobe. If he is suffering dementia he isn't able to make his wardrobe decisions. Otherwise he IS. I wear only a long sleeve T under a short sleeve T and a sweater overall. EVERYONE asks if I am warm enough. I am 82 and dressed like this forever. And I am warm enough, thanks.
You say you doubt you can GET POA.
POA isn't GOTTEN. It is GIVEN by the ELDER. It is REQUESTED by the elder. It is conferred upon you with your agreement.
WE ALL DIE. If this is the way your father chooses to live, and to die, then LET HIM for goodness sake. Stop driving him and yourself crazy. If the "mold" is distressing then say "Dad, can't visit you because the mold makes me sneeze, but you can come visit me this Sunday for lunch if you like. Let us know".
I am closer to your father's age. He is not arguing with you so much as trying to tell you to mind your business and let him alone. It sounds you have enough on your plate.
IF YOU SUSPECT Dad had dementia then Call APS and ask them to come assess him.
And whatever you do, do not take on POA for an adult who doesn't want your help, resents your interference, and is uncooperative. That's a way to an early death for you more certain that mold, believe me.
Also, if you truly believe MOLD is making your Dad ill then ask APS to send out a mold inspector.
But you, yourself? Stay out of this.
That's my advice. But you're a grown up person and you have a right to do things your own way, and kick my advice to the curb. I trust you to in the end make your own decisions and bear consequences of them.
Your father lives alone.
He is of age.
I am 82. I would be driven CRAZY by my kid suddenly dictating what I eat, what I wear, how often I am to my doctor, What is growing around my bathtub (neat freak here, so nothing).
So just let him be and keep your peace, and if your dad starts up wanting to argue just walk away or go outside.
Since you are the one that is unhappy with your living situation it will have to be you that will have to start looking for a new place to live without your dad.
You can call 211 or your Area Agency on Aging to see what your options may be, or like you said in your post you may have to just move to a homeless shelter for the time being until you can get your life back on track.
You do have options, but you're the one who's going to have to take the first step.