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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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If you do not live with them, then you can't understand how hard it is. They are often the meanest to the person living with them, namely the spouse. The best thing you can do is give your mom a break by letting her go out on her own for a little bit to get away. This disease is harder on the caregiver than the patient.
Let me ask you this. Has this always been the case? That is to say, before the dementia, were there times your parents raised their voices at one another? Have they tended to bicker a bit? Is this their norm? Does your dad seem frightened at all? These answers matter.
Your mom may now be taking on way too much and it may not be sustainable at her age. Only you know the details and can make decisions here.
It's happened some and when I was young it was the other way around. No Dad isn't scared but as his dementia progresses I'm scared he will get mad and end up hurting her. I'm going to try to get her out of the house more.
I think it’s a sign that mom is burned out. Or she is having some cognitive issues herself BUT is she taking care of herself? Sleeping well, eating nutritious meals, going for a walk when the weather is nice?
If that’s your mom in your profile picture, she looks too frail to be caring for a dementia patient. His condition will get worse, not better. Plan for that before your backs are to the wall.
And how about you? Quitting a job and moving in to help elderly parents is almost never a good idea. We are often disillusioned when we understand how difficult it’s going to be. You need an escape plan for yourself before the stress gets to you and you become as irritable as mom. Also, anger and irritability are one of the first signs of dementia, so mom may have more going on than you think.
Totally agree with not expecting children to help. That's a huge burden to lay on them no matter how helpful they say they want to be. Date night's great until you have to rush home because dad fell. Separate quarters are great until they start wandering into other parts of the house and even outside, and no one knows they're gone until a neighbor brings them home (if they're lucky and didn't fall into a canal or get hit by a car in the street). And somehow the stove gets turned on, but when you ask them about it they say they didn't do it. "Normalcy" generally gets gone when a demented elder (or two) moves in!
If a wife doesn't get irritated sometimes with the demented husband who refuses to wear hearing aids and is repeating himself continuously and yelling WHAT? Then something is seriously off. Life with dementia is tough. It's a debilitating situation that you're now expected by the doctor to referree? If you didn't live together, you wouldn't even know mom was raising her voice occasionally at dad. Which is the best situation imo. You cannot and should not be in a position to monitor their every move and every interaction, that is not realistic. If they refuse daycare, perhaps Assisted Living would suit everyone much better.
If not, remember mom is human and reacting to a very frustrating situation with dad. She may also be suffering some cognitive decline herself. Hire some in home help, at their expense, to remove YOURSELF from being this involved in THEIR lives.
So much advice for children of declining elders recommends multigenerational living. One can't possibly understand what it's like to live with those with dementia or any of the other maladies that cause adult kids to scoop up their parents, move them into an expensively modified part of their house, and expect things to be fine. "He's just got a tad of dementia! No problem!" or "Mom wandered from the house last night, but we found her before she froze to death and she was a little cold, that's all!" I moved in with my dad at the onset of his end-of-life. We eventually hired caregivers, but when I was doing it all myself, it was a real awakening. My enlightenment about his cognitive state started when he began planning to exhume my grandparents from the cemetery where they'd RIP'ed for 35 years. He was going to build a huge mausoleum in a community 15 miles away, and he was drawing plans for it. "They were just a little dead, okay?"
I read your profile that you live with Mom and Dad . Perhaps Mom is also having some cognitive decline and can not handle the changes in your Dad . We saw this happen with my FIL when his wife got to moderate stage of Alzheimer’s . FIL began expecting her to be more herself , the way she used to be . He would get frustrated and they would end up arguing . He had developed dementia as well .
Is it possible for one of your parents to go to adult daycare some days? Maybe they need a break from each other . It could be good for you as well to only have one of them home sometimes .
If this wasn't the way your mom and dad were all their married life then I can only guess that your mom is suffering from caregiver burnout and needs to get more breaks from caring for your dad. Since you live with your parents, why don't you tell your mom to take a few days off and go somewhere fun and that you will look after your dad. And perhaps you may need to step up more to help your mom even when she is there with your dad. Plus you can bring your dad to an Adult Daycare Center where he will be around other folks his age and be kept busy for up to 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. That would give your mom needed breaks during the week as well. Of course there is a charge for the daycare center, but if money is an issue they do offer financial help, as does the VA if your dad is a veteran. And it's worth every penny. Best wishes in giving your mom the much needed breaks she needs.
I love this, Dad comes looking for her when she come out to sit with me so you're right she never gets time. I'm going to try to work something out. I do all of the cooking, cleaning etc. But I never considered being stuck in that room might get to be too much. They have always done it and she has always been a little fussy sometimes but it's becoming more regular so you may be on to something. Thanks!
I read your replies , Monica , 1) If you are scared Dad may get angry and hurt Mom , IMO at some point it will be time to have them more separated as you could get hurt as well trying to referee . I’d tour some memory care facilities for Dad , so you have a list of the ones you would use handy , instead of having to scramble in an emergency . My mother’s geriatrician told me , there many often comes a time when this will not be able to be handled at home by family . This can escalate very quickly at any time . Elderly with dementia often do not want to listen to family telling them what to do . Odds are this will only get worse and Dad will need to be placed .
2) Please do not involve your children , no matter how old they are in caregiving. They have their own lives to live . Use your parents money to hire a companion to come sit with them .
3) You can’t try to supply “ normalcy”, there is nothing normal about living with someone with dementia.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your mom may now be taking on way too much and it may not be sustainable at her age.
Only you know the details and can make decisions here.
Caregiving breaks your soul.
And how about you? Quitting a job and moving in to help elderly parents is almost never a good idea. We are often disillusioned when we understand how difficult it’s going to be. You need an escape plan for yourself before the stress gets to you and you become as irritable as mom. Also, anger and irritability are one of the first signs of dementia, so mom may have more going on than you think.
I wish all of you well.
If not, remember mom is human and reacting to a very frustrating situation with dad. She may also be suffering some cognitive decline herself. Hire some in home help, at their expense, to remove YOURSELF from being this involved in THEIR lives.
Best of luck to you.
Perhaps Mom is also having some cognitive decline and can not handle the changes in your Dad . We saw this happen with my FIL when his wife got to moderate stage of Alzheimer’s . FIL began expecting her to be more herself , the way she used to be . He would get frustrated and they would end up arguing . He had developed dementia as well .
Is it possible for one of your parents to go to adult daycare some days? Maybe they need a break from each other . It could be good for you as well to only have one of them home sometimes .
Since you live with your parents, why don't you tell your mom to take a few days off and go somewhere fun and that you will look after your dad.
And perhaps you may need to step up more to help your mom even when she is there with your dad.
Plus you can bring your dad to an Adult Daycare Center where he will be around other folks his age and be kept busy for up to 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.
That would give your mom needed breaks during the week as well. Of course there is a charge for the daycare center, but if money is an issue they do offer financial help, as does the VA if your dad is a veteran. And it's worth every penny.
Best wishes in giving your mom the much needed breaks she needs.
1) If you are scared Dad may get angry and hurt Mom , IMO at some point it will
be time to have them more separated as you could get hurt as well trying to referee . I’d tour some memory care facilities for Dad , so you have a list of the ones you would use handy , instead of having to scramble in an emergency .
My mother’s geriatrician told me , there many often comes a time when this will not be able to be handled at home by family . This can escalate very quickly at any time . Elderly with dementia often do not want to listen to family telling them what to do . Odds are this will only get worse and Dad will need to be placed .
2) Please do not involve your children , no matter how old they are in caregiving. They have their own lives to live . Use your parents money to hire a companion to come sit with them .
3) You can’t try to supply “ normalcy”, there is nothing normal about living with someone with dementia.